Guilt Tripping (rant/personal book)

[ insert greeting here ]

I have no fucking clue how to start such an inevitable disaster, lmao.

Umm, I guess I'll start out with how I've always pondered doing a rant book?? Like I think it's pretty cool to just have a place to vent and share your opinions with a wide audience.

there are days where i want to scream because of certain things, whether it be in frustration or excitement, but the people i surround myself with just don't understand??? i don't know how else to phrase that without sounding like one of those 'emo' kids trying hard to be edgy, lmao. but i feel alone, and i like talking to people. so that's why i made this, not only for my thoughts, but to hear your thoughts too?? Thoughts about thoughts???

oh my god, you can literally see my exhaustion in the words i type.

[[[ ahhhh!!!!!]]]

hmmm i guess let's start with a simple introduction.

hi, i'm taylor.

i think this would go better if i start out with just a blunt list of things i enjoy.

these cool things include

space, conspiracy theories, moments where the music playing in the background fits perfectly, horror movie themed band shirts, music videos with overly complex storylines, scooby doo, stars, wind, the ocean and the creatures that live in it, horror and science fiction novels (i also enjoy realistic fiction that covers darker topics, such as drug use, abuse, and things of that nature. comics are cool too, although i don't read many of those), jeggings, heavy eyeliner, flannel, the minor key, guitar solos, mosh pits, string lights, black nail polish, the days where i don't feel like the world is smothering me, feminism, fingerless gloves, nice conversations, shoving music up people's ass [prepare yourselves to get rekt], sketching, writing, compliments, hugs [from specific people only, i get squeamish and uncomfortable if I'm touched otherwise], concerts, combat boots, sleeping (which I should be doing right now, what the fuck)

okay but umm i think that covers that for now. music will be talked about in another entry at some point.

i sort of get angry really easily??? And I'm super over emotional?? like for example, do you guys remember that weird ass movie g-force, with those spy Guinea pigs or whatever?? And towards the end, one of them almost dies?? yeah i cried during that part.

anyway the point of that little fact was to say that this may not have a consistent schedule, but it'll probably be updated often.

anyway, onto today's spout of angst. you know how i said being touched makes me squeamish? yeah. like its to the point where if i am touched, i make squealing (and overall high pitch) noises. and i guess people find that cute, because when i tell them to stop, they never take me seriously. when i tell people to stay out of my personal bubble, they joke about further popping it.

i just wish people would take me seriously when i say 'stop' or 'don't touch me' or 'please give me my space'. all of my friends know by now that i'm not a touchy person, and only a few respect my boundaries. everyone else just likes to tickle or poke me just to purposely irritate me. I don't like it, it makes me feel irritable, uncomfortable, and like shit. like it's not fucking funny anymore man. it's not.

people will be like 'oh they're just teasing'. but it still sorta hurts that they don't respect my wishes not to be touched???

i literally have a very short list of people, names, that i allow to hug me or hold me or do that shit. those are probably my closest friends only. I've been losing a lot of those lately.

I went to the record store earlier, and bought a couple of CDs (letlive.'s 'The Blackest Beautiful', and The Wonder Years's 'No Closer To Heaven). This large group of obnoxious girls I knew came in (a couple said hi), and in that moment, i sorta wanted to stab myself in the face??? Like obnoxious people really irritate me, even though a good chunk of my friends are really loud and like that.

this really heavy cd started playing (the store has like, 50+ CDs in this disc rotation player thing). i usually like heavier music, but this was extremely fucking slow and there was no fast guitar riffs or anything like that. there was a ton of screaming though. honestly it made my reoccurring headache return and also made me feel nauseous. I had just been fucking around prior, skimming the rows and rows of CDs and records, staring at the punk band shirts pinned on the wall, and this music made me buy my stuff and leave. like there's something about really slow dragging songs with heavy screaming that just really makes me feel icky and unnerved?? Like listening to it makes me feel like I'm being slowly dragged down into hell as my eyes are being ripped out of my sockets and my brain explodes??? I don't know.

When I was younger, I used to be scared of hard rock and anything heavier than that. I would cower in the corner and cover my ears whenever anything slightly heavy came on the radio.

Now, I listen to the music I was so afraid of, and it really does take a lot to make me feel unnerved and eh again. That time in the record store was the first time in awhile that that has occurred.

The last time that happened before the record store incident was when I first listened to Otep. Now, I really do enjoy that band, they're kick ass. Took me a little bit to get used to her style of screaming though.

The media video thingy is for their song 'Confrontation', which is soooo fucking awesome and catchy. It's really good, and it gets me super pumped up.

My favorite song by them though is 'Perfectly Flawed'. It's a beautiful soft song that really hits home, and her voice is soooo pretty in there.

Also, Otep Shamaya is lesbian.
Like
How
Fucking
Cool
Is
That
Shit??

I love seeing LGBTQIA+ representation in media, whether it be with books, music, TV shows, or whatever. Not only does it make the community feel less alone, but in fictitious works, it makes things a lot more realistic.
Because honestly, is everyone being cisgender and straight really realistic? No, it's not, I literally have like, 2 straight friends, and that's it. I also know probably just as many cisgender people as I do non-cisgender people.

This is a real thing in society, it's not some hoax, or joke, or phase, or fantasy. We fucking exist, all of our sexual and gender identities are perfectly fucking valid, and it's ridiculous that there are people who still can't comprehend and accept that.

anyway I've spent an hour ranting on this thing. now it's 2 am and my brain is beginning to get fuzzy as fuck.

You do not want to know what I'm like when I'm that tired, I act like I'm drunk and most of what I say ends up not making sense at all.

i think this would be a solid place to conclude

-Xø T.