Like Hurricanes

20. Broken friendships

Once the classes were over, I decided I should talk to him. Maybe out of curiosity, maybe because I was trying to be polite. Maybe I needed to talk to someone, anyone, even if it was a guy who had never understood anything I said. As I came closer to his desk, he started putting his books in the backpack.

"Hey, Andre.''

Noemi was standing right next to us. I didn't want to look her in the eye, afraid to see the disappointment on her face. Again.

"Are you serious?" Andrea said.

"Huh?"

"I said are you fucking serious?"

I raised a brow. Somehow it was funny the way he said 'fucking', it sounded unnatural.

"Why are you so angry?" I asked.

"Why am I so angry?''

It looked like he was going to explode. The classroom was now completely empty, except the three of us.

"You know, you can say whatever you want about Enrico, but what he said is true. You are an asshole.''

I stood still, not knowing what to say. Somehow the word 'asshole' sounded more bitter when said by him. It was more sardonic and pungent. Maybe it's because this time I actually cared. I cared about his opinion of me.

''Why would you say that?'' I asked.

He looked at me, his eyes wide open. ''Don't tell me you don't remember.''

I didn't know what to say, so I blankly stared back at him.

''Jesus Christ, I can't believe you don't even remember her!''

''Her?''

''Yes, her. Matilde.''

Matilde. Of course. The girl who slapped me at the party. The sign of her hand was still on my cheek. But she was also Matilde, the girl Andrea talked to me about. The girl whose number seemed to mean everything to him.

''You had a crush on her...'' I mumbled.

''Yes, I did. I still do,'' he said, "and you kissed her, after telling me that you didn't even know who she was!"

''I'm sorry, '' I whispered, ''I didn't know...''

Noemi was standing next to us, listening to the entire conversation. This was the second time I wished she wasn't there.

''That's not even the point.''

''I'm sorry...'' I repeated.

I was sorry. Much more than I wanted to admit. I wasn't supposed to kiss that girl in the first place. I don't know what I had on my mind. Maybe I was blinded by jealousy and was looking for a distraction, or maybe it was just the effect of drugs and alcohol. Or maybe it was just me. My choice, my responsibility.

Andrea puffed. ''Whatever,'' he said, ''you don't even know what friendship means. You never did.''

His words crushed me. They froze my blood and burned my eyes and left a little scratch on my pathetic heart. His words were cruel, but maybe they were true. I had never known how to be his friend. And I tried so hard, I really did. In elementary school, he was the only person who didn't laugh at my questions. Not because he didn't think they were stupid or irrelevant, but because his mum taught him not to laugh in class and because he knew what it meant to be made fun of, even though he never admitted it. And when he invited me over, simply because I was an outcast like him, I didn't interrupt him when he talked about dragons and comics and Pikachu's. He was boring to death, but he was the only friend I had. For awhile I thought that's what friendship was supposed to be.

Until Dario.

When he walked into my classroom, I finally found someone like me. No, not like me. Someone better. Someone who fit in, not because he wanted to but because he just did. And maybe a part of me wanted to be friends with someone like that, someone that everyone respected. I liked him because he didn't look at me like I was a lunatic, and he didn't laugh when my classmates did. He told them to shut up when they made fun of me and somehow they forgot why they were doing it in the first place. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him and he didn't even know how much that changed my life.

For awhile I admired him from distance and silently dreamed of being his best friend. Until one day I saw him outside school, crying and kicking his bleeding fists against the wall. We were all alone and I was petrified and I knew that I wasn't supposed to be there and I wasn't supposed to see that, but I did. So for the very first time in my life I clenched my jaw and I walked up to him and something came out of my mouth. I don't even remember what I said, although it should kind of matter since those were the first words that built our friendship. I knew that anyone else would walk away or tell the whole world that Dario Damonte was a psychopath. But I didn't. Because I was lonely and he was lonely and we both tried so hard to keep our loneliness a secret. And suddenly he wasn't Dario the cool guy that fits in, he was Dario the friend that understands. Suddenly it wasn't me and Andrea anymore. It was me and Dario against the entire world. And I liked it. Dario might have opened me a door to a world I didn't belong to, but if I had to be honest, I had never felt like I belonged anywhere.

''You were my only friend, you know?'' Andrea said with a broken voice. ''I trusted you, I always did. And you abandoned me, you left me behind. And after all of this, I was still ready to forgive you. I wanted to fix everything, to go back to the way it was, but you... ''

I shook my head. ''I'm sorry, Andre. I'm sorry I was a jerk. I'm sorry I never apologized and never cleared things up. I was a coward. That's the plain truth. But I... I don't think we should go back to the way it was, because... we're too different. I mean, we've always kind of been."

''Why?'' he said, ''because your junkie friend said so?''

''Don't call him that.''

''Why? Isn't that exactly who he is? Why do you keep defending him?''

''Because he's my best friend!''

He gulped, his eyes widening in surprise. Our loud voices melted into a violent silence. I didn't mean to put it like that, I didn't mean to say those words the way I said them. But it was too late now. He stared at me with pain in his eyes and I didn't know how to fix it.

''Your best friend," he whispered coldly. "The one that ditched you at 2 a.m.? Well, he must really care about you then. Why don't you go to him instead of bugging me?"

Then he just walked away, slamming the classroom door.

Noemi sighed, still standing there like a statue. I felt like I was losing my balance. My knees were shaking, my eyes burned. I couldn't breathe. I walked out of the classroom, with the energy of a volcano ready to explode. Everything seemed blurry, even Noemi's voice that called my name. I walked faster and faster and faster. When I finally got out of the building, the sun blinded my eyes. I bit my inner cheek, trying to fight back the tears. With shaky hands, I tried to light up a cigarette. But the flame couldn't fucking ignite. I tried and I tried and I failed each time. I couldn't feel my fingers anymore. I couldn't feel anything.

''Pit.''

I knew it was Noemi, but I didn't turn around to face her.

''Leave me alone,'' I whispered, ''please just leave me alone.''

I didn't want her to see me like this. She didn't say a word but she didn't leave either. She just stood there, patiently waiting for something. Minutes passed and I could still hear her breathing behind my back. Once I turned around, she looked at me with apprehension. There was no disappointment in her eyes now, only tenderness and kindness. And so I cried. I cried and she just looked at me and hugged me. She hugged me so tight I couldn't feel my bones. She forgave me and I forgave myself, and with her arms around me the world wasn't as heavy anymore.