Enlightenment

Part 24

              There was no way I could ever allow myself to... no it would be far too dangerous. I couldn't be that close to him, I could end up killing him at any time if I lost concentration, or got too overwhelmed by his presence...

              Anyway, he might not even like me in that way, even the very idea of us seemed completely impossible. Nothing had even really happened between us; the bite was irrelevant. We were both desperate to escape and I was more than half crazy with pain and hunger. He probably just couldn't see a better way for us to escape. 

               His last comment could have just been him being nice, or even him just being polite to avoid hurting my feelings. He could even have just been making a general observation... I was a vampire after all; we're all beautiful in our own way.

              He probably only viewed me as a friend, or maybe not even a friend... but at least someone not worthy of killing anymore. He might even resent me on some level... if it wasn't for me Sam would be alive, and he would still be living with the group. Happy and oblivious. I was bad for him.

              I sat in the same position for hours contemplating the situation, along with trying to deal with the guilt that flowed through me. Each of their faces swam through my mind, the people that I killed. They brought back the memories of others that I'd killed over the years... the looks in their eyes as the lights faded. I even felt bad about Clarkson, although I couldn't quite bring myself to be truly sorry for what I'd done to him. Some part of me insisted that he'd deserved it... which made me feel all the more guilty.

              As the sky lightened I began to hear more movement from around the house as people woke up, I heard Chris return and go into the kitchen. At first I didn't understand what he was doing in there until I worked out he was unloading shopping. Strange. He must have decided he'd better take up the responsibility before the humans starved. I heard their gasps of amazement and admiration as they explored the building in search of the kitchen.

              Around mid-afternoon Anna ventured into the library. She stopped a couple of rows away from me and I heard her slide a book from the shelf. I went to investigate and frowned in surprise.

"You read Russian?"

 She let out a squeak of shock as she jumped violently, once she'd realized it was me she held her hand to her heart; "Jade! You almost gave me a heart attack! I didn't see you."

I gave her an apologetic smile, "sorry, I didn't think."

"It's ok, don't worry about it... and no, I don't read Russian I was just curious."

"Oh... "

She appraised me in the dim light and her eyes widened with shock. "Oh my gosh!" her fingers brushed the air next to my exposed wrist, "who did that to you?"

I shrugged, "hunters."

She drew in a breath through her teeth, "it looks really painful."

"It's manageable."

"It's like... it's like they tortured you!"

"Yes."

Just then we were interrupted by Jamie's voice as he called me from the corridor.

"Jade?"

 Without warning I turned on my heel and ran. Anna turned towards me as I disappeared,

"She's just- oh never mind..." I heard her voice turn suspicious, "why are you looking for her anyway?"

He took a moment to reply, "I just... wanted to talk to her."

I listened to him walk away in silence.

              I wondered through the house quietly, I didn't feel like talking to anyone in my current state so I ended up alone in the attic. I'd had part of it converted into an art studio which was well stocked with all of the materials I would ever need when painting drawing or sculpting.

              Starting off I did a few rough sketches, but when they started to become images of dark brown eyes with green flecks, and the curves of a strong jaw I threw them away. I set up a canvas and started an oil painting.

              I couldn't concentrate for long. The hunger in me grew in every passing moment. At first I tried to ignore it but as it got worse I was forced to acknowledge it.

              I didn't see anyone as I made my way through the now dark and silent house to the kitchen. Three bags of blood later I still felt the same. My body craved blood as it tried to heal all of the wounds I had sustained in the last few days.

              The humans in the house were starting to smell even more tempting. I could hear their slow sleeping heartbeats scattered throughout the building and my mouth began to water. The monster was hungry. I really wanted to sink my fangs into flesh, feel warm blood running down my throat...

"Jade?"

              I was jolted back into awareness. I was halfway up the staircase opposite Jamie. He looked like he had just got out of bed but he was fully awake. He held his hands up cautiously, looking into my eyes warily.  He repeated my name in a questioning tone. I breathed in his scent;

"hungry." I blinked feeling disorientated, "need to go... now!"

              I turned and ran from him again. I could barely stand the sound of his pounding heart as he tried to follow but within seconds I was outside, the distance between us rapidly increasing as I sped through the darkness.

              I tried to keep the idea fixed in my mind. Keep going, get away from him. I couldn't risk anyone getting hurt when I was in this state. Fear rushed through me. I had lost control. It was only for a few moments but still. There was so much damage I could have done then... if Jamie hadn't stopped me.

              It had been decades since I had even been close to the state I was in now. I was always careful to make sure I had the right amount of blood to prevent the monster from taking over.

              Without a second thought I jumped straight over the tall fence that circled my land. Jamie was left far behind. After crossing several fields I reached a small wood. In seconds the warm scent of deer crossed my path. Nowhere near as good as a human but they would have to do to satisfy hunger. It needed to be released somehow and this was the only way I wouldn't harm any people.

              I followed the scent, jumping through the trees silently until I came across a whole herd. Before they'd realized I was there I'd pounced on a large doe and sunk my fangs into her neck. She struggled briefly but soon sank to the ground. As soon as I was done I started running again, it only took me seconds to catch up to the rest of them and I quickly took down a young stag followed rapidly by another.

              Finally I stopped and surveyed the scene. The animal I had just killed lay in front of me. The neck viciously ripped open. The other two were little way back in similar states. The rest of the herd had fled in terror. My clothes were ripped from the undergrowth and soaked in animal blood, which also coated my skin and dripped from my hair. I felt dirty. 

              I turned away and started walking slowly. I few yards from the clearing I stopped and sat in a tree. I was glad to find that I now felt slightly better, and on a closer examination I found that some of the silver burns were finally starting to heal. Now that my head felt clearer and I was able to think about things far more rationally now, my loss of control scared me slightly. I hated the fact that I could lose myself so easily.