Lost | C.H. Fanfic | Complete

Chapter 22

I know I said I'd do a double update but the WiFi cut out,  sorry :(
Anyways...I'm working on the next chapter so it'll probably be done by later today or tomorrow.

"Uh yeah, what did you hear?" He said, suddenly nervous, and by then, I already knew that he had said those things. But what he was gonna do was what I wanted to know. And it would also be great if I knew what the hell I was gonna do.

I took a deep breath. "Well I um...I think you thought I was asleep..." I started awkwardly. How do I tell him this?

"You heard me?" He asked but it came out like more of a statement. I nodded. Well this is happening then.

"What did you hear?" He asked warily. "You were talking about how you would always be there for me and that it was killing you seeing me hurt myself. And you said-" I told him, stopping before I could tell him the thing that mattered most to me.

I could see the nervousness on his face. I took another deep breath. Here goes nothing. "You said you liked me" I blurted. His face fell.

"Oh God, you weren't supposed to hear that..." he mumbled, looking embarrassed. "I'm so sorry...did I ruin the friendship?" He asked, looking sad.

"No, of course you didn't ruin it..." I told him. "I just...it's complicated" I said, shaking my head as I looked down.

"Jessica I can tell you have something to say" he said pointedly. I sighed in defeat. Yeah, that I like you a lot and I want this relationship really badly but I know it can't happen. But I didn't tell him that.

"Calum I really do like you. And your friendship has seriously saved me but..." I started slowly.

"Calum I'm sorry...I'm not really good at this" I admitted, looking embarrassed. "Not good at what?" He asked.

"Explaining my feelings" I admitted. "I just..." I said, trailing off. "Its okay. I shouldn't have even thought of a relationship with you after everything youve been through. I understand" he said. I felt the prick of tears forming in my eyes at that statement. Why does he have to be so understanding and sweet?

I shook my head. "Its not your fault Calum...All my friendships have ended badly and its always my fault. And I don't want that to happen with us. I'm sorry. You don't deserve me" I said, looking down so he couldn't see the tears fall.

"Jessica" he said gently. "Don't blame yourself for this too. You're going through a lot, it's perfectly okay" he pointed out. "Thanks Calum" I smiled, looking up.

"Its okay" he said with a smile, but unlike everytime he smiled, it didn't reach his eyes this time. I could see the dissapointment, even behind his smile.

Just then, Luke woke up and made his way to where Calum and I were sitting. "Morning" he said with an awkward smile.

"What did I miss?" He said with a yawn. "Nothing" me and Calum said at the same time. "My back is killing me" Luke complained.

"Its probably because you slept in the same position all night" I pointed out. He shrugged. "Wait, did you sleep here last night?" Luke asked Calum suspiciously. "Uh yeah, I fell asleep here" Calum said awkwardly. "So you slept on the same matress as Jessica?" Luke asked with a smirk. "Shut up Luke" I said, throwing a pillow at him.

"That was a big mistake" Luke said with a laugh. "What do yo-" I started but I was interuppted by a pillow flying into my face. "Oh it's on" I said with a challenging stare, a smile on my lips. "Calum, back me up on this one" Luke pleaded. "Well I would but I have a feeling being on Jessica's team is gonna be more fun" he laughed before hitting Luke in the head with a pillow. And just like that, there was an all-out pillow fight going on that ended with us all in a fit of giggles.

"Loser" I mumbled under my breath just loud enough for Luke to hear. "Whatever" he mumbled with a laugh. "That was fun" I said, trying to catch my breath. The boys agreed. "Hey Cal, I'm starving, where's the breakfast?" Luke said. "My mom left early for the airport this morning if you're wondering if she's gonna cook for you" Calum said. "That sucks" Luke said. "Youre quite capable of pouring cereal into a bowl" Calum pointed out.

"Anyways...I see the rain still hasn't stopped" I observed as I looked through the window, tearing the boys from their mini fight. "Hey, have you tried phoning your aunt and uncle?" Calum suggested.

"Their phones are dead, I tried last night" I said. "Aunt and uncle?" Luke asked, raising his eyebrow in confusion. He still thinks we moved here for my parents' work. He doesn't know they're dead...
And I don't think I can bear to tell the story again. Once is painful enough.

"Yeah, I live with them..." I started uncomfortably. "I thought you moved here with your parents?" He said, looking confused.

"About that..." I said. "I lied" I carried on. "What do you mean?" He asked, still looking confused. "Ok, let me start from the beginning..." I said before I launched into the long explanation that I'd told Calum the previous night. Luke stayed silent the whole time and once I was finished, he said, "I'm so sorry Jessica..." with a sad expression on his face.

I was surprised. I didn't expect him to understand. But then again, Calum didn't react badly either. Maybe these guys really were my friends.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom quick" I said before getting up and going into the bathroom. I stared at my reflection.

I put my hands on the sink, holding tight until my knuckles turned white. It was years ago Jessica, get over it I told myself. I stared at my reflection for a few more seconds before looking away and splashing water on my face.

As I searched for a towel, I came across a razor. The blade almost called out to me. Just a few cuts, no one will ever know. Not that they care it taunted me. No I thought. I put it back down where I'd found it, not even remembering picking it up in the first place.

But that little voice was right. Just a few cuts, no one would notice. And then it happened. All over again. I pulled the blade across my skin until it formed a red, oozing line. It was as if I was in a trance, the blade controlling my hand instead of my hand controlling it. Wait, what am I doing!? I thought. No, no, no. I can't do this. For Calum. But that was a bit too late. Four cuts ran along my arm.

I set the blade down and rinsed my cuts under the tap. I pressed a towel against them until the bleeding had almost stopped. I opened the bathroom door and made my way to the lounge. "Uh, Calum...I sort of have a situation..." I said, showing him my cuts.