under the mask [ a Kylo Ren fanfiction ]

Chapter 25

Kylo Ren

Sleep never came. His body ached and Ren wanted nothing more than to just lay in bed and forget the world. Instead he remembered that he would have to face the Supreme Leader in several hours and Ren would not face him like this.

Pulling himself out of bed, he ran a hand over his face feeling the cut. The ointment had been working well, the medics had told him so. But Ren could tell because his entire face didn't erupt in pain the second he touched it. He tiptoed across the room not wanting to wake Lena up. That was the last thing he wanted. 

Ren pushed himself through his morning checklist while he didn't dare look in the mirror. Scared about what he may see. Shuffling across the room, he took one of the pills, swallowing it dry, then threw on some loose clothes perfect for working out. While he dreaded what would be a terrible and strenuous work out, Ren looked forward to it all the same.

~~~

Two hours and four miles later, Ren headed back to the room. Normally he could double, sometimes even triple that in the same amount of time but his leg made things more difficult than he originally thought. His footsteps echoed down the hall, he still had enough time to grab a shower and eat something before he had to meet with Snoke.

Troopers nodded in reverence when Ren passed, fear made their posture straight and their voices silent. Ren had worked for years building that fear into them, it had been a great source of pride for him. He was so young to be in charge of so many, he knew if he was truly going to be a good leader he had to be feared. There would no be question of whether or not Ren was powerful enough.

Know those things that had seemed so important didn't look that way. He didn't like their fear, it was the same fear he had placed in Lena. The same fear he so desperately wished he could remove.

Things were going to change, Ren could feel it. They had set a chain of reactions that couldn't be stopped. He was sure the rebels at this point had located Luke now that they had the full map. War, terrible war. It was coming, he'd be lying if he said it didn't send a chill down his spine.

Back at the room, Ren flicked his wrist to unlock the door and strode inside. The bed was empty and the shower was running. He rubbed his hands together, he would have to wait for her to get done before he could do anything. 

He ran his fingers through his hair, the aches of the workout starting to set in. A couple of minutes passed, Ren just assumed that Lena had just gotten in the shower when he got there. He picked up the room, killing time, he couldn't just stand there idly waiting. He bagged the garbage, mentally noting he would have to have someone come and clean the room whenever it was probable to hide Lena in the workout room. 

Lena wouldn't stay, not for long, Ren knew she wouldn't. This was the straw that had finally broke the camel's back. 

"Lena?" he said, knocking on the door. She had been in there too long, something was wrong Ren could feel it. "Lena?" He said again. He could sense her in there, she hadn't just run off. He attempted to twist the door but it was locked. 

He was getting worried. Lena wasn't weak, in fact she was probably one of the strongest people he knew. She felt things very deeply. Feelings aren't bad, feeling something isn't bad, but when you let your emotions drown you, then you have a problem. Ren didn't know what she would do, or how she would react.

After he had left and betrayed all the Jedi the first time, he never knew how she coped. Ren knew his father left his mom, he knew he couldn't handle the guilt. He knew his mom rose up and continued to lead the rebels. And Luke ran away. Lena, he didn't know what she did.

"Lena, I'm coming in," Ren said flipping the lock. He waited a moment, waiting for her to yell at him not to come in. But he heard nothing.

He opened the door, the steam rolling out. The mirror was completely fogged up with the exception of the water that was running down it. He turned around to other side of the door to the shower. The curtain was shut, Ren was suddenly scared, not in fear of her, but in fear for her. 

Pulling back the curtain slowly, trying to make sure to not invade her privacy. Lena was sitting, fully clothed with her back against the wall. She didn't look up as Ren gawked at her. "Lena," he said crouching down. She covered her face with her hands, and her shoulders trembled.

Ren sighed and stepped into the shower pulling the curtain closed. The water felt cold as it soaked his clothes, but he didn't mind. He bent down and pulled her up, he held onto to her arms so she couldn't hide herself. "Lena, you have to listen to me, you can't just shut yourself up in here."

He knew he had said the right thing because her eyes lit up in anger. Sometimes you have to step on someones toes to help them. "How dare you say that?" Lena spit each word with venom. "I'm sorry that you don't understand what it's like to mourn for someone you love."

He winced against her words, his own anger and sadness rising up in him. "You don't think I hate myself for what I did? I regret what I did." The second he said it, he realized how true it was. "Every where I look I see him, I killed my father." His voice broke on the last word.

They stood there, both staring at each other. Ren couldn't tell if she was crying or if it was the water from the shower. In his own honesty, he wasn't sure if he wasn't crying too. 

"I want to hate you," she whispered.

"Hate me then." Ren sighed, "If that makes thing easier for you then hate me." The water beat down on his back, no longer any hint of warmth in it. His hair fell into his face but he didn't move to fix it. 

"All I can do is hate myself," Lena choked, burying her head into Ren's chest.

Suddenly confused, he asked, "Why?"

"Because I can't make myself hate you." She said meeting his eyes for the first time since before Ren had told her what he had done. "That first time you left, when you betrayed everyone. I tried so hard for months. I tried to hate you. I was bitter and you were a monster in my eyes. Your mom and I had many long nights, both of us trying to hate you, and I couldn't. I still can't."