Counting On Forever

Chapter 15

~{Chapter 15}~

The next day, I get up at eight thirty and am ready to leave the hotel by nine o'clock.

I am wearing a black knit dress with leggings and boots. I have a red scarf on and my coat. I also have flowers for James' grave. I wait in the lobby for Matt.

When I see him drive up, I hurry out to his car and slip inside. He immediately takes my hand, squeezes it gently, and lets go of it before driving off toward the cemetery.

"How are you holding up?" he asks.

I sigh. "Pretty good, I think. I'm just ready to say my goodbyes in a better position than last time. I was just too grieved to really process anything during the funeral."

"You're a brave woman," he says.

I smile. "I've never really felt like it."

"Well, I can tell you that you are truly brave."

When we drive up to the cemetery, he begins to unbuckle his seatbelt and get out, but I stop him. He looks at me with a puzzled expression.

"I need some time alone with him. Come get me if I stay there too long," I tell him quietly.

He does not question me. He just nods and sits back in his chair. I smile appreciatively and get out, leaving my purse behind. I wrap my coat around me tighter and walk slowly to his grave.

The world seems to stop as I stop in front of his grave and set the flowers down. I kneel down and trace over the letters of his name. I read his epitaph.

In loving memory of James Walker.
Son of Paul and Alexandra Walker.
Fiancé of Catherine Garner.
He was loved and respected by many. He fought for his country bravely and sacrificed much. He will always be remembered as a brave, kind, compassionate man.

Born: ----  Died: ----

I smile. I had picked his epitaph out, but I never remembered what it said. The words described him perfectly.

"Oh James," I start, "This has been one crazy year. I've missed you more than you'll ever know. The first few months were so hard. I was an emotional mess. At times, I feel like I still am. I forgot you wouldn't want me to live in depression for the rest of my life. You know who helped? Beth and a new friend of mine, Matt. My boss' sister-in-law also helped me. I know it's not my fault. I blamed myself for so long, until I realized there was nothing I could have done. I love you s-so..."

I can not say anymore because of my tears. I continue to stare at his gravestone. I read the epitaph over and over. He was such a good man. Would it be possible for me to ever find love again? I had been counting on forever with James, and my dreams were shattered. If I opened myself up again, would I find my dream being shattered once again?

"Hey," a quiet voice asks as I feel a hand on my shoulder.

I look up and see Matt standing beside me. I sit down on my knees and gesture for him to sit next to me. He sits down and takes my hand in his, squeezing it comfortingly.

I look at the gravestone and say, "This is Matt, James. He was the one I was telling you about. He helped me, and he's still helping me."

Matt scoots closer to me and lets me lean my head on his shoulder. I keep letting the tears fall. Matt just sits there and waits. I know he wants more from me, but I am not ready to give it to him. He is the only one who could understand that I am not ready, and I really appreciate that he has not pushed it.