Twisted Knot

some sort of sickness

~Elizabeth~

I sat on toilet, crying. I am certain Stefan, or Paul, knew I had turned the shower off. I had to stop, and cry, like a tiny little child. But it was all so...overwhelming. The last twelve hours had stretched on for days and I didn't know who I was anymore. Yesterday, I was just a working mom who worried about frown lines and field trips. Now, my husband was a stranger and I'd had an affair. And when I thought about Jeremy, my sweet first grader, where did this leave him?

I head a soft knock on the door.

"Beth," Stefan said. 'I know you're mad at me, but we need to talk." I just cried more, losing my voice. Moments went by, and I could feel him waiting. I couldn't speak still.

 "Beth, are you alright?" He called. I tried to say yes, but instead I just cried harder.

"Beth, I'm coming in. Ok, I need to see that you're alright..." He opened the door and looked at me, bawling like a total idiot.

"Beth," he said, walking over to me and sitting at my feet. He rubbed my arms and I tried to sniffle back some tears unsuccessfully.

"Don't look at me," I said. "I'm a mess. I hate myself, God I hate myself. I can't look at you right now. And I probably look like Shit...God you're seeing me like this. Apparently you're used to beautiful women like Isabella, and I let you in here while I'm like this..."

"Beth, stop," he said. "You are the most elegant, gorgeous woman I know. I love you. I don't care what happened yesterday, I want you today. And it’s all my fault anyway. You have to know those other women were mistakes, and they are nothing in comparison to you."

"You say that," I said. "I don't know why you are fighting for me. It's clear you stopped wanting me. Why else would you sleep with them, and not with me...I guess you just got bored with..." Stefan stopped my words with his mouth, crushing my lips. I forgot everything else and dived into him, feeling safe in his arms. I still love him, I realized as I fell into his body, getting lost in his arms. And it was different than the new, exciting feeling with Paul. It was deep in me, the way I felt for Stefan. He was the man who fathered my son, who held me when I cried, who shared my dreams and secrets. We had so much history, and that spark was still there. If my night with Paul hadn't changed my love for Paul, maybe, just maybe Stefan still loved me too.

I pulled away and wiped a tear, looking at Stefan for the first time. He looked different today, nervous and vulnerable. He was worried, and it was strange.

"You must be crazy," Stefan said, pushing my hair back. "If you think I don't want you or that you could ever bore me." I laughed and looked at him.

"I'm not crazy," I said. "It's a logical conclusion. We haven't been together in months, and you've been with other women for years. Put the two together, and a pretty clear picture of how you feel is there."

"No, you're missing some details," Stefan said. "I have to tell you something, and it is going to make things worse before they get better."

"Ok," I said, not really ready for more secrets. He swallowed before he looked me in the eye.

"I am an alcoholic," Stefan said. "I drink every day. Some days I just have a drink or two, and I don't get drunk that often. But it happens, it's been happening. When I drink, like go on a bender, I make sure I am never home. But when I do drink, I do things I wouldn't normally do. I lose control. I've lost all control." Everything spun around and his words reverberated in my head. What? How did I not know this? What kind of wife was I?

"How long have you been an alcoholic?" I said quietly, trying to sound understanding.

"Since I was twenty," he said. "I'm sorry I never told you. I thought I'd never have to, because I was sober. Remember how I used to go to Tuesday night poker? That an AA meeting. And it was all ok, I was good and clean."

"So when did it change?" I asked. He frowned and looked up at me.

"Three years ago," he said. "It doesn't justify my actions, but I've never cheated sober. And I almost stayed sober for months now. Isabella caught me on a bad day, and she came onto me. It all went to hell Beth. I screwed up, a lot."

"How long were you sober before Isabella?" I asked. He shrugged.

"Since you met Davis," he said. "It didn't take long for me to figure out who you both were spending time with. I knew how he felt, and that you saw him as practically a brother. But I knew if you had doubts, you would start to see your other options. Davis is a good guy, he is everything I am not Beth."

"If you were uncomfortable with our friendship, you should have said so. I never wanted to hurt you..." My voice trailed off, confusion clouding my words.

"Because it was like the perfect solution," Stefan said. "I knew if I screwed up again, you'd turn to him and he'd slowly win you over. It was like this landmine and it kept me from drinking. But the truth is you can't use to fear sober up, and I got what I deserved. I cheated, I drank, and you got to teach me my lesson."

"That's what this was about," I screamed. "You just wanted to punish yourself? God Stefan, what is wrong with you? I would never, I should never have played your stupid game. I didn't want to hurt you..." He smiled and kissed my forehead.

"I pushed you," he said. "And it was just another dumb, drunken mistake. But today, I am sober."

"That's something," I said. It really was, and his bloodshot eyes suddenly meant something. He was trying to change; he was trying to be a good husband.

"So what do we do now?" I asked, honestly curious. "I love you Stefan, how do I help you get better?"

"I know its bad timing," he said. "With our issues and the fact that we need to fire our nanny. But I need to go to rehab. I already got time off of work for an "emergency surgery". It's a six week program."

"I think we can make that work," I said. "I love you Stefan. This is a good step for you, I know it."

"Beth," he said. "I don't deserve it, but is there any way we can start fresh. I will be an honest man, I swear."

"I don't want a fresh start," I said. "I don't want to forget all the good things. But I do think we need to forgive each other."

"Not a problem," Stefan said. "I forgive you for sleeping with Davis."

"We didn't actually sleep together," I said. "I mean, we came very close, but not completely. Sorry, I know the details are uncomfortable, but I wanted you to know."

"So what, you feel guilty for letting him see you naked?" Stefan chuckled.

"And getting to third base," I said. "Not many men ever get there!"

"You are adorable," Stefan said. "Davis made it sound like more. Asshole."

"I feel bad for him," I said. "I'm confused about all of that now Stefan. I have feelings for him."

"I know," he said. "And we will deal with that and figure all of this out. For now, I am going to work on getting sober and being a good enough man for you. And the rest, well, let’s just take it one day at a time and be very forgiving." And this was why I loved Stefan, this caring, understanding man he'd become.

"How long will Jeremy be with your parents?" I asked.

"Until Thursday," Stefan said. "So do you want to go home and help me pack? Or do you need more space." I grabbed his head and kissed him in a way I hadn't in a very long time. He responded and I felt his strong arms surround me and he pulled back much too quickly.

"Kiss me like that again, and we'll never make it out of here. But I don't want to make love to you here..." I nodded, understanding.

"Let's go home," I said, standing up.

We left a short while later, after gathering my things. As we left, I glanced back at the room and saw the torn up red lace on the floor. I loved Stefan, and finally felt like my marriage had a chance. But could I forget what had happened last night, and the way Paul had made me feel?

 Things were still complicated indeed, and as we walked out the room, I still felt like heart was a giant twisted knot.