Locked Out of Heaven [Complete]

Part 19

His ribs hurt, his nose is probably broken and the air is full of dust. Roberto shook his head and regretted it as an intense pulse of pain in his head washed out the rest of his world for several seconds. Chest heaving, he looked around the car. The right side was dented in, spiderwebs of cracks spreading on the glass. It's a good thing Damien's car can take a good beating. The plastic bag from his trip to the hardware store was still in the passenger seat. He reached for it but winced when his chest pushed against the seat belt. He released himself from the seatbelt, trying to breathe as shallowly as possible. He collected his plastic bag with its contents and opened the door. He kept his right hand clutched tightly around that scrap of paper, pushing its contents to the back of his mind.

He breathed in the dry air for a second and looked around outside. The truck had rammed into the back part of his car and sent it spinning across the intersection, where it stopped right before hitting the trees by the side of the road.  He climbed out and stretched. His chest muscles protested. He poked his ribs gingerly and came to the conclusion that they weren't bruised. His nose was also just minorly abused.

He stumbled away from the car, knowing that he had to keep away from the police. With Damien's car gone, that's one less piece of his previous life for them to track him by. He doesn't have to worry about fingerprints or anything. He doesn't exist as a person as far as the government is concerned. 

Heh. The nonexistent criminal, the killer of a worse criminal and also the killer of Kyerstan. Not that he wasn't a criminal before. He considered laughing. Two parties to watch out for. Two sides to defend from and he was utterly devoid of his father's protection. The wind slithered through his jacket and he shivered, hurrying for home as well as he can. 

~~~~~

He found his apartment door barred by simple yellow tape, but slightly open. Two holes showed where the lock had been shot. He took the tape down and went inside. His apartment was ruffled up quite nicely. He didn't know how the voice on the other end of the phone would get the police to call off the investigation, but it would be a shame if the police happened to find the wealth of incriminating evidence he had in his apartment. 

Not that they were of any use to him now. Without his father, all of his power was gone. A threat was only as strong as the certainty of delivering it. It was just like when he was a child; Cal was an adamant sideliner. A crushing powerlessness overwhelmed him and he sat heavily on his couch. The sound of a downstairs neighbor noisily closing their door startled him out of his train of thought.

He pulled himself back up and taking out the new lock he bought, he set to replacing the lock. The sound of the bolt sliding into place calmed him somewhat.  With the door locked securely, he went to take a shower. 

In that tiled room with the warm water and steam enveloping him, he almost gave in and let himself break down. He scrubbed himself with vigor. All those dead eyes because of him. Why is he still alive? What did he do to deserve this? But then, he remembered Ashton, Gourmet and Kyerstan and knew that it was justification enough.  

A voice spoke in his mind. Or maybe you're too soft. What's a couple of deaths gonna do to you? You grew up like this, didn't you? Weren't you surrounded by these kind of things since you were a babe? Why aren't you more like the rest? Why are you so bothered?

Another voice fought back. I didn't want any of this to happen, okay? Ashton wasn't my fault. Killing Gourmet was for the best. And against Kyerstan, it was self-defense. Either way, if it wasn't for me, it would have never happened.

The two voices inside his head blurred together with his own and he could no longer tell which side they were on. 

Ok, for the first thing, Ashton wouldn't have lasted long with that personality anyway. Killing Gourmet and Kyerstan were both conscious decisions on your part. If you want to beat yourself down, then fine. But what's the point? Why is this all happening? If not for the fact that you do things for absolutely nothing, then none of this would have happened.

Cal was right. You should have listened to him.

I know! More importantly, why aren't you reacting normally to this situation? Has that black hole instead of you sucked out your humanity too? Your whole family has died and all you can think about is your own survival.

It's too bad I'm still alive, huh? 

Hmph, not everything is about you, Roberto. Besides, Kazimir has been planning a raid for a long time, it seems. Your "family" would have died with or without you either way.

But I wasn't there. Damien told me, Frederico told me, but I just didn't take it seriously enough. I was gone when my family needed me!

Pfft. You have only two deaths under your belt. I bet you can't handle much more. Look at the state you are in now! You wouldn't help them much. You'd just have died like the rest of them. By the way, why is it that you still want to live?

Oh. You're thinking about Adelina, right? Right. It's all actually her fault!

Shut up! You know nothing!

What do you know about her anyway? What is she to you exactly?

Roberto shoved his conscience away and shut off the water. Maybe the reason why I'm so numb is because everything I've done is actually for nothing. That picture proves that. 

A spark of anger flared up. If Father had just told me, then all of this would have been prevented. It was his fault! He thought back to all the little clues that had been there. The seemingly random question about his mother that day in his office and Mrs. Carrara's reaction to Roberto. But as soon as that thought came, the anger died with it. His cheeks flamed with shame. Your father is dead, goddammit, and that's all you can say?

Father, Ashton... I'm sorry. Those two words fell painfully short. 

Kyerstan and Gourmet... You didn't have to die. Why were you there? If you'd run away, maybe I would still be Little Prince. 

Regret poured in. The most powerful emotion of all. The one that renders even the strongest of minds powerless. If only... If only... If only...

If only I hadn't done this or that. If only I had done this or that. 

By the time Roberto got out of the shower, the steam had already cleared and the feeling of cool air brushing his wet skin sent him shivering. A funny thought struck him. Hell should be full of ice and wind rather than fire and lava. 

~~~~~

He set his bedroom to order and pulled the curtains shut. In the dark, it was much easier to think. He searched inside himself for more crippling emotions. He cracked open the little black box in his mind. And it all flood out. The pressure of it all crushed him and sent his body shaking uncontrollably. 

Outside, the sky rumbled ominously and soon began to rain.