All his little things(drabbles)(Zayn-centric)(Boyxboy)

Pain.(Zianourry)

Pain.

It's not a word. It's not an emotion. It's not even a feeling. No.

Pain.

It's the shadow that looms over you in the brightest of days. The mask that covers your face and doesn't let itself seep through. It's the stone that sits in your heart. The lump that grows in your throat suffocating you till the point where you can only gasp to breathe. It's the pang in your chest that reminds you of your existence. It's the darkness that consumes you and makes you forget yourself.

That's Pain.

And that's what Zayn felt when he woke up on the 25th of the third month of that year. It felt like all that he had kept to himself was exploding out, suffocating him. It was like the revival of emotions that he had felt precisely a year ago. The strong feeling of nostalgia, embracing him in its coldness.

Pain.

It has different ways of showing itself. Some cry, some yell, and some just fall apart. And believe it or not, those are the ones who get off the hook easily. No matter how much it affects them, they will be releasing it and getting it out of their system. Those are the people who rid themselves of pain and start again completely healing themselves. They might be reminded of it, but they won't ever be on the verge of breaking down again.

However, not all of the people are that lucky. There is a real bunch of them who have it the worse. They are in a state that is commonly referred as denial.

Denial does not only mean that a person does not accept something, but it is a condition where the person is split in two, torn between themselves in a war of their own. The pain that consumes the person becomes a part of them, nagging at their heart and reminding them of its presence, but unlike everyone else they swallow it, letting it grow until it becomes that person.

Zayn was in denial. On what was supposed to be the happiest day of his life, he woke up with a vortex of emotions pulling at his heart. A year ago when he had left, it was merely a point of realization that life was too short not to spend it for himself, the exhaustion of the facade only working as a fuel for his actions. It was exactly as he had later narrated in his interviews.

' He had just wanted to go home.'

And the circumstances made it easy for him to leave like he did.

In retrospect, Zayn was not a reckless person. The Bradford lad had always thought more than twice before doing anything, whether it was as small as an embarrassing confession or as big as coming out of the closet. However, that day it felt like over thinking has what restrained him in the first place. And taking control of his life for once was the best feeling he had ever experienced. For once, doing things just for the hell of it felt like the greatest idea ever, and it might've been the best if he hadn't left behind something he valued.

Pain.

It's there for a reason. It's what makes us different from an inanimate object. It's what makes us human.

Zayn was human. He had not thought about what he was leaving behind, just about what he had gone through and what awaited him. Personally, he hadn't thought of it as leaving them behind but growing with them at his side. But not everything works the way you want it to.

The boys were furious. They were not ready to understand anything. They just wanted him to tell them. Were they not enough? Why did he only left a year before their contract ended? Was it that much for him? Most importantly, were they too much for him?