under the mask [ a Kylo Ren fanfiction ]

Chapter 32

Kylo Ren

The depth of everything that had happened was starting to sink in the further Ren got from the meeting room. In his mind he could still see the ship spinning out of control, he could still see the explosion. It hurt like a physical pain deep in his chest.

Lena. Her face was etched into his mind. Gorgeous was never the way to describe her. She was something better than a word that just described a face. She was caring and smart and loved way more than she ever should have. That was her downfall.

Ren's face still burned but he ignored it. His entire body ached. His leg, his face it was a widespread ache. But Ren barely felt it, the numbing feeling of loss quickly spreading like a disease.

He ducked his head down running straight into Phasma. Ren didn't even know she was alive, he hadn't seen her since Starkiller Base. Ren masked the feeling of shock, he thought she went down with the planet. Her suit was scraped up quite a bit but she was alive.

"Captain Phasma," Ren's voice was still ragged from the meeting room. 

"Lord Ren," she bowed stiffly. Her voice was metallic from the helmet but he could still hear the pain in her voice. Under different circumstances he might have asked her what had happened, now he just wanted to hide. 

Ren moved around her, letting her pass. The cruiser wasn't small but it wasn't big either. It didn't take more than a minute to get to his room. It wasn't a moment too soon, the weight of everyone's stares were deafening. Everyone who was scared of him before, now they either felt pity or snobbish. Ren wouldn't accept either.

Being alone meant he was being suffocated. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her face. He killed her, just like he killed his father. 

It felt like a million years just since this morning. Had it really been this morning that he found Lena in the floor of the shower? Had it even been just yesterday morning that he had told her about that he murdered his father? He fell on his knees, unable to bear the weight of his guilt.

Ren hated the concept of time, time was irrelevant. Yesterday, today, tomorrow. There was always time, you always had time until you ran out. 

Lena had ran out of time.

What he would do to give her more out it! Why did he get more time? Why did Ren, a lying, murderous, traitor get to keep breathing?! Ren slammed his fists on the floor, he slammed them again and again. He wished that he could feel something. Blood appeared on his knuckles, it splattered on the floor with each pound.

He didn't know when the tears appeared, but the were running fast. He hated himself, with every fiber that was in him. Ren told himself that he hated Lena too. He hated that she had to get herself killed. He hated, he hated, that was all he could feel. It consumed him.

Hate.

"Ren," a voice came from the door with a small knock. Hux. What the hell did he want? Ren threw open the door, he could only imagine how terrifying he looked. Hux recoiled instantly from him. Ren's face was tear streaked and full of rage, while his hands were still bloody from their encounter on the floor.

"What-," Hux stammered. He looked Ren up and down, finally coming up with something to say. "I  just came to-."

Before Hux could get out another word he punched him square in the nose. Ren felt a crack reverberate through his hand. It felt good, really good. Blood spewed from his nose; partially Hux's and partially Ren's.

"For all I care you're just as responsible as Snoke. You killed her too." Ren spat. His hatred flowing out in every word. He slammed the door, letting the dark slip back over him. 

He was done trying to be good. Ren saw where it got him. It got him no where. All he had now was a busted heart and a shattered mind. The dark was a much easier place to hide, it's a lot harder to get hurt there. 

Ren promised himself he would never let that happen again. Even if it meant losing every part of whatever was left of his soul, he would destroy anything that tried to get in the way of him. Nothing was going to hurt him now. He never wanted to feel the pain he felt now again.

Snoke was right. This was Ren's chance... and he would rise.