as we are // tronnor

29

Connors pov

It's been three days since I told Troye I loved him.

Yes, I have been counting.

When I told him I loved him, I was just caught up in the moment.

I'm not sure if I love him.

What does love feel like?

I mean, I know what it's like to love a family member, but what is real romantic love like?

Do you have to commit to be in love?

I'm terrified of commitment.

But I think I love Troye, and when you love someone, you get over your fears in order to make them happy.

Right?

I have no idea.

...

The soft tune of ILYSB (stripped version) escaped quietly from my phone as I hummed along, in the car. It was around 10:30. I worked a bit too late today. I just wanted to finish editing some photos but got carried away. Thoughts of love and commitment and Troye had been running through my head all day, tiring me out. I longed to be in my bed with Troye, his small body pressed against mine.

I got home later the expected, the LA traffic was a nightmare. I unlocked my door, flicked my lights on, threw all my stuff in the floor, and flopped on the couch, exhausted. My phone buzzed in my pocket. I looked and saw a text from Troye.

Troye: con you up?

Connor: ya just got home from work

Troye: why so late?

Connor: traffic

Troye: I miss u

Connor: I miss u too

Troye: con remember when u said u loved me

I paused, butterflies bubbling in my stomach. I couldn't have this conversation
when I was so tired. I would mess it up, I would say the wrong thing.

Connor: yeah I remember

Troye: do u love me?

Connor: of course I do Troye

Troye: Connor, I'm really sick

My heart was pounding. What did Troye mean? Why did that matter? What was he trying to say? I got up off my couch to grab a glass of water. My head hurt a lot. I felt my phone buzz again. I didn't dare look at the text. Of course I love Troye. Forget all my doubts before. I love him.

I love him.

I love him.

I picked up my phone and dialed Troye's number.

He picked up right away.

"God, Troye I love you." I blurted out before he could say anything.

"I love you too," he said, sounding a bit confused. "Con are you okay?"

I felt tears burn in my eyes. Why was I crying?

"Troye, I had a long day at work. I'm exhausted and confused and everything in between. And I've been thinking about you all day, about sleeping with you and talking with you. I've been thinking about my fear of commitment and my fear of love and I've realized something: I love you. I really, actually love you. I know I love you because your on my mind all day and when you remind me that your sick, I know that a world without you will be the worst world ever. So I wanna spend as much time as I can with you," I paused, breathing and trying to take in what I was saying. I heard Troye exhale from the other side of the phone.

"Con what are you saying?"

"Troye, I want you to move in with me. I want you to work with me and go in public with me. I what to have dinner dates like those old married couples do and I what to walk down the street, hand in hand with you and laugh at the haters with you. And when were older, I want you to marry me."

Everything was silent.

The clock read 12:48.

Troye's breathing was slow. I heard a small sob. He was crying.

I wanted to say something, but I had said too much.

Finally, he spoke.

"I cannot tell you how grateful I am that I get to have you in my life, Connor. I can't tell you how much I love you and how much I long to be with you everyday. Yes, I want to move in with you. Yes,  I want to walk with you and have dinner dates like an old married couple," he let out a sigh/laugh, those laughs you let out sometimes that aren't really laughs. He paused, sniffling. "And yes, Connor, when we're older, I will marry you." He voice was now filled with his tears.

He cried into the phone.

I cried too.

I told him i was coming over, no matter how late it was.

When I got to his house, he answered the door wearing an over sized t shirt and boxers. He had a tear stained face that was full of emotion. I pulled him into a tight hug, telling him I loved him so much. He said it back. We went into his room, falling onto the bed. I kissed him gently. I knew how he was feeling. He was sick and he knew he only had a few years left. Troye felt like he would never be able to live life at the fullest.

We fell asleep, Troye's frail body spooned in mine.

____________________________________________________________

IM SO SORRY FOR SUCH A BAD CHAPTER

IVE BEEN RLY BUSY LATELY

IM SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR THIS TERRIBLE MESS OF A CHAPTER