Ever Enough (Girlxgirl)

CHAPTER 1

Ruby's green eyes sparkled as we took our seats at the round table, the setting sun creating a magnificent glow across the cafe. My skirt had ridden up a bit when we sat, and I wiggled to pull it back down so the back of my thighs weren't touching the cold metal of the chair. Ruby sat patiently on her seat, her hands crossed atop the table. Her brown hair fell on her slender shoulders and rolled down her smooth back. I blushed just thinking about how far we'd gone last night after we'd finished our homework.

Her parents had gone out to dinner and it was just us. She'd looked at me with pure lust in those emerald orbs and I'd leaned over and kissed her. It was special. Liberating. I knew I loved her as we started to get a bit heavy. I'd gone down on her, just as I'd been day dreaming I would, then she tried to give me what I'd given her and I panicked. I told her I had to leave. She looked so hurt. She looked pained, but I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell her my secret. I wasn't what she wanted. I loved her with everything I had, but I wasn't a girl.

I was a girl stuck in a boys horrendous, stupid, ugly, dick-wridden body.

I sucked in my lip as I tried to figure out what to say to her. I didn't just want to shout out the fact that I was a boy to her. Fuck. I wanted to be a girl. I wanted to go to the bathroom, pull down my skirt and be greeted by a vagina, my dick nowhere in sight. I wanted to be what she wanted. What I wanted. I looked into her beautiful eyes. Trying to pull courage from the green seas. Her eyes swam with affection and I would have been glad to drown in them. If my body allowed that. But it didn't.

"What is it baby?" Her voice was tense with worry and I felt guilty. I put that worry there. And soon it would turn into hatred. Very, very soon. And that should discourage me. That should have me running to the hills. Running from her and to my parents and beg once more for a sex change. A sex change I wasn't going to get. But if there was a slim chance that I could keep her, I had to try to be honest.

put my cards on the table. even the gross penis having ones.

"I need to tell you something. And its really hard to say. I don't think I can say it. Fuck."  

Her hands found mine in the table top and her eyes calmed me, they were so full of love for me. Love I wanted to take and lock in a box so it wouldn't leave as the words I was afraid of speaking aloud left my mouth. I only had a few more moments with this love. As her fingers pulled mine softly a whimper escaped my traider lips.

"Hey, baby, just tell me. It'll be okay." And I trusted her. Those words the confidence boost I needed. They fueled the fire in my heart. It thumped so hard against my chest, slamming into my ribcage painfully. The nerves creeping into my body, and I stiffened. All calm gone. But I had to tell her. To say those god forsaken words. I opened my mouth then closed it. I wiggled in my spot. My under arms prickling with a nervous sweat. Then I shut my eyes tightly and said it.

"I'maboyandIdressasagirlbecauseIwanttobeagirlbutbeforeyoufreakoutIloveyou." It all came out fast, in a jumble and I struggle with my mouth. Trying not to keep adding things in. To keep from saying that same sentence over again. Trying to keep the tears at bay as she pulled her hands away from mine as if I was on fire. As if I was disgusting. As if I was a monster.

Her lips formed a sneer and the love leaked out of her, and I thought for a moment that I could see it oozing from her body to the ground, slithering away from her. Away from me.

Running.

Leaving me.

She stood in the same instant and slapped me with all of her might. My head snapped to the side and as I sat there in shock, I felt something wet coming from my nose. I raised my fingers to my face and gingerly pat my upper lip, pulling my hand away to reveal scarlet liquid staining my fingers, it felt warm and sticky.

she just had to be captain of the volleyball team, huh?

I couldn't mask the hurt. I couldn't stop the tears as she opened her mouth, a screech erupting from it. "How dare you lie to me, you ass hat! I kissed you, I let you go down on me, and all along you're a dude? I hope you didn't actually think I'd be okay with this, you pig!"

"Please Ruby. I love you, okay? I'm sorry, but I didn't think I needed to tell you! I just... I'm ashamed..." I muttered. She stomped her foot. "Well, we're O-V-E-R over, Casey, if thats even your real name." I rolled my eyes through my childish tears. "Of course its my real name."

"Go kill yourself," she shouted at me before storming out of the cafe. I felt eyes on me.

I felt the tears, the blood. The shame. The guilt. The pain. All mixed together. And as I thought of what to do now, my mind raced. She'd tell everyone. She'd let everyone know I was a fraud. Not on purpose. She was a blabbermouth. She couldn't help it. Like those words. She was just mad, right? She didn't actually want me to kill myself? She hadn't ignored the fact that I had tried to kill myself. She just forgot.

She just forgot that she meant the world to me.

And I broke down then. The sting of rejection turning into a stabbing pain in my chest. The need to have a vagina mutiplying sevenfold. I felt as if my heart had been dragged from my body down a steaming hot road at a hundred miles per hour. I just wanted to rip it out. To stop the throbbing. The beating.

I stood from my slumped over position in my chair and ran for the door, down the side walk acrossed the street and all the way to my house, which was a long ways away from the cafe but I didn't care, I needed the running. I needed the release. I needed the release. The one I got from slitting skin. I needed to get home. As soon as I reached our porch, I took the key from under the mat and dug it into the door. I threw the door open and ran through the house, up the stairs to my room, painted pink, covered in girl, smelling like perfume and flowers, bras in a drawer beside my bed, my full length mirror standing. Mocking me.

I tore out the blonde extentions. I was left with my bleached hair. It fell a bit past my ears. I'd had it in a pixie cut, but it grew fast. I ripped the skirt off and the bandou i'd paired it with and stepped out of the flip-flops I sported. I stared at my body. Tiny. Frail. The black bra I had on lent my temperary breasts. I unhooked it and threw it to the groud stomping on it. I was left in black panties. They belonged on a girl, a fucking girl. The tears kept running down my face. The makeup upon it smearing. Running down with the tears. I walked over to my bed and slid my hand under my pillow. In my IPod case was a blade. I'd snagged it from a box cutter.

I walked back to the mirror and screamed as loud as I could. My voice giving out at the end of it. I even sounded like a girl.

But I wasn't one.

I bent over and slid the blade across my thigh so many times I lost count. The blood dripped down my legs and to the floor. Then I straightened out and slid it across my stomach, my sides, until the firey pain was everywhere. I couldn't move without the pain stabbing through me.

I'm not a boy. I'm not a boy.

But. The penis in my panties said otherwise and I screamed again, raking my manicured, acrilic nailed down my face.

I'm not a boy.

***

The shower was steaming hot and it took everything in me not to scream from the burning pain and the sharp stinging from the cuts. The effects of the pain pills I'd gulped down was speeding through my veins. I could feel myself dragging. My eylids drooping.

I was probably not going to die. But, I wanted to.

Stepping out of the shower once I'd rinsed it clean of any blood, I wrapped a towel around my body. Then I walked into my room and sighed. I'd just have to suck it up and act like my heart wasn't broken.

I slid into some panties and put a bra on then proceeded to fix my extentions, putting them in also, after drying and straightening it. Then I slid into some pink sweats and a black v-neck long sleeved t-shirt. I looked in the mirror and my heart gave a squeeze. How could I be a boy when everything in me shouted girl? I smiled at my reflection.

Fuck Ruby. Fuck love. I knew what I was. I was a girl. I was born to be one. Even though the pain of loosing Ruby was intense and I felt like dying, I would somehow be okay. I had to be.