A Loser & A Nerd || danisnotonfire

Chapter 18: An Idle Brain Is The Devil's Workshop

* THIS CHAPTER MAY COME OF AS TRIGGERING TO SOME
<And don't take any of Sierra's awfully depressing thoughts as true facts. You're all precious little marshmallow cuties and don't think otherwise k ~> *
*****

not okay:
Therapy-All Time Low
I'm not okay- My Chemical Romance
Adam's song-Blink 182
People are strange- The Doors
Tears of a clown-Iron Maiden
Teenage suicide- Unwritten Law

*****

My eyes fluttered open, everything a blur. The sun was shining in through the curtains that were drawn only halfway. The bed, for some reason, felt warmer than usual. The thick duvet was pulled onto my body almost perfectly, Dan lying ever so peacefully beside me.
Wait.
Rewind.

Dan Howell.
Sleeping.
Next to me.

Oh crap...
Did I... Seriously just sleep with... Dan?!
My eyes were practically falling out from my head, heart in full acceleration at the sight of Dan sleeping in bed beside me. His hair flopped to one side while his head rested on the plump pillow by my side. His face inches from mine.
I tried peeling my eyes from him but it was practically impossible. He had such rich dark brown hair that curled up at its ends so adorable. And his thick brown lashes that are practically sitting under his eyelid. Imagine that. He also has these tiny freckles on his face that looked as if little paint flecks had fell so perfectly onto his face.
It felt almost amazing having him breathing by my side, his head curled up so close to mine.
But what would that mean? I don't fancy Dan. I really don't.

And if I ever did, we all know what would happen next.

I creep out of bed steadily, heading towards the lounge. Neither Phil nor Dan (obviously) were awake yet and I personally wasn't feeling all that peckish so, I decided to wash up, change and cover up this beastly face.

I pick out my outfit from my luggage, black jeans and a band tee obviously. I decide on a white Mayday Parade shirt that Molly and I had bought off from the male's section at Hot Topic. It is blooming hot here today, despite it being only eight in the morning, so a sweater is an absolute no for now. I can just cover the slits on my wrist with my wristbands and bracelets right? No one's gonna notice anything.

*****

An idle brain is the devil's workshop.
How very true this saying is. With the two lazy arses still dozing off, I'm sat here alone to think. Last time this happened, I had another anxiety attack... Remember?
It's been a while since I thought of depressing thoughts because of this holiday. It's been taking my mind off things that I usually think of. Things that I usually poison my heart with.
For starters, eating.
It's been better. Really. It had always been because of those models in magazine. With their thin legs and tiny waist as they pose for cameras and magazine companies who are willing to throw their money at them in a flash. The girls in my school wanted to be them. Not like I was included in any of their conversations but I always listened in.
"Look at that stomach. God. I need to be her if I want to get Tony to start liking me."
"So what diet are you on because I've tried that swallow the cottonwool covered in sauce method. How bout you?"
"Look at that girl. Look at those fugly legs. No one likes a girl with cow legs like that. "
I heard it in casual conversations of guys too.
"If she had a tinier waist and less beefy arse legs I'd date her"
"C'mon. She's like a size extra small. She could do better."
"She's fit alright. But those legs would work better if she'd cut those fats out!"

It wasn't just their whisper and gossip amongst their friends. The words towards me of course affected my well being.

I started to stop basically. It was simple. Just don't eat breakfast. Or lunch. Or any snack or break or tea or dinner. That means, no food everyday and any day. I'd tell Mom that I would eat in school and I'd tell Delphine that I'd eat at home. Dinner was the hardest to avoid however. I gave the excuse that I wasn't hungry as I had eaten not long ago at times. Other times I gave it to the dog, hid the food in cupboards to let it rot or threw it all up after dinner. Mom only caught on when I kept fainting everyday in school. When I couldn't fit in any of my jeans because they became way too large. When my skin grew translucent and when I was only skin and bones.

I had to be hospitalised for days, weeks, even months. They asked if we wanted a whole individual room. I could stay there forever and take school there with all the other sick and dying teenagers. But we couldn't afford it anyway.

We worked it out now. I still get those days of starving for not eating. I mean, ever since Tom and I broke up, I have been starving myself often. Because why did he not like me anymore? Maybe it was as simple as my appearances.
I think this all as I stare at the bones of my body and the veins on my wrist and the size of my thighs in the mirror.

***

Second thought of this morning was depression.
This was a no brainer. Depression, self harm, suicide. It's all the same routine of my life. I'm hungry at this moment for a blade. Scary to think to some. But to me it's all part of these years and years of my life. I'm twenty already. And I've been always putting a metal to my arms and thighs for the past eight years. The doctors tried to help but nothing can help change this state of mind I'm in. What is there in life? Why do I live? I realised that I had stopped so many times. But not for long. It only lasted when I felt like life was good. Like I mattered or like the world was not so screwed up after all.

When I taught Delphine how to play the bass. When we went to watch Green Day live in concert. When Delphine hit a hundred thousand subscribers. When we went to our first cosplay event. When I went to Australia with Delphine and we met one of her YouTuber friends Troye. When Phil told me he was in love with Delphine. When Phil got into the university of his first choice. When we sang along to Blink 182 and The Beatles as loud as we could even though the neighbours complained. When Mom finally got rid of those old and awful men like Rick and Gert. When granddad and grandma moved into the family with us. When Mom found Trevor. When Trevor bought us a new apartment to live in. When I had a somewhat half brother Collin. When Shaylie came home for Christmas. When Skylar learnt how to ride a bike. When she asked me to teach her the guitar. When she fell in love for the first time. When she was brave enough to stick up for what was right and break up with her sexist boyfriend whom she thought she was in love with. When I realised my little sister isn't all that little anymore. When I fell in love with Tom. When we talked for hours and hours in the little blanket fort we made, the sound of David Bowie filling the room. When he said he loved me. When he held my hand and said "you're utterly beautiful" in the worst British accent possible. When we kissed.
Those were the moments in life when I felt most happy and loved. When life went so beautifully like a fairy tale. But they don't last all the time. These happy memories sometimes disappear. What happens to the friends that may leave or the family that's gone or the boy who you are in love with. What if he leaves you and breaks you.
What if you turn out into a tragic wreck.
And I know for a fact, I am a blubbering bloody train wreck.
You'd think you'd stop the self hate and the endless torture and pain you put yourself to but you don't. You just can't. What if hurting myself is helping myself.

***