Water and Fire

Chapter 4

She shivered, hiding in her jacket that could barely protect her against the cold. The moon was lightening up the campus, but everything was quiet. People were at parties, in their houses, in the library. 

"How am I supposed to guide a girl that doesn't want to be guided?", Lena whispered, talking to herself out loud now no one could hear her. "And how do I know what I should let her do and where I should draw the line?", she raised her voice a little and bent her head, staring at her feet touching the ground. 

"Who are you talking about?" 

Lena looked up when she heard Brian.

He had his hands in the pockets of his jacket and the double tongue he had had a few minutes ago seemed to have disappeared.

Lena didn't want to answer his question. If she would answer, she would have to tell him the truth and that was the last thing she could do.

"I was just talking to myself", she eventually said. That wasn't a lie. She had been talking to herself. She just couldn't tell him who she was talking about.

"There are thousands of people on this campus and you decide to talk to you", Brian teased her and she felt his arm touching hers for a moment. "You're a little weird, don't you think?" He turned his face towards her and she stood still. 

All her life she had been prepared for missions like this. She knew everything about the earth, about humans, about their likes and dislikes, about their fears and worries. But no one had told her that becoming friends with them, meant becoming like them, meant turning into someone she wasn't and had never been. She was a straight A student. She was an angel. She was perfect. And she was downright boring. At least in this world she was and maybe she even was in her own.

"Boring, weird...." Lena shrugged her shoulders and she bit her lip. Her eyes were burning and she didn't know why. "An utter disappointment." 

Maria was at the party, drunk, kissing, doing who knew what. If something would happen to her, it would be Lena's responsibility. 

But she couldn't turn around and go back. It was clear that no one at that party wanted to be friends with someone like her. She had to come up with a different tactic. She just needed time to figure out what that would be.

"Hey, you don't have that last part from me." Brian forced himself to smile, but Lena shook her head and looked up at the moon to calm her eyes down. 

She had read about crying and how it felt and when it happened. As an angel she had never cried before. She never had a reason to. She didn't want her first time crying to be with Brian.

"No...", she hesitated, "I should have gone to the library to do my reading", she whispered and finally started walking again.

Although she had expected him to let her go, he followed her, his steps quickly catching up with hers. 

"Are you blaming me for talking you into something you didn't really want to?" He sounded as if he felt a little guilty and Lena couldn't help smiling a little.

Of course she didn't blame him. She had been the one saying yes, she had been the one giving in when they had convinced her to go. She could have said no, but she had not done so. If there was someone to blame for this party and for everything that would happen after it, it would be Lena herself. Not Brian. And for sure not Maria.

"I'm not blaming anyone." Lena slowed down and she saw how Brian did the same. "I'm just a horrible student." She rolled her eyes and Brian's laugh echoed all around her. 

"That depends on your definition of student." He winked at her and he grabbed her arm to force her to stand still completely. "You're probably an excellent student. You'll be the one who's prepared when she walks into a class. You'll be getting straight A's on every paper and every test." He paused for a moment and he turned her a little so she was forced to look at him. "But being a student is more than grades and classes and books." He spoke softly and he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

It made Lena uncomfortable. She was all alone, with a boy she barely knew, in a world she didn't understand. 

He was standing in front of her, his chest almost touching hers, his eyes staring at her, his hand touching her hair and her shoulders. 

"I don't want to ruin my future", answered Lena. It was another not lie. Except that this wasn't about her messing up, about her not getting great grades and getting through college without scandals. But, if Maria wouldn't get through all of this, Lena's career would probably end here too. It would for sure end here too, since this was supposed to be an easy mission.

"Define ruin?" Brian cocked his head a little and he moved a few inches closer.

Lena stopped shivering now he was this close. "Scandals that will haunt me forever, stupid decisions I can never make up for, grades I can never improve again." While she was saying the words she didn't look at him once. Although it wasn't a full lie, it was the closest thing she had ever come to not telling the truth about anything. Even without studying she would get those high grades. She already knew everything. She had already read all the books. She would pass those test and essays without even trying.

"Damn, it sounds your life is already ruined", replied Brian. He placed his hands on her shoulders and he looked up at the stars and the moon above him. "Boring, weird..." He repeated the words he had already used to describe her. "Life is not about grades." He raised his eyebrows a little. "And I've always learned that everything can be forgiven and made up for." He paused for a moment. "Apart from one thing. If you forget to live, you can never make up for that." He pressed a soft kiss on her forehead and Lena did a step back, creating some distance between them.

"So this is living?" She raised her voice a little and pointed at the house, that was now barely a spot at the horizon, on the other end of the campus. "Alcohol, drugs, smoking." She took a deep breath. "Losing your mind, forgetting what you've done last night, waking up sick and with a headache." She shook her head. "Fogging your brain and destroying your body."

Brian frowned his eyebrows and then he started laughing. He hid his hands in the pockets of his jacket again, while he stared at Lena as if she was the strangest person he had ever met.
She probably was, which made all of this even worse.

"I wasn't talking about the drugs and the alcohol." He shook his head and he bent it, still smiling that annoyingly amused smile. "Although it's hard to believe that someone isn't interested in that stuff at all." He took a cigarette and a lighter and the next moment he was blowing smoke in her direction. "That brain fog, as you seem to call it, can help with the other part of actually being alive." He brought the cigarette to his mouth again before he turned around, clearly walking back to the party.

"Brian!" She yelled his name and he turned his face towards her while he kept on walking. "What other part of actually living?" Lena swallowed and she saw how Brian smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

"You can figure that out yourself and you can come to me when you've found the answer." He started to walk faster and before Lena could say another thing he was out of sight. 

She knew that she had to do this on her own. She had to find a way to fit in, to mingle, to live this life and to do what she came for. But right now, she would give a lot to talk to her parents, to ask them what to do, how to live a life that wasn't hers to live. If only she could unfold her wings and could fly home for the night. But she couldn't. Going back to heaven, meant ending her mission and ending it right now, after only a few days, would mean that she had failed. And she wouldn't give up this easily. She would find a way to make it work. After all, she was here to learn, to grow, to become a better angel.

And she shouldn't forget that she didn't need to turn Maria into something she was not. She shouldn't become like Lena. She should live her own life. And she could even make some mistakes. As long as it were small ones.