Broken Hope (Newt fanfic)

5•Old Habits And Old Lies

*Listen to song while reading*

Hopes POV.

Newt limped over towards a small table with a few random things on it. His back was facing me and I couldn't help but let my eyes wander on his toned arms.

I couldn't see what he was doing but he soon turned around with a plate dull of food on it.

It was simple mash potatoes and a sausage. As much as my mouth watered at the sight of food the voices in my head spoke.

You don't need it!
You need to be skinny!
You're too fat!

I was soon looking at the food with disgust. I can't eat it! I won't! Newt silently sat down in an old wooden chair with the white plate and silver fork in his large hands.

His eyes met mine, his beautiful brown eyes, I quickly looked away in fear of staring.

He cleared his throat and offered me the plate of food, it looked like a poison, as if one bite of it will ruin me.

Immediately a lie flew out of my mouth out of habit. I couldn't help myself.

"I'm not hungry," I said confidently as if it were true. It's stupid how many times I've said it, but I seem to end up convincing myself I'm not hungry.

He sighed deeply, stood up and took a seat on the side of my bed. His eyes bore into mine and I could see all of the sadness and worry in it.

"You need to eat love," Newt replied in a desperate hope to get me to eat. I rolled my eyes and repeated my lie once again.

Newts POV.

How can she lie to herself like this? She's not only causing me pain but herself as well. She needs to eat.

I glanced down at her boney body. Although she was fully clothed you could see the bones poking out. Her hip bones, ribcage and collerbone was what stood out at the moment.

I felt guilt wash over my like a wave trying to suffocate me, drown me. I felt like this was my fault, it is my fault. I ignored her, I never helped her.

I don't know why I ignored her, she made me feel something tingle inside me and it scared me.

I scanned her bandaged arms and tried to hold back my tears. How could I of not noticed her pain and sadness?

I knew I couldn't force her to eat, I had to help her slowly and give her time. I know she can be fixed, I can fix her, I have to.

She refused to eat it and kept repeated the same lie, like she was also trying to convince herself.

It scared me how she could of done this. How long has this been going on for?

She must of felt true pain, sadness and self hate to damage herself this badly.

I set the plate aside and as much as I wanted to talk to her about this, to know everything she still looked tired and weak.

She hasn't been awake for long and must be exhausted. I was going to sleep in here to take care of her and make sure she didn't hurt herself.

I sat down on the chair once again and got comfortable. I muttered a 'goodnight' but she didn't reply.

I looked over and saw her eyes closed and breathing steady. She already fell asleep. She looked peaceful, for the first time she didn't look in pain or engulfed in sadness. She was at peace.

I felt my eyes start to drop and didn't hesitate to let them. It had been a long stressful day. I could feel myself letting go and was soon in my dreams.

Hopes POV.

He finally fell asleep, great. I peeled the warm covers off of my sore body. As much as I hated to do this I had to. It was an addiction. I did it every night.

I crawled out of the sheets and towards the Med Jacks knifes. I tried my hardest to not wake Newt up.

I had a soft grip on the sharp knife and I mechanically walked into another empty room. It felt like I was sentencing myself to prison.

This place is my prison I can never escape. I tried just yesterday but not even death wanted me. No one wants me.

I sunk down to the floor. I thought had ran out of tears for the day but I was wrong.

The salty tears rolled down my cheeks and I unwrapped my bandages on my left arm.

I was soon met with my deep haunting cuts that I made before. It scared my sometimes, I couldn't stop this, I needed to do it.

I saw an open bare untouched space on my arm and instantly brought the knife into it.

I didn't have a lot of room or time to make as many I wanted to but it gave me my release I've been begging for.

The blood dripped onto the floor but I was quick to clean it up before it dried. After only 30 minutes the blood had stopped flooded out of my arm.

The fresh cuts seemed to fit well with my old ones. A new mark to add to my arm filled with my self destruction.

I rewrapped my arm back up, cleaned the knife and the blood up. I placed it back in its original spot and slid back into bed.

Newt was mumbling something in his dreams but I ignored whatever he was saying.

I took in everything that has happened in the past day and knew I wouldn't be sleeping very much tonight.

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The past 5 hours consisted of me tossing and turned trying to fall asleep and trying to ignore the voices that haunted my thoughts.

I was going crazy and knew I couldn't be fixed, no one could fix me so I don't see why anyone is started to care and help me when it's all too late.