emotions (phan)

seventeen

He had been crying nonstop.

Troye and Connor were trying to cheer him up. He was constantly mumbling apologies and telling Troye how much he means to him.

Phil and I had decided to let them be alone, going into the livingroom. We were currently laying on the couch cuddled up, his arm around me and my head on his shoulder.

"Phil," I spoke, my hand clasped with his. He looked up at me. "What are we?"

He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of my head. "What do you want to be?"

I looked up at him. "I wanna be yours."

"And I wanna be yours," Phil told me. I smiled, struggling to stay awake since it was a long day.

"Phil Lester," I murmured sleepily, my eyes now shut and my head nudged under his neck. He hummed his response. "Will you be my boyfriend?"

He lifted my head up, pressing his lips to mine. "Of course," he giggled against my lips. I grinned at him, pecking his nose with my hand on his jawline.

"I love you." I lay back down on him, exhaling.

"I love you too, Dan."

A door opening caused the two of us to jump, looking up to see the three boys walking out the bedroom. I stood up and reached out, Tyler immediately running into my arms and hugging me, sniffling.

"Thank you so much," he whispered against my chest.

"Those who are emotionless once cared too much," I whispered, not exactly to him but to myself. Either way, it was true.

The reason why we have so many people with their switches off is because there is so much love and hate in this world that it's almost overwhelming. Humanity in general is stupid.

We give even when we don't get, we adore even when we aren't loved, we forgive but don't forget- none of it makes sense. Or maybe it's not the humans that are confusing- it's our emotions.

Our emotions are the odd ones. Yeah, that sounds right.

That's why so many people have them off. They cared too much about something. They gave everything they had in them to that specific someone or something- their love their care and their trust- and once they left they took it all with them. We give so much of our happiness to that other being that we don't leave any happiness or love for ourselves.

That's why when they leave we're so sad, because they took the one thing that made us smile, and that one thing was them. That's why when we leave we're so alone, because we gave up all our love to them therefore not leaving any for us. We can't love ourselves without them.

But it's not just our emotions that are dumb, it's also our minds. We think and think and think, and when you overthink it destroys you. You wonder if he/she really does love you, you wonder if they really do care, you wonder if they're faking it because they pity you, you wonder where you'll be in ten years and think about what it was like ten years ago.

Our minds run and run, because there's no finish line to it. They just keep running, because they don't know where else to go or what else to do until someone says you can have a break. In other words, they manage to distract you from your thoughts.

And when they leave, you have to run again. But this time they don't give you a break. They don't give you any water. They don't cheer you on, because they've gone since you lost the first race. They gave up on you.

That, everybody, is why we become heartless, emotionless, careless, ect. We're so damn terrified of meeting someone who will take everything away from you just like the last person did, and you'll feel like shit all over again. That's why we stop trusting people. That's why we stop smiling.

We are afraid that if we let people see our dark side, they won't shine a flashlight on us, they will only leave us in that darkness. They will not help you see, they will not lead you to the light, they will leave you in a pitch black room of nothingness, all alone, with nobody to comfort you or give you a new flashlight considering the last person took that stupid device with them.

That is why we stop caring.

But you cannot be afraid to fall in love again. You have to be happy again. And love saves you. Love is that flashlight in a dark room, the sun on a stormy day, the music in a quiet room, the water when you're thirsty, and the friends when you're lonely.

Love is not our enemy. Love is not evil. We make it evil. We make it our enemy. But it does not have to be like that. Love is selfless, the only selfish part about love are the people in it.

More importantly it doesn't matter who you love. Whether that's boy and boy, girl and girl, girl and boy, a small age difference, a Hindu and a Christian. It is not about who they are, it is who they love. Transgenders, pansexuals, asexuals, bisexuals, gays, lesbians, and straights. We all can love who we want.

No, love is not just holding hands, or kissing your partner, or calling them sweet nicknames. It is being genuinely happy when around them. It is having butterflies form in your tummy when you see their smile. It is being unable to stop blushing when ending a conversation with them.

It is being in love that weakens us yet also strengthens us.

Being in love is falling, and truthfully we are all afraid of heights. We just need someone who will catch us. Someone who will love us back, as a friend or significant other.

Now I know I will never turn my emotions back off, because I trust Phil. I love him, I love him, I'm in love with him.

And I know he will catch me when I fall, just as I'll do for him.