Guilt Tripping (rant/personal book)

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i actually had an interesting day today

i actually talked to people at set building today. we were all sitting around the table making napkin flowers for the munchkin scene (we're doing the wizard of oz for our musical). we all just talked about the musical itself, memes, prom [ which i think is really fucking overrated. maybe that's just because i know no one will ask me to it next year, i dunno ], music, movies, and just a bunch of other shit. it was p rad.

today was also record store day. i was gonna buy the Pinkish / Don't Try 7 inch, but by the time i got to the record store, their copy of it was already sold. but i did end up buying 'the devil and god are raging inside me' on vinyl so, that was sweet. one of my favorite albums of all time tbh. with that, i got a free CD. that being 'perpetual memory loss' by realistic?? i never knew that band existed prior to getting their cd free. i searched the album, and apparently it's in the electronica genre, so i'm not sure if i'll like it.
Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised, who knows, we'll have to see.

i can remember where i got practically almost every CD and record i own.

for example, that place where i bought 'The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me' earlier today. let's see, from there, i've gotten 'No Closer To Heaven' by The Wonder Years, 'Sing The Sorrow' by AFI, 'The Blackest Beautiful' by letlive., 'Montage Of Heck; The Home Recordings' by Kurt Cobain, 'A City By The Light Divided' by Thursday, 'Revolution Girl Style Now' by Bikini Kill, 'Ire' by Parkway Drive, 'Meliora' by Ghost, 'Where You Want To Be' by Taking Back Sunday, 'Earth A.D' by The Misfits, 'Saturate' by Breaking Benjamin, 'Folie A Deux' by Fall Out Boy, and last but not least, 'The Black Parade' by My Chemical Romance.

a couple of CDs have somewhat interesting stories as to how i got them. like how this general store called something like 'family dollar' had a random batch of 90s CDs for like 7 bucks a piece. that's where i got Nirvana's 'MTV Unplugged In New York', as well as 'Live At Reading.'

or how when Motionless In White's album 'Reincarnate' first came out, they were on the parks and devastation tour ( that tour was sick as frick, holy shit ).
They sold it there at the merch station, but it was only 5$???
like damn, when i went to see frank iero + i bought a physical cd copy of stomachaches, it was like 15$. it was a pretty sweet deal.

or before i saw frank for the first time in florida, my dad, my brother, + i stopped by this mall that was being remodeled. not many people were there, and we were a little wary of it, but we went in regardless. there was a sam goody store in there, and that's where i got 'Infinity On High' by Fall Out Boy and 'Deep Blue' by Parkway Drive.

or also when i got 'I Used To Be So Young' straight from Derek, and he's the kindest dude ever. like he literally had a 15+ minute long conversation with my brother over modest mouse and politics. that's pretty kick ass

shit, i'm bragging aren't i?? god damn it. i feel egotistical and bratty, and i don't really like that, so i'm going to change the subject.

i drove for the first time today. that was terrifying. i thought i was gonna crash, but by some miracle, i didn't. it felt so weird sitting behind the wheel, maneuvering the car, just being in control. i felt really old, and it was overall a bittersweet experience.

anyway, so i was going to follow one of my favorite authors on here on twitter, right?? and so i go to follow them, and it turns out they blocked me?????? and i have no bloody idea why??? and i guess that hurt my feelings a bit, cause my v v nice day suddenly became pretty shitty. like i just want to know what i did wrong??? why was i blocked??? how did they even find me on there??? like i just don't understand how this all happened. for whatever reason it is, i want to apologize. but i can't do that unless i know what i did??? and i'll never know that until i ask?? and that's just fucking intimidating and scary. i could very easily come off as creepy or rude or something if i don't phrase things quite right.

like maybe i should chill and not care, because it's not like i know them well anyway, but it still just makes me feel like shit.

welp, my birthday is on Thursday, and last i checked, it's the only day in the lovely forecast that's supposed to rain

why am i not even surprised anymore

a little bit ago, my aunt's husband died on my birthday. when i went to my birthday dinner with my family later that night, all they did was talk about death. which caused me cry a shit ton afterwords. what a shitty overtone, a dinner supposedly celebrating the beginnings of life spent glumly discussing the bitter end of it.

the guy had a slow death. he was a dick, a massive one, but no one deserves the shit he went through. i forgot exactly what it is was that killed him, i think it might've been cancer or something like that. but it was horrible, and it overshadowed the happiness that was supposed to be there at the dinner.

i know how selfish i sound, with my complaints about how unhappy the dinner was. what should i have expected when someone died?? but i guess it's like, i don't know, i was just used to birthdays being about joy, laughter, celebration and such. not stress, not death, not any of that. it was reality crashing in and reminding me that nothing was, is, or will ever be truly perfect. just underneath the surface, everything and everyone is slightly fucked up and flawed.

it's somewhat of the same feeling i got when i cried on holidays. like the innocence and excitement of the day is disintegrated. things are shitty, and it doesn't matter whether it's December 24th or a random day like June 17th.

i hate feeling so pessimistic all the god damn time

- Xø T.

p.s: i'll update roses soon, i have a chapter mostly written, i just need to edit and add a few things

p.p.s: thanks for the 100 followers, i really appreciate it. it's really cool that a lot of you enjoy my stuff that i write, it makes me feel happy and warm. like i actually belong and matter and shit like that.