Senseless

Chapter Forty

Jason. The one person that I refuse to even speak of. That is the hardest thing for me to think about because of the pain. Jon and Fringe try to never bring him up because they know. I am honestly so unsure how to even process Jason at this point because I don't know anything when it comes to Jason.

Fringe has told me stories and so has Jon. Jason isn't the same anymore. He is worse then he ever was before. He has never been this bad. Everyone is worried. Sam is worried. Lewis is worried. Denver is worried. Everyone. Jon and Fringe try not to talk about him to much around me but when people talk about Jason in this house, I hear it.

They don't want me to worry. I don't want me to worry. Anytime his name is said my heart races faster than ever and it hurts. Pain pulsates itself all over my body at the mention of him.

I tried not to read his letters. After I read the first one, I said I wouldn't read anymore. Mostly because of how much pain I went through when I did read it. It hurt so bad and I couldn't even understand it. Pain pulsated its way throughout my body and it was unbearable. I couldn't go through something like that again.

The next letter came and I tried not to pick it up. I really tried. I failed. I read it and the pain became worse. I read every single letter that he sent because I couldn't control myself. I don't know how to control myself when it comes to Jason, hence why I fucked him so many times. God, I miss him in more then one way.

I wanted to write back. I actually did write back. I just never sent them. They sit in my desk drawer haunting me. Making sure that I know. I know that they are sitting there and that I should feel like shit. His pain is because of me.

Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if we would have never met. I wouldn't be going through this and he wouldn't be in pain because of me. He should hate me. One day he will hate me. I don't want him too but he needs too. It is the only way that I could ever move on. But, if I am honest, I will never move on. I can't move on. I won't move on. I just can't.

"Miley, are you okay?" Fringe asked pulling out of my deep and painful thoughts.

"Y-yeah." I said clearing my throat.

"This is why we didn't want to tell you." Jon sighed.

"It's okay, I will be okay." I said. I was lying. I will never be okay but I don't have a choice anymore.

"When we go to Canada we want you to stay with someone else. We don't want you to be alone." Fringe started as I walked over to the table to take a seat.

"I will be just fine with a babysitter." I sighed.

"No, Miley." Jon sighed.

"You need to stay with Lewis or Greggory. Someone who can check on you and be there for you. At this point, you shouldn't be staying in the house alone, babysitter or not." Jon said. He is right but I don't want to hear it.

"Let's not talk about this right now." I said rubbing my forehead.

"Okay." Fringe sighed. "At least think about it. We are just looking out for you." Fringe said sitting down in the chair next to me.

"Fine," I rolled my eyes.

"What do you both want for dinner?" Jon asked as he moved his way around the kitchen.

"Something good and a lot of something good." I said.

"Same," Fringe said with a laugh.

"Okay," Jon said with a confused look on his face.

"How are you feeling?" Fringe asked as Jon cooked away in the kitchen. I had always found it easier to talk with Fringe.

"Okay," I shrugged. He looked at me as if I was lying to him. "I'm tired and my feet hurt and I just want to eat food." I smiled.

"That sounds about right." Fringe smiled.

"I'm really glad you guys are back." I smiled looking at Fringe and then Jon whom was cooking away in the kitchen.

"Aw," Fringe said as he pretended to blush.

"Shut-up." I said playfully hitting his arm.

"Damn, Miley. You are getting pretty weak these days." Fringe said mocking me.

"Whatever." I rolled my eyes.

"Dinner is done," Jon said a little while later.

"Finally," I said standing to my feet and walking to get myself a big plate of Jon's food.

We ate and caught up on everything that has been going on since they left. I was happy that we were not talking about Jason anymore. I don't think that I can handle much more talk about him. I am worried about him and I want to know how he has doing.

He hasn't sent me a letter in a little over a month now. Its been 4 months since I have last seen him. Anytime I think of that I feel like I got hit by a train.

I excused myself from the table and went up to my bedroom. I had so many questions about him but I couldn't ask because if I knew, I would run back to him. I can't let that happen.

(Ahhhhh. This was painful to write. seriously. I hope you all continue to stick with me. Prepare yourself for the next chapter. It will be just as bad...if not worse. Please comment and vote. xo.)