PHAN -Save me, please.

Chapter 23

"She's a friend that I made here in MIR. We met in the cafeteria once and since then we keep writing each other." Dan answered.

"That's cool! I'm glad that you're making contact with others! Why is she here?" Phil asked.

"The same reason that I am. Depression, suicide, and so on." Dan mumbled, still not able to really say these words out loud.

An awkward silence fell between these too. Dan was silent because the ugly thoughts came, how it felt when having depression. The weird mixture between exhaustion, anxiety and panic. Phil was silent because he didn't see that coming, he didn't expect their little talk to take such a turn.

"Hey, I have something here for you." Phil said cheerily, opening the little plastic bag that he had brought. He packed out a bunch of candles, all in different sizes, shapes and colours.  "You know, I thought since it is nearly Christmas and your room looks a little sad I thought I'd bring some Christmas spirit in!" he smiled.

Dan stared at the candles in Phil's hand. Phil was so happy to brighten up Dan's room and to make him a little gift, but Dan surely wasn't happy. Some really dark thoughts pushed back into his mind when he saw the candles. He remembered when he used to be with Luke, who would always light candles when they were together. It just remembered Dan of darker times, and he surely didn't want to think about those now. Well, if this would've been the only reason...

"No thanks." Dan declined.

"Why? I mean candles are great you know, I even have different scents..." Phil started.

"I DON'T WANT THESE!" Dan interrupted Phil rudely.

Phil looked up at Dan, completely taken off guard. What was wrong? Did Phil do something? Or does Dan just don't like candles? But no one would act that way just because Phil brought candles...

"I'm sorry." Dan and Phil said at the same time.

"What are you sorry for?" Phil asked curiously.

"I shouldn't have screamed at you." Dan answered with regret in his voice. He never wanted to scream at Phil, it just overcame him, all of his feelings...

"Well I am sorry for bringing these!" Phil exclaimed.

"How would you have known..." Dan whispered, folding his hands in front of his stomach.

Phil put all of the candles back in the plastic bag. He then stood up from the bed and walked over to Dan, who was still leaning against the closet, looking at his feet in regret.

"What should I know?" Phil asked quietly, grabbing Dan's chin and pulling it up, so Dan had to look at him.

***

Dan was unsure if he should tell Phil. The thing with Luke wouldn't have been a problem; Phil knew at this point that Dan has a lot of bad memories of Luke. But the actually truth why Dan didn't want the candles, wasn't something that you could tell someone easy-peasy.

He remembered what he had written in the letter to Zoe few minutes ago, that he trusted Phil. If that was true, it surely wasn't a problem to tell Phil about his thoughts... right?

"You know I've been self-harming... and... when my mother found out she took away my blades and... I needed something else so... I... burned my skin or let hot wax trip on my skin and... I used candles for that..." Dan stuttered, unable to speak in complete sentences.

***

Now that Dan had told Phil, it felt like a rock has been lifted off his shoulders. Dan didn't care that Phil now looked at him with a mixture of shock and regret. All Dan cared about in this second is that for the first time, he told someone about his self-harm.