Shit, I'm Falling For A Weasley || George Weasley

Chapter 30 - In which silencio becomes my favourite spell

My gaze hardens as the train picks up speed. It's going to be a tough few months, but according to the Dark Lord, I'm needed at Hogwarts. But with that it means having to face things I've been avoiding the whole summer. I'm going to have to meet my friends. I don't know how I'm going to keep up the pretence of being the same Lily Argent when I don't even remember who she is. Then there's Snape as well. Somehow I've managed to avoid him all summer as well. Considering I'm not invited to most of the meetings, I don't have to see him. But occasionally I saw him at the Malfoy's and I use to sneak out of a window through the back door. Once Malfoy caught me doing so and I think he felt pity for me or he just understood, and he didn't rat me out. I guess when it comes to dysfunctional families, he understands the most. 

Then there's Dumbledore. How do I even face him? Yes this was mainly all his idea and I'm forever thankful for his training on how to shield my mind from the Dark Lord, but I doubt he ever considered the fact that I would go this deep into the darkness. I almost killed someone this summer. The thought makes me shudder. It was a muggle who was just in the wrong place in the wrong time. I stunned her and had the killing curse on the tip of my tongue but something stopped me. It's like I remembered that this is all supposed to be a cover and if I do this then there's no going back. I'll become a person I don't know I even want to recognise. Greyback took my hesitation as an opportunity to bite her. She seemed not much younger than I and her screams still haunt my dreams every day. The pleading for the pain to end, the cries for her loved ones who abandoned her when we showed up, the look in her eyes as she gave into the immense pain and died. 

Maybe I should have just killed her. It would have saved her from all the pain that was going to follow. Either way it is certain that Dumbledore didn't want me to lose myself in this role, but sometimes I wonder whether I even had a chance to remain sane. When you put a mask on yourself everyday and show the world a different side to yourself that isn't really you, sometimes that mask becomes in-differentiable to your face. It becomes a part of you. And suddenly you end up thinking back to when that mask stopped being a mask and you decided this was who you wanted to be. 

I think Malfoy must have felt sorry for me or something as I turn over the paper note he passed to me this morning. 

Potter, Granger and Weasley- stay away. Other Weasley - you used to be best friends. Everyone else - you hate. Don't talk to me in school 

Smiling to myself I crumple the paper up again. Honestly I'm not too sure how Malfoy knew that I needed something like this- something to remind me where I stand with everyone. It must have been after the Diagon Alley attack where he found me nursing the bruises on my arm. He didn't say a word but just gave me a stiff nod when I offered him a small smile. He must know there's something wrong with me, but just how much has he guessed? If he didn't have such a big mission this year then I would be worried about his speculation as the Dark Lord could easily sense that something is wrong. Not that I'm allowed to know what this mission is, I just know that pretty much all the meetings in the last few days have been about that. Whenever Malfoy returns from them, he looks more and more... haunted. 

I almost feel sorry for him. Almost. I still remember the person he was last year and the year before that. If it wasn't for him then the amount of detentions and pain from Umbridge would have been significantly lower. But at the same time, having spent a whole summer in the same house as him, I can't help but feel like he's a different person now. Someone who looks alarmingly familiar. Like he too has the weight of something unbearable on his shoulders that he has to carry alone. I don't know why he's chosen to agree to whatever they've decided but it must be a valid reason. I mean Malfoy is a bit of a jerk, but he's not stupid. 

And his little gestures like giving me this note and tipping me off about the Weasley shop makes me wonder whether there's a whole different side to him. If I can have two sides to me then why can't he? I scoff at myself. Am I so scared of being lonely at Hogwarts that I'm finding similarities between Malfoy and I? I am scared though. Scared that Argent's past will come to haunt me. I've somewhat pieced together an image of her life. She was friends with the blood traitors and that Potter guy. But then if I haven't kept in touch with any of them, and my abrupt departure at the end of last year- surely they'll think that I don't want to friends with them anymore? It would make things so much more easy since I wouldn't have to worry about pretending to be someone I don't think I am anymore. There's only so many masks one person can wear. It does make me wonder who will be left when all the masks are removed.