Healing : A Roman Reigns Fan Fiction

chapter 15

Romans POV

We were now sitting in the obstetricians office waiting for him to read the results of the blood they had drawn. I looked over at Reagan and she looked so fragile, so completely broken already. I wasn't sure how much she could take going further. I had not helped matters much. I was being hard on her. I was angry with her for taking matters into her own hands and placing this impossible decision into our hands. If only she had talked to me earlier then maybe....I had to pull myself together. I had to stop blaming her for this and I had to make sure I was fully there for her no matter which of the impossible roads held our journey.

I had never told Doc but I was almost a father once before. My ex fiancé became pregnant but decided without telling me that my lifestyle just was not compatible with being a father. By the time I found out there was a baby there was no longer a baby. My heart ached for so long ... and now.. experiencing this... the ache is almost too much to bear. I reached over and just gently squeezed her hand. It was the first contact we had really had all day. She glanced back at me and tried to force a smile but she just could not make it happen. Her eyes were glassy from the tears she was trying to hold back and the tiniest of red curls had escaped from her loose ponytail. I let my mind wander just for a second to picture the child that might have been. Curly hair, would it be deep auburn like Reagans or coal black like mine? And would we ever know?

The Dr. returned and took a seat in front of us at his desk. "The lab results confirm that there are no longer any traces of lithium in your blood stream. "

"Is that a good thing?" My head was spinning so fast that I was not even sure of good or bad anymore.

"well it means that the possibility of any birth defects to the fetus due to the lithium is very minimal. But it also means that unless we act immediately your wife is at risk of relapse. I do not want to terrify either of you but we have to be completely honest. If Reagan begins to relapse it will be a very wild, very dangerous roller coaster ride you are on. She will experience very extreme highs and then shockingly low, lows. Once a patient slips into the lows and has a full on manic episode they can be a danger to themselves. Not only do we have to be concerned with your wife's personal safety, but the stress that all of this will put on her body and the developing fetus will be tremendous. We have to be concerned not only about whether we can carry your wife safely to her delivery date but whether we can deliver a healthy baby."

We both sat there in silence, neither of us able to process this. I had moved on from blaming Doc now to blaming myself. I brought up the idea of having babies. Had I pressured her into this?

"I know that the two of you have an impossible choice to make. I do not know if it will help you or hurt you even more but I have to ask. Before you make your decision would you like to hear the childs heartbeat?"

Reagan looked at me, her eyes pleading for me to make the decision she could not bear to make. I glanced at the Dr. and told him no with just my face. not able to choke back the emotion enough to form words anyway.

"well then I will leave you to talk for a few minutes. I will have the nurse check in on you in a little while to see how you have decided to proceed. I want you both to know that whatever the decision is this office will make sure you receive the best possible care and support for the duration of your time here."

The Dr. left and once we were alone Reagan could not fight off her tears anymore.

"This is all my fault. I did this...."

"No baby. Reagan baby listen to me. This is not your fault. Yes I wish you had talked to me about this first. The fact that you have put yourself in harms way is killing me. But it is not your fault that you are sick. I do not want you to ever think it is."

"I want you to divorce me Joe."

What? Never. Never in a million years would that ever happen. I protested immediately and almost told her that was the craziest idea I had ever heard. but I quickly scolded myself internally for the terrible choice of words.

"Oh no Doc. not happening. you are stuck with me for the rest of your life. I said for richer, for poorer, for sickness and in health and that's exactly how its going to be. I am not leaving you just because things are not easy right now."

Her tears were falling so hard now and my already fractured heart was just tearing into pieces. "will they ever be easy? No matter what we do Joe, things are never going to be easy again. Things are never going to be happy again. This day, this date is either going to be the date that our child dies or its going to be the date that your wife ...I do not want to let our baby go. I love this child so much already. But I am scared. I am scared of the darkness, that pain. I felt that before and it was so horrible. I hurt so much that I wanted to die. I lost my mind Joe... I literally was losing my mind. I don't know how but by the grace of God I survived that and I crawled through the tunnels of hell and made it out the other side. I am not sure I can do that again."

"You don't have to baby. I don't want you to ever go through that pain."

"So what are you saying Joe? Do you think we should terminate the pregnancy?"

It was an impossible choice. I was literally being forced to choose between my wife and my child.. and God help me I was selfish. I wanted them both.

I couldn't control the tears anymore. they began flowing down my cheeks and the guttural sobs were coming out as well. I took her into my arms and we just held each other, and cried and prayed. She asked me to take her hand and pray with her for the guidance. A while later the nurse came in and asked us if we had decided what we wanted to do.

We had.