Twisted Knot

Definitely, Maybe, Someday

~Paul~

The night before Stefan's funeral, I was holding Elizabeth. We'd shared a bed in my home for several nights, but things were different. People had died, Stefan had died, and we were both still shaken. Often I'd catch her staring out a window, and I'd walk up to her and whisper "it's over, Liz. You're safe now." She'd nod like she agreed, but I think she was wondering what I really meant. I was telling her the dying was over, the pain had ended, and her past was finally just that, the past. But in her eyes were a million untold secrets; somewhere lurking in her mind was a realization.

She still loved Stefan. Stefan was dead.

I had seen the fact that things were still complicated for Beth and Stefan when we at the safe house. I heard her whispering his name in her sleep. It was painful for me, not just because I still desperate wanted my name on Elizabeth's lips and mind, but because I'd lost something too. First Cecelia and now Stefan were gone. How many deaths would I see before forty? Elizabeth turned over in her sleep and rested her head on my chest. Not hers, never hers, I thought. One thing I believed resolutely was that Stefan had asked me to take care of his family, and I would do that. I kissed her forehead and let my hand touch her hair, absently thanking God I hare d survived. This, this right here is what I need.

"Paul," she said. "I can't sleep. I am exhausted, but I'm just too sad. And I'm worried about Jeremy..." I was worried too; Jeremy had seen and experienced too many things for a child.

"Do you want me to look in on him for a moment, see if he's asleep?" I asked. She shook her head.

"No," she said. Her eyes got foggy for a moment and I could imagine the wheels turning in her head. "Paul, we haven't been together since everything happened. Do you miss me?"

"Of course I do," I said. 'But I do have a heart. It never seems like the right time, with what you're going through." And what I'm going through.

"Will we always feel guilty now?" She asked. I exhaled, slowly, having wondered the same thing.

"For a time, maybe we will feel guilty. But I know Stefan wanted both of us to be happy, and now that he is gone it's actually appropriate for us to be together. We can wait as long as you'd like, out of respect for Stefan."

"Ok," Elizabeth said. "But for tonight, maybe we could just be us. I...I need you Paul. Even if it's wrong, I need you to make love to me..." I lifted her chin with my finger and saw the look in her eyes.

"Are you sure," I asked. She nodded and kissed her, letting my body tell her things I could never say with words. There was this urgency and sorrow in our touches, and I pulled back quickly. What was going on in her head?

"Liz," I whispered. "Why does this feel like we're saying goodbye?"

"Paul, please just kiss me. Just hold me and make me forget. Tomorrow will worry about itself." I sighed before doing exactly as she asked; sensing that somehow tomorrow meant I'd lose her forever. Several kisses later, untold moments of ecstasy, and the woman of my dreams safely in my arms, and I felt like I was happy. There following loss and despair, I had found a small spark of hope. And as she finally closed her eyes and feel asleep to the beating of my heart, I knew it wouldn't last. Perfect things never did.

~Elizabeth~

Funerals, the ultimate way to say something is over.

The cemetery has never felt lonelier, even though I am surrounded by people. Paul is holding my hand; he has finally gotten back on his feet. The slight bruises on his face are a reminder of what was. Jeremy is quiet now, not speaking unless spoken to, never smiling. I don't know how a child should be processing the death of his father; I don't know how to process Stefan's death. I spent so much time being angry, being hurt, that I never got to say everything. He'd never know that even though I'd left him, even though I'd finally been pushed to the breaking point, I still loved him. I still cherished the good times, and I was still unforgettably changed by his touch on my life.