He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Chapter 2

The fight with Batman had gone badly. It was a case of too many cooks spoiling the broth, thought Joker, as he dashed from the scene of the battle, leaving the others to be caught by Batman. It was their fault they'd lost the battle anyway – if they had left it up to Joker, he would have planned a killer gag and the Bat would be dead. But everyone had to add their own ideas, and soon the whole thing just turned into a complete fiasco. The best laid plans of criminals and lunatics, thought Joker sadly, as he raced over the rooftops. But then Harvey, Scarface, and Pengers had never been the best of criminals and lunatics, thought Joker, with a sigh. It was why they needed him. As reluctant as they were to let him be in charge, Joker had eventually persuaded them.

"Who's the one who's actually really hurt the Bat?" he had demanded.

"You," they all muttered reluctantly.

"Who's killed Robin?" he pressed.

"You," they repeated, grudgingly.

"And who's the one who's murdered and maimed two Gordons?" he continued.

"You," they said again.

"All right, then. I'm in charge, and it's my scheme we'll be using," Joker insisted. "No comments from the peanut gallery."

"But you gotta admit, J, your schemes have a tendency to go horribly wrong..." began Two-Face gently.

"I can't think of any off the top of my head," retorted Joker. "Except for seducing a shrink to help me break outta Arkham. You end up with your own personal, unbreakable, permanent ball and chain. But then I guess Mommy did warn me that casual sex could get me into trouble!" he chuckled.

"All I'm saying is that maybe it would be good to have a little input from the rest of us," said Two-Face. "We'll never kill the Bat if we don't work together. Cooperation is the key."

Cooperation was not a word Joker had ever been particularly fond of, and his suspicions had been justified now, he thought as he ran. You let intellectual inferiors start putting in their opinion, and the whole thing ended up ruined. Better to rely entirely on your own innate genius, otherwise the result would be disastrous.

But Joker had no intention of returning to Arkham anytime soon, and he figured Batman would be occupied enough with the other three to let him slip away. That, to his mind, was real cooperation. He felt no compunction in abandoning the others to the mess they had created – they should have listened to him in the first place.

He stopped running at last when he reached his hideout. His face fell in confusion when he saw his pet hyenas, Bud and Lou, whimpering and clawing at the front door. They were also dressed in sheets and cupid wings. "She got to you too, huh, boys?" muttered Joker, petting them. They turned to look at him with pleading eyes, and then returned to clawing at the door.

Joker thought it was odd that Harley hadn't let them in – she wasn't one to ignore her babies whimpering. He knocked on the door. "Harley!" he called. "I'm back, and I'm all yours for the rest of the night, pumpkin pie!"

She didn't answer the door. Joker figured she was still upset with him for earlier, and knocked louder. "Harley, I'm sorry about leaving you!" he called. "But I forgot my keys so you're gonna have to let me in! I don't wanna be stuck out here all night!"

There was still no response. Joker sighed. "Lousy little brat," he muttered, backing away and running toward the door. He threw his whole weight against it, but it held firm. "Harley!" he shouted, running against the door again. "When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna break your goddamn neck, you hear me?!"

The door fell in at last under the force and Bud and Lou rushed inside, still whimpering. Joker followed them. "Harley!" he called. "Harl..."

But his voice caught in his throat when he saw Bud and Lou whining and nuzzling a shape lying on the floor. It was Harley.

She was unconscious, deathly pale, and breathing heavily. "Harley?" said Joker, shoving Bud and Lou away and bending over her. He felt her pulse - it was very faint. He looked around, and then spotted an empty bowl by her side. He wiped his finger over the remains of the Love Pudding and popped it into his mouth. He immediately made a face, spitting it out.

"God, that tastes like crap!" he muttered. "Dumb bitch is trying to poison me..."

He trailed off as the realization hit him. "You...poisoned yourself?" he muttered, glaring at Harley in disgust. "That maybe the most pathetic thing I ever heard. Figures you would have done it."

Bud and Lou continued to nuzzle her, growing more agitated. "Ok, back off, boys," he snapped. "She's gonna need air. C'mon, Harley baby, wake up!" he said, shaking her gently. "C'mon, pooh. Poisoning yourself with your own cooking was a great gag, but joke's over now, huh?"

Harley didn't respond. Joker bent down and breathed into her mouth. "Harl, wake up," he said, slapping her gently. "C'mon, cupcake. Stop it now. Joke's not funny anymore. I get it. You think this is good payback for me abandoning you, huh? It's a plea for sympathy. But it ain't gonna work, toots, so just snap out of it! C'mon, Harley. C'mon, you dumb blonde. If you die like this, it ain't gonna be funny, you hear me? I ain't gonna be laughing. And you wouldn't wanna displease your loving Mr. J, would ya? So just wake up now."

Harley continued to breathe heavily. "Ok, if the slapping and the mouth-to-mouth don't work, I'm all outta ideas," said Joker, straightening up. "We need a doctor, boys. And I know just the guy to call."

He headed for the phone and dialled a number.

"Hello?" said the voice on the other end.

"Hey, Hush a Bye Baby, how ya been?" chuckled Joker. "Look, I don't have much time for chit-chat, but I got a little favor to ask you..."

"Joker?" growled Hush.

"No, it's Batman, actually," retorted Joker, sarcastically. "I've called to tell you I love you. Of course it's the Joker!"

"And what makes you think I'll do you a favor?" demanded Hush. "You tried to kill me!"

"Look, I said I was sorry for that, all right?" retorted Joker. "What else can I do?"

"You've tried to kill me multiple times," snapped Hush.

"And I've said I was sorry every time, haven't I?" demanded Joker.

"Then maybe you should stop doing it!" shouted Hush. "I know you're jealous that I'm the only man equal to matching Batman in terms of brains..."

"Oh, let's not bring this up again, Hush Little Baby," retorted Joker. "The doctors at Arkham said you had some really strong delusions, and I agree that you gotta try to learn to get over them..."

"Goodbye, Joker," snapped Hush.

"Hey, I didn't call you just to have you hang up on me!" said Joker. "I said I need a favor, Tommy!"

"You must really think I am crazy if you think I'm going to do anything for you," retorted Hush.

"It'll be a business deal, Hushy," retorted Joker. "Not a personal favor. And it'll all be very Hush Hush!" he chuckled.

"What business deal?" demanded Hush.

"Simple. You help me, and I tell you where Eddie Nygma's hiding out. You've wanted to beat him into a pulp again for a long time, haven't you, Hushy? Join the club!" laughed Joker.

Hush was silent. "What do you want me to do?" he muttered at last.

"Be at the old Funnibone Shipping building as soon as you can get here, and I'll show you," retorted Joker.

"Funnibone?" repeated Hush.

"Yeah. If it helps you remember, Funniboner is what I call what I got in the morning, because I'm a classy kinda guy..."

"Goodbye, Joker," snapped Hush, and the phone clicked off.

Joker shrugged, hanging up. "He'll be here soon, boys," he said, petting the hyenas, who were licking and nuzzling Harley gently. "If anyone can make her better, it's old Hush Puppy. We ain't got nothing to worry about."

He wished he felt as confident as he sounded.