My journey to sexual purity. X

Cold Turkey

I called this chapter "Cold Turkey" because it was around Thanksgiving at the time xD I started writing this much later than I anticipated, but I think it still works lol :P Enjoy! (:

For a while I tried to justify my masturbation and pornography problem. Even though the Bible indirectly, but yet directly speaks against it, I constantly tried to find loopholes and work around it. I remember googling "Is masturbation wrong?", and getting two very different responses. Many said it was a natural phase for a hormone raging teen girl, others looked at it from a Biblical standpoint...so naturally I looked the other way. I read over those responses and only read into the ones that were convenient for me... But one day I couldn't. I couldn't keep rationalizing and finding loopholes. I felt super convicted, and I just couldn't shake the feeling. So I told myself I was going to quit; cold turkey. Just like that *snaps finger*. 

What I noticed was that despite my best intentions I couldn't. I couldn't just quit cold turkey. I'd go through cycles of being "good" and "bad". I'd go for a week or so of not looking at porn or masturbating, but then I'd slip up and fail for a few days. I'd feel so awful, like a true failure. I promised God that I was going to quit, but once again I messed up and failed Him.

Everytime I messed up I felt so dirty. Too dirty to read my Bible, pray, or go to church. I was a screw up, and I didn't deserve to be able to do those things. I was sure God didn't want me praying to Him, or worshipping Him, or getting into His word...because I was a dirty sinner. The concept of God willingly forgiving me without any hard feelings or expecting anything in return was foreign to me. It was unnatural and just plain wrong. I messed up and therefore should suffer...but God didn't do that so I starting cutting myself off from God. I didn't deserve to be with Him; not until I got my life together. By distancing myself from God it was almost as if I was punishing myself in order to compensate for, and make up for my shortcomings.  I remember feeling as if I had to wait weeks to get back on good terms with God. Then, after those weeks passed I'd finally be able to truly pray, worship, and get into His word again. To me it was so inappropriate to look at porn and masturabate one day, and then go to church the next day. I couldn't take being there! I didn't deserve to be there. I was a dirty sinner. Only clean people are allowed in church, and besides, I'm sure Jesus didn't want some wretch like me in His church and His word, and praying to Him.My prayers probably wouldn't even make it to Heaven, or even worse: He's ignore them. I felt too dirty to interact with God at all. I remember legitimately doing loads of volunteer work, and going to worship sessions, and church camps, and making myself cry my eyes out...in attempts to win God's love back, get back on His good side, and finally be able to be with Him again. I'd do this for weeks, because I felt that it cleaned me up, made God less mad, and enabled me to come back to Him. 

I'm so glad that I can say that I've never been more wrong in my entire life. When we mess up God is quick to forgive. The second we ask Him He instantly forgives us. We don't have to wait weeks and do extra things to win God's love back. You can't win back what you never lost. He never stopped loving us in the first place. No matter how bad we mess up, or how often we mess up, He still loves us just as much as before. Jesus loves you just as much on your darkest day as He does on your best day. Jesus is madly in love with you, and there is NOTHING that you could ever do that could change that. He already knows how many times you're going to fail...and with that in mind He still CHOSE to die on the cross for you...and as if it can't get any better, He did all of this so that He could be with you. The creator of the universe wanted to be with you so badly that even with the knowledge of all the mistakes you were going to make He still to willingly chose to die on the cross so that He could be with you. If that's not love, then I don't know what is. 

Jesus is love; not guilt, or shame. When we mess up God doesn't want us to run away from Him. He wants us to run into His lap of forgiveness, and be close to Him. However, the enemy is aware of this and doesn't want us anywhere near God; and that's when the feelings of guilt and shame come in. Know that when you mess up and want to turn from God that that's the enemy, and you need to do the opposite and run towards God. I know it's hard, but you have to know that this is what Jesus came for. I'm not saying to just go out and purposely sin because you know God will forgive you. What I'm saying is to not beat yourself up over it, because Jesus already did that on your behalf on the cross. It's ok to fall, just ask for forgiveness, know that you're forgiven on the spot, and then just keep moving forward and giving it your best. (:

If we were all perfect we wouldn't need a savior. It's ok to be imperfect. We're the ones Christ came for, so go to Him and don't let His death be for nothing.

This chapter didn't quite go where I wanted it to, but it's still a great chapter nonetheless. I'm sure it'll be a blessing to atleast one person. Leave any comments, and or questions in the comment section/ send me a message. Much love, God bless. X

- LB Xx