Memoirs of a discontented teen

Chapter 7

To say I obsess about the past is an understatement. It takes a long time for me to wrap my head around a relationship after it ends.

I'm sitting on the cold hard floor in the bathroom. It's 3:06 in the morning, everybody is asleep and I'm here trying to get through the isolation and depression stage of a breakup. To speed up the process I have my headsets plugged in and I'm listening to melancholy music which is what I normally do when I cant feel or when Ive reached the point where I have run out of tears to shed.

Call it manufactured grief or the fast food for my sadness. 'Emotions' by Destinys Child is playing now.

My head keeps running back to all the times we had meaningless fights and all the times I excused his behaviour to a fucked up childhood or a bruised heart.

Usually I can look back at my past relationships and see the silver lining in all of them but not here! No silver lining here. At all. I began to realize that throughout the entire time I was with him we were just outsiders looking in on the people we wanted to be so bad.

Despite all this there was no doubt in my mind that I care about Jaheem. But I'm starting to question if I actually loved him. Who really knows what love is? The illusion I had created, the fantasy of an all encompassing love in our relationship was just that, an illusion. Maybe he loved me in his own different way. I knew that and everyone who knew us knew that, but it was the little things that he just couldn't seem to provide oh and the fact that he cheated.

But I don't want him to be somebody I awkwardly message online every few months only reiterating that we will only be nothing more than just two people who used to date. I can't bare to think that I will vanish from his world completely

"..in the words of a broken heart/ it's just emotion *beep* taking me over/Caught up in sorrow lost in the song/But *beep* if you don't come *beep* -"

I unlocked my iPhone to see who was blowing it up. It was a text from Darnell on BBM.

Destinys Child Emotion?
You okay ma?
It's just me in 3L, Come over.

Damn I forgot to disable the "Show what I'm listening to" feature on BBM.

K, I'll come. I quickly typed in and hit send. Before I put my phone away I enlarged his display picture. It was a mirror photo of him squinting his eyes and biting his shirt in his mouth. These damn light skin poses are played out. Like can you open your damn eyes or nah? I knew he was low-key setting thirst traps for lurking females. No shade though, he looked really sexy.

I practically tip-toed my way out of my room to the hallway trying desperately not to wake anybody up. I knocked twice softly at his door. Part of me was hoping he wouldn't answer it but he did within seconds and locked the door after I got in. He was wearing grey sweatpants and a black T-shirt. The room had a vaguely familiar sensual scent but my mind was too busy over thinking my current situation that I couldn't put my finger on it and brushed the thought out of my mind.

The lights were dim and slow jams were playing softly on a beats pill.

"Were you planning on making love to yourself?", I teased.

He just laughed and jumped onto one of the beds. I followed him.
The heater in his room didn't work so he made me sit in between his legs and he wrapped around me keeping me warm. I took a mental note on how unusually normal and automatic this all felt.

"How come you're here all alone?", I asked.

"Well we opened a bottle of Hennessey when you girls went to sleep. All the guys past out in the other room and I came in here because it was too crowded.", he answered.

"So that was your plan huh? Get everyone wasted so you can have a room to yourself", I accused while circling his knee lightly with my finger.

"Nah ma.", he chuckled. "I just know how to hold my liquor.", he said placing his hand above mine. "Now tell me why you're up at 3 in the morning listening to sad ass songs."

I started explaining everything that had happened between Jaheem and I in the past few days. He barely moved or said a word. I thought that I had sent him to sleep with my boring soliloquy. But then he squeezed my hand encouraging me to go on.

"I just want to forget about all that right now.", I added with a sigh.

"I could make that happen you know Victoria." He said my name in this half teasing, half whisper brushing his lips against my ear lobe making me feel weak. "I've been thinking about fucking you for so long.", he said.

I turned up to look at him with a furrowed brow, "The fuck?" plastered all over my face . I opened my mouth to cuss him out but he took advantage and stuck his tongue in my mouth. I swooned into him. The kiss was sexy with a hint of danger.

I could feel the strength of his body harden. With no effort at all he got up from his position and layed me down. Remembering our last encounter I reached up his shirt to feel his perfect body. His lips curved into a smile when I did this.

The kiss got more intense when I wrapped my legs around him, crossing my feet behind his back. He tried to move his hands underneath my pants but I kept wavering in between kisses. I want to go further with him but I know that he would not experience the same type of extravagant short-lived passion and attachment that dominates my mind.

At this point I had reached a stage of addiction craving insertion like I wouldn't survive without it. I was starting to feel the entitlement of something, no of him being mine even after just enjoying him for a little while. Sometimes I wish I was a hoe and I could take advantage of all these opportunities but I've got too much pride in me and God is watching.

The sound of somebody fidgeting with the doorknob outside the door interrupted my thoughts. Before I knew it Darnell was already up on his feet adjusting his pants to conceal his protuberance.

Bang! Bang! The person outside hit the door. "Mitch(male bitch) open the door!" My heart dropped when I recognized his voice. And then it hit me. The lingering scent in the room. Clean, fresh and sensual... like heaven in a bottle. Room-3-fucking-L! This is Jaheems room!

*Photo of Darnell in the Chapter*