Believing Again

Chapter Three

           I grunted as I sat down in the backyard of the house. Jessa had me shopping allday. We went to almost every store around this town. I figured we’d just get a couple shirts, maybe a few pairs of jeans, but holy cow this woman can shop. She got me enough shirts and jeans that I could wear a new outfit every day for a month, not including the dresses. I curled my aching feet under me as the sun stared to go down. The backyard was as nice as the rest of the house. It was huge, bigger than some town parks even. It had a sitting area by the house with a stone fire pit to keep you warm at night. I was curled up with a book Jessa gave me as I watched the sun go down from the comfort of my new favorite chair. I looked up from my book as I felt something hit me. I looked up at Noah as he held up a plate of burgers. “Dinner is going on the grill. Jessa wanted to know if you wanted salad or French fries.” I nodded holding up the new phone she insisted I needed. ‘Cause you know, deaf people need to talk to people on the phone. It does make sense I guess, I don’t communicate any other way then sign language, which Noah doesn’t know. It is some fancy blackberry with a touch screen or something; the new thing says the sales assistant.

I’m fine with either, I typed out and sent. I put the phone into my pocket and walked back into the house. Jessa looked up from her phone. “I’m having salad and Noah doesn’t eat burgers without French fries or onion rings so it’s up to you.” She smiling put the phone down to finish cutting her salad. I filled up a cup of water from the dispenser on the refrigerator to sip during dinner. I sat on the stool watching her as she set up the rest of the meal. It’s amazing how much I miss home cooked meals. I haven’t had them in months. It was nearly impossible to get a good home cooked meal when you weren’t home. It’s really something you miss a lot, especially when you’re not a big fan of hospital food. Jessa handed me a bowl to take to bring to the table outside. She was telling me when we were shopping all about how everything works with the weather here. They like to have dinner outside everyday they can. We’re getting close to the end of the sunny season making this some of the last dinners outside before it starts raining and everything’s freezing. I sat down as Noah closed the grill and sat down.

“Did you guys get everything you needed?” He asked looking over to Jessa as she came out as well.

“She will still need some more winter clothes, but we got a good amount.” She smiled at me. “It was a lot of fun, bonding time even.” I took some salad.

“I think they’re starting up on the winter clothes at work. I’ll grab some.” I watched them as they talked about buying and getting clothes like it was an everyday thing. I haven’t been able to walk into a store and buy clothes since my mom was alive. It’s something very new to me. I pushed around my salad as Noah and Jessa talked about everything under the sun. They talked about work; Jessa owns a party and decoration business from the house. It’s doing very well apparently. Noah was talking about the upcoming fall season with his clothing business. I sat silently even after dinner was finished and cleaned up. It’s odd, being in another family. Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room? I’ve felt like this my entire life. Everyone was living around me. I was always the perfect foster kid. No one had to hear me scream, no had to hear me talk. They could talk about me all they wanted and I couldn’t ‘hear’ it. No one cared about me, you don’t worry about something that can’t talk or hear. That hasn’t changed in over a decade. Why would it change now? I looked up to see both Noah and Jessa looking at me.

‘I think I’m going to go up to my room.’ I signed nodding to the two of them before walking back into the house closing the door behind me. I walked up to my room and curled up on my bed and just cried, and cried, and cried….

It’s been the same for the past come of days. I woke up in this amazing house, with this amazing family, feeling like nothing more than an intruder. I watched everything going on around me like I’ve done for so long. I went through the motions of life waiting for something to happen to make this home like all the other homes I’ve had over the years. I’d be in the background till there was something I needed to do. It was like every other house, only because I made it that way. I knew it was all my fault, I admit it. I’ve never had a reason to stay in one place for long. My mother is dead. My father killed her. He tried to kill me. One of the only people I could ever trust betrayed me, tried to kill me. The other is dead. How can someone trust again after that? It’s like swimming in the ocean after a shark attack, almost impossible. I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes running a hand through my hair. I skipped out on dinner and my stomach was angry at me. I walked out of my room and blinked in surprise. Noah’s office light was open with the door cracked open.

I walked towards the door, my stomach forgotten. I looked into the room; He was sitting at his desk rubbing his forehead while Jessa sat in front of him, her arms folded over her chest. I felt terrible for snooping but, I just wanted to know. “I just, she doesn’t want to be here, Jess.” He sighed leaning back in his chair. I could see Jessa’s reflection in the mirror on the wall as she said, “Noah, you have to give her time. This is all new to her.”

“Jessa, she hates it here! I just, I don’t know if we’re the right family to help her.” Jessa huffed, obviously angry at her husband.

“We have to help her, we can’t give up.” He shook his head.

“We tried. It didn’t work. It’s time, Jessa. We have to.” She stood up abruptly.

“We have no right to just give up on her! We are not sending her back to that hell hole of a hospital to just be given off to other family, Noah! I thought I knew you better than that, but I guess I was wrong.” I could almost feel the disappointment in her voice.

“Jess, it’s just better for all of us; before anyone gets attached. Maybe, we’re not ready to take care of a child like we thought we were.” He tried to calm her down but it didn’t work. She shook her head.

“You may not be ready for a child, Noah, but I’ve been ready for a long time.” I moved out of the door way and into the bedroom closed to the office to hide as she walked out and down the hall to her bedroom. I walked back to my room quietly and closed the door. He wanted to give me back, she didn’t. I was braking up their marriage. I feel terrible. They were affected by my actions. No one has ever been affected to my silence before, my not caring. I’ve never had to change for anyone, ever. I curled up on my bed and closed my eyes drifting into the flashbacks of everything I’ve ever done, all my pain and misery, and my happiness……

It was early, I couldn’t sleep. I’ve been up all night lost in my own thoughts. I couldn’t let this go on, I just couldn’t. I walked towards the office and looked into the darkly lit room. It was getting close to the sun rise so the room wasn’t as dark as it was an hour ago. Noah still sat at his desk, in the same clothes, with the same expression on his face. It’s like he hasn’t moved since I peeped in on his conversation. He looked up at me in surprise when he heard my entrees. “Amira, what are you doing up this early?” I walked into the room and towards him. “Is everything alright?” I walked around the desk so I was standing right in front of him, I can’t turn back now. “Amira?” He turned towards me concerned. I sat down and curled my body in his arms quickly making him almost jump in shock not expecting me to do that. I looked up at his face, his eyes clouded in concern. “Amira, what is wrong?” I swallowed the nervousness in my throat and took a deep breath.

“Please don’t send me away.” I whispered, my voice hoarse and scratchy from not using it in over a decade. “I don’t want to go.”