Twisted Knot

Shakes

~Stefan~

I had been there for ten hours, and I was pissed at myself. How had I lost control, gotten back here again. To the point of withdrawals, regret, and resenting sobriety. God, the last time I was in rehab I swore never again would I go through it.

The worst part was the shakes.

The shakes that feel like your loosing control, like if you don't have a drink you're going to explode or die, or that you will never ever reach the end. It's like having a black hole swallow you up, and I hated it. The worst part was I wasn't even sure I wanted to be sober now, but I knew I wanted Elizabeth, and as I remember yesterday and the way she had felt in my arms, I knew I needed to be here. I didn't want to loose her, and. Even worse, I did not want Jeremy calling Davis his stepdad.

Shit.

Everytime I thought about Paul touching my wife, and that I'd arranged all of their escapades in my drunken state, I wanted a drink. Im lying of course, I don't really want a drink. I want ten drinks, or maybe twelve. And maybe some pills just to make sure it all goes away...

When did I forget how to cope? I don't know, Maybe when I opened another bottle of alcohol. Before the waitress in Bellvue. And her nineteen year old sister. Then the guilt came the next morning, and I had some more drinks. Another girl, another drink... It was endless.

My head was pounding and I heard a knock on the door.

I opened it up to see a woman, probably about twenty five, who was wearing pajamas and a soft pink robe. I just looked at her, feeling like I could vomit on her at any moment. 

"Hey fresh meat," she said. "I heard we had a new friend. I thought I'd stop by and say hi, see how your first 36 are going..." 

"My what?" I said. "And could possibly whisper, or something..." 

"The first thirty six hours," she replied. "No drugs, no booze, no phone calls. Nothing but regret and an angry body. Sound familiar?" 

"Yeah," I said. "I feel like shit. My name is Stefan, by the way." 

"I'm Kelsey," she said. "Anyway. When I got checked in here, someone helped me through the 36, and since I only have a week left here, I'll help you if you'd like."

"How?" I asked, genuinely curious. She smiled and walked over, sitting on my bed. 

"Well, I brought distractions," she pulling out a deck of cards from her pocket. "Also, I brought some pills. Nothing crazy, just aspirin. You can have one, if you'd like..." Those words sounded like she had offered me a million dollars, and my whole body protested as I replied "no thanks."  

"Well, want to play some card games," she said. "I like War, it's pretty mindless and it will pass the time." I nodded and sat down. Before I knew it, was playing cards, and it did help me forgot the fact that my hands were quivering my head as a pool of acid.  

"So are you married?" Kelsey asked, pointing at my ring. I nodded. 

"That's why I'm here," I said. "To get better for her, and for my son." 

"My husband died," she said. "He was military. That's when it started for me. What's your drug of choice?" she asked. I groaned, feeling uncomfortable discussing it. I didn't like admitting I had a problem.

"Alcohol and loose women," I said, my face heating up. Why did I add the last part? I didn't really know, because I couldn't think too deeply. I was trying to forget the knife digging into my skull. 

"I bet your wife loves that," she laughed. I shrugged. 

"Can you keep a secret," I asked. She smiled and nodded, dropping a card. I was a pretty crappy card player.