My journey to sexual purity. X

True intimacy. X

I didn't turn to pornography/ masturbation because I was some sick pervert...I turned to those things because I was lonely and longed for intimacy. Although it was always a temporary and cheap fix, it made me feel good in the moment...which is why I consistently turned to it...despite how disgusting and guilty I felt afterwards.  

Throughout school, starting in 8th grade I guess, I saw that all my friends were beginning to really become romantically interested in guys. I also saw that while the majority of my friends were in relationships, or about to be...I wasn't. It seemed like all of my friends and so many people around me were being pursued; everyone except me. Beyond that, they all seemed so much happier with a boy in their life. There was just something about the idea of someone being interested in me, and wanting to know and connect with me that really appealed to me. 

I wanted to be known by someone. I wanted to connect with someone. I wanted to be happy. Therefore I wanted, no needed a boy in my life. Unfortunately for me guys just weren't interested. I wondered what it was. I wondered why guys weren't into me. There were an array of ideas that crossed my mind, but the leading one was that I was simply too unattractive. Guys didn't like me because I was too ugly. So as I got older, maybe around age 16 I tried to "fix" myself. 

 I was very unsatisfied with my face, but that was something that I couldn't change. So I started working on something that I could change; my body. I remember skipping meals, hardly eating, and sometimes not eating at all. I was 5'5ish, 112 lbs, and still not good enough. I remember getting up early in the morning to do sit ups and various leg exercises so that I could have a flat tummy and thinner thighs.

Despite my measurements I was never satisfied, and to top it off I hated my face so much. It got to the point where I couldn't even look in the mirror without crying. Whenever I'd go into the bathroom I made a conscious effort to keep my eyes glued to the floor, and avoid all eye contact with the mirror. When I came out of the bathroom I made a conscious effort to completely focus on washing my hands, and not checking myself in the mirror. 

But one day I slipped up. I was in my bathroom washing my hands, and after I did I accidentally glanced in the mirror. I stared at myself because I couldn't believe how ugly I was. I remember staring in the mirror as I watched my eyes water. I ran into my bed, and cried. I would google pictures of gorgeous women, and get so mad at God for making me ugly. I felt so insecure, and hated going in public. I didn't even want to leave my room. I felt so embarassed and ashamed of my face, so I tried my hardest to avoid showing it. Whenever I didn't have school, I quarantined myself in my room. 

I felt lonely, unattractive, and rejected. To get these feelings to go away I started to heavily rely on romance novels. This heavy reliance started in 8th grade, but as my self esteem and lonliness became more extreme, so did my romance novels. I slowly started reading more and more graphic novels. Back then I thought I was just a pervert, but now I see that I was simply seeking intimacy. To me relationships were equivalent to intimacy; something I desperately longed for, and in the world of fantasy I could have those things. At the time boys were the only true way to experience true intimacy. In real life I couldn't get a guy, but in the world of romance novels I kind of could. It was a sloppy second, and a temporary fix, but a fix nonetheless. 

I would spend hours in these novels, and to a certain extend living the "reality" I always longed for. When I'd return to the real world I'd feel dissatisfied with my life. The dissatisfaction that I felt only made me run to my novels even more. 

Two, almost three years later I see how messed up I was. For so long I thought I was just some desperate horny girl, but now I realize that was not the case. I turned to those things because I was desperately seeking intimacy. Having a boy in my life seemed like the ultimate token to the intimacy I longed for. Seeing that I couldn't get a guy in real life I turned to the next best thing; romance novels, and porn/masturbation to serve as a sloppy second that I could use to get my intimacy needs met. 

Today, I know that longing for intimacy is perfectly normal. In fact, to not long for some form of intimacy is rather abnormal. There's nothing wrong with longing to feel intimacy, the problem comes when you don't get those needs met in an appropriate manner. A boy is not the key to true intimacy, only God can truly complete me in that way. 

I was using the wrong thing to get my intimacy needs met. When I'd stop and cut myself off from the novels I'd find myself running back to them later. The reason I couldn't fully quit wasn't because my prayers and/or love for God weren't legitimate, but because I hadn't found a replacement. Those novels were getting my intimacy needs met, but when I stopped myself from reading them I found that my need for intimacy was still there...which ended up bringing me back to the only fix I knew; graphic novels/masturbation. I went through cycles of being clean, but would end back where I started because I wasn't getting to the root of the problem; my need for intimacy.

If you're dependent on something to get a certain need met, then you can't just cut it off without having something else to replace it. Because if you do, you'll just run back to whatever use to satisfy those needs. 

Today I lean on Jesus to get my intimacy needs met, and I've allowed Him to be my replacement.  True intimacy comes from spending time with the Lord. Only He truly, and fully satisfies; not boys, steamy novels, masturbation, or porn.  

Much love, and God bless. 

- LB xx