Hush Hush-Joshaya

Part 25

To say Maya was pissed with her doctor would be an understatement.One of the conditions she had when she agreed to finally speak to her was to under no circumstance bring up Riley,Lucas,Farkle and the one at the top of the list,Joshua.Maya didn't want an even bigger reminder of how messed up she had gotten during that period of time. The only thing that ever ran through her mind anyway was Joshua Matthews and how when she was well and out of rehab she would hope for the best that he had waited for her and she could make up for all the shit she pulled infront of him.
"Maya?We need to talk about this at some point.We have already discussed how you wanted to be free but what we haven't gotten to yet is why.I was thinking that maybe if you spoke at him and the rest then we could get to the bottom of this.......You ccould get out sooner and maybe even be able to finish high school and graduate."

Fuck it.There wasn't a lower level Maya could fall to so she may as well just add to her idiocy and write a heart felt letter to the love of her life telling him to wait for her.
"Give me a pen."
"And paper."
Maya unlocked her door and grimaced at the doctor before watching her walk and come back with a pad and pen.
"Write it all Maya......Trust me it will help."
Trust.Such an over used word.

Dear Joshua Gabriel Matthews and family,
I fucked up big time didn't I?No need to answer that I already know how bad I am.I screwed up my career and my family.Myself.But most importantly I screwed up you and I,Josh.We could have been something together couldn't we?It is all my fault,I think you already know that though.I don't know how to apologise,obviously the words 'I'm sorry' come to mind but they aren't enough.Nothing is enough to repay you.You let me into yourself and I just messed with you and all of your family's emotions.For that I am forever,truly in all of your debts.

Rehab is fixing me slowly.I have already completed the first 3 steps.1 is admitting.2 is realisation.3 is staying sober.Step 4 is harder though.It's forgiveness.I have to forgive myself for the way I treated you and I can't because I kmow that I hurt you and just thinking that you are hurt because of something I have done makes me want to.......I don't know.......It makes me want to end it all.I haven't drank or smoked since I got here,2 months sober next week.It still is painful to resist the urge to give in but I want to try and succeed for you.I am hoping to complete the rest of my steps soon and get out of this place before April.If I can then I will still be able to graduate high school.I don't know why I am telling you this though.You more than likely have moved on and gotten over the bomb that is me.I wouldn't blame you if you have.

I just wanted to tell you all that I am so very very sorry for the pain I put you all through.I hope to apologise to you all in person soon and I hope that you all accept it.I know it will be al hard but I want you to hear me out.Hope is for suckers though.I definitely know that.Maybe this once I will hope for something.I hope for you Joshua Gabriel Matthews.I hope for Riley and Farkle and Lucas.

Happy birthday Joshua.I will always love you with every inch of my heart.I hope you will be able to accept me.I am changing for you.I want to become the old me or better yet a cleaner version of myself.I am so sorry for everything.
Just know that I love you.
And that I am forgiving myself.
Yours truly,
Maya penelope Hart xxx.

Maya wiped away her last tears before writing on the front of the envelope and giving it to her doctor.
"You can read it............Thankyou.......I think I am forgiving myself.What is the last step going to be?"
Maya looked hopefully at her doctor.
"Ah the last step is one no one sees coming.It's the surprise step that you stumble upon.Don't worry it will more than likely come soon..........Just so you know......It may come in some form of grief.......but for everyone it is different ofcourse."
Maya stared questioningly at her doctor.It didn't seem to good.The word grief scared off Maya.
"Get some sleep Maya.You look worn out."
With that the doctor left Maya alone.
Maya stared at herself in the mirror and spoke just four words.
'I forgive you Maya'

I think there will probably only be one more chapter after this maybe two at the most.
That is all,I will now go back to writing the next chapter.
Megan