Till Sunset Do Us Part

Chapter 18 ~ Kiss Me Kill Me

As you could believe the start of February meant Valentine's everything. And Valentine's Day at school was almost the worst. It hurt bad to see everyone getting the school-sold flowers. But it wasn't like he was there. He was absent the last part of that semester. I was somewhat relieved, but heartbroken at the same time. It was hard to know that I'd never be able to see him again. I was sure that he was gone for good; that he moved to another state when he left Rochelle's house. I was so sure, until the first day of second semester - the 28th of February. That Friday was the day before my birthday, and I still had no idea what my great aunt was talking about. It was mind bobbling. Being depressed didn't help much either.

But seeing him brought a whole new meaning to "depressed". I left early that day, claiming to be sick. The nurse let me go, seeing the desperate need: one she couldn't have fully understood. I didn't go home though. Instead, I drove up and down Anderson before work. It was the only way I could walk away without getting caught.

That night, I looked back and forth from wall to wall slowly, still trying to decipher that feeling from before. I could still see it: his battery blue eyes watching my every move, his hair an attractive, windblown mess, his pale face filled with a heart-wrenching apology. It was all so overwhelming. But at the time, all I could do was look away and strain myself. Finally, in my room, I could let go of the breath, let the tears run wild, and allow my heart to sink and want to forgive him. I knew I couldn't. I knew I'd just fall again. I was his toy. A game until he decided I was boring. I tried over and over again to put on a smile for everyone, but there was no hiding it from myself. I knew the truth - I couldn't listen to music, I couldn't watch movies, I couldn't even sleep in my own bed because I was afraid of the memories. Avoiding all of that, I thought I was okay.

But seeing him again that day tore open old wounds. I slightly shook my head as the tears dripped from under my chin. How could I be so stupid?! I thought to myself. Why the hell did I let myself fall like that? That was when I decided that it wasn't his fault, it was mine. I let him in, believed his lies, trusted him, and let him tear me up inside. I did that. I let him.

Finally, my mind gave in. I stopped think rationally. The only thing coming from my mind was: this is all you fault! Why did you do this to yourself?! Before I knew it, I'd slammed my bathroom door behind me, and found the boot knife I confiscated from Trent. I looked at myself in the mirror: my hair was in a small mess, my eyes were blood-shot, and cheeks were red. I looked hopeless. I looked at the blade and wondered what people would think. What he would think. I walked away from the sad reflection, feeling hatred towards it. Then I fell to the floor, fearing the thoughts that were bound to cross my mind. I looked at the blade one last time.

"An apology." I whispered. I closed my eyes, held my breath and clutched the knife in my left hand. One, two, there. I thought to myself before swiping the blade hard against my wrist. I felt a small sting. I opened my eyes to see just a red mark right above my tattoo. I clenched my jaw and reassumed the position, mad now. This time, I slashed harder as I stared at the blade. And this time, it worked. Blood piled along the clean, straight line as I dropped the knife and grasped my wrist. More tears poured down my face as I allowed my breath to slowly release. But instead of feeling complete idiocy, I felt a burden lifted from my shoulders.

I smiled through the tears, somehow enjoying the pain. "You deserved it." I felt possessed for another moment, then completely nothing. I didn't feel better, I didn't feel worse. I felt like I did before. I lifted my hands to find them both covered in blood. I forced myself up and turned on the faucet with my elbow. After rinsing away the blood from both my wrist and my hand, I reached for the gauze on the shelf. I wrapped it around the wound and taped it off. I glanced at myself in the mirror seeing nothing changed.