Illegal Love~ Newtmas

Phobia

Chapter 19
Newts pov
Walking into school today is worse then my first day of school here. They aren't looking at me cause they don't know me, they are looking cause they know something about me.

Thomas squeezes me hand reassuringly. I hear people say rude comments about us. Some about the fact I'm gay, some that I'm dating my "brother" as they say. I don't see the bad of it; that may just be because I'm in love with Thomas. No, no, there is nothing wrong with it. It's not like our parents are engaged or something, and we are in no way shape or form blood related- I just don't see the wrong.

Some people stick up for us and that makes me feel a lot better. I hear people telling their friends it isn't any of there business, or it could just be rumours, some even come up to us and tell us how cute we are. Maybe this won't be so bad?

Or maybe It will. The next person that approaches us is the last person I hoped to see.

"Look, it's gay and gayer. You guys are lucky to have a brother the same age so you can fuck each other. I would love a sister my age." Gally snarks.

"Gally just leave us alone." Thomas argues back.

I'd say Thomas and Gally are the two most popular guys in the school; but for different reasons. Gally is the jerk that every girl wants but he will just cheat on you. Thomas is the nice guy that everyone loves. He makes everyone laugh, he's pretty smart, he's just a loveable guy.

"Relax, I was just gonna help you guys find the janitors closet to get a little fuck in before class." At that statement, Thomas punches him square across the face.

"I said leave us alone." Thomas says and then pulls me away. I can't help to look back and see Gally watching us walk away. He's holding his bloody face and he looks mad. Shit.

Thomas walks me to my home room, gives me a kiss and then heads to his home room.

______

It's lunch now and me and Thomas are walking to the cafeteria hand in hand.

"Newt!" I hear. I turn around to see Lydia jogging to catch up to us.

"You go ahead Tommy, we'll come and join you."

"You sure?" He asks.

"I'm sure. Go to our regular table." I say leaning in and giving him a kiss. He hesitates be eventually walks into the cafeteria.

"Hey sorry for the whole truth or dare thing...." She says it slow likes she doesn't know if I want to hear it or not.

"Wait. How do you know?" I know everyone knows me and Thomas are "brothers" but I didn't think they knew it came out in a game of truth or dare.

"I was there Newt." She sighs.

"You were! What? I didn't see you?"

"Well I wasn't really playing, I was kinda watching from a far distance. Far, far distance. Its not like I am cool enough to play a game with all the populars." Wow she must really hate all them... Wait. Thomas, Minho, Maya, Cara, Issac, that's who she's talking about. There is others too, but they are the popular ones of the school.

"Lydia, If I new you were there I would have got you to play with us."

"It's not like it was a long, or fun game. All the populars do is cause drama."

"Not all them do. Sure Claire and her group, but Thomas and his friends would never."

"You've been here a whole 2 minutes Newt. You don't know shit." She snaps. When she realizes what she said she immediately goes back to my normal sweet best friend and apologizes for her snapping.

"I'm sorry, it's just they have never really made a effort to talk to me, it makes me think like that I guess."

"It's fine. You are gonna come eat lunch with us today." Before she has time to protest I pull her away.

I drag her to our table and when I get there I can see the awkwardness. I forgot about them witnessing the truth or dare game. Minho looks more mad then anything. I never meant to come between them.

"Guys this is Lydia."

"Oh is that your sister too?" Minho growls.

"No she's actually not." I reply hurt by Minho's harsh words to me, I thought he liked me.

"Oh that's good, at least she's your cousin so your not fucking two of your own siblings"

Ouch.

"Minho that's enough!" Thomas shouts standing up.

"I love Newt. I love him so freaking much. I'm sorry I didn't tell you his mom and my dad are dating but I can't change that now! All I can do is apologize and I've done that a million times so you either accept me and Newt or you don't, but I love him and that's not gonna change."

"The problem isn't me not accepting your relationship, if you were really my best friend you would know that's not the problem! My problem is you continuously keep choosing Newt over your best friend. You haven't had me over since Newt has got here, I'm suppose to be your best friend not him!" Minho screams and then walks away leaving the cafeteria.

I look around and see that everybody is watching us. I feel like I'm in a see through box and they are all just watching me and I can't move. My hands start to shake and I can't catch my breath.

This is what happens to me; this is what anxiety does to me. It puts these thoughts into my head that just eat me alive. It's like I'm drowning but I can see everyone else breathing fine. My anxiety has gotten so bad that sometimes I'm too scared to open doors, to scared to open my locker. It's killing me.

I'm also depressed. I'm depressed and no one knows it. No one knows that I cut my arms, that hundreds of scars cover my body, and that sometimes suicide is the only thing I think about. They don't know I have written hundreds of drafts of my suicide letter and that they all lay in my garbage can. Thomas doesn't know, my mom doesn't know- no one does.

Those are just 2 of the million things wrong with me though.

I also have atelophobia which is the fear of not doing something right or never being good enough.

acrophobia- fear of heights.

monophobia- fear of being alone.

cherophobia- fear of being happy because something bad will happen.

philophobia- fear of love

There's so many things wrong with me I lost count.

"NEWT!" Thomas screamed.

I look back to see I'm halfway up the road leading away from the school; I must have run out of the cafeteria. That's another thing, when I get panic attacks I get these blackouts and sometimes I go places without realizing it, sometimes they last 5 minutes. Thomas is running after me but I just don't want to be with him right now, so I keep running. And the next time I look back;
Thomas was walking back to the school.

A/N I know I never really said anything about Newt being depressed and suicidal before and he always seemed happy but that's because in wanted to show how sometimes the happiest looking people are the saddest. Plus I just never wanted to right the depressing stuff, until today:/

Anyway comment, vote, share, whatever. Love you shanks💞