emotions (phan)

fifteen

(A/N: HI NEW FANFIC CALLED STAINED GO READ)

I shoved him off, eyes wide as I shot up from the couch.

"Dan? What is it, did I do something wrong?"

I shook my head, stumbling back and leaning against the wall. Phil looked at me worriedly. My eyes were watering and my body was shaking, the room beginning to spin.

"Dan what's happening?"

I took one look at him and burst out crying, dropping to my knees. Phil stepped back, staring at me with wide, concerned eyes. It was like being hit by a truck, but only feeling the pain in your chest. My head was pounding and my body was aching as I sat, my knees to my chest.

PJ died and I didn't tell him how much he meant to me.

I hurt Phil so many times.

My parents hate me now.

Chris left with nobody to talk to.

The weed. Jamie. Oh god, I got Jamie to turn his emotions off- and Tyler! What about Tyler? I never called Troye or Connor back about Tyler, he's probably out there- alone and angry.

The clubbing, the one-night stands, the fights, the swearing. The little girl I yelled at. That old man I was ignorant to. I hurt so many nice people.

Phil slowly crawled towards me and took me in his arms as I cried, clutching his shirt tightly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I repeated over and over, tears streaming down my face at a never ending pace. My head was throbbing from how violently sobs ripped through my throat, and my chest heaved. Phil just shushed me softly and reached out to pet my hair when I grabbed his hand, wanting to shove him but instead feeling defeated and intertwining our fingers.

"It's not okay," I murmured, squeezing his hand and letting it drop onto my lap. "I'm not okay, Phil! This is why I turned my emotions off in the first place, all this guilt, the pain, the sadness-"

"It's called being human." Phil sighed. I choked on a sob. "Dan, I couldn't let you live like you were for the rest of your existence. You deserved better. You deserved to love as much as you are loved."

"It hurts. It hurts- so fucking much. . . why are you here? Why don't you hate me?"

Phil shook his head, coming behind me and resting his chin on my shoulder behind me. "Because I love you. You do stupid things for people you love, but I trust you. You didn't intentionally hurt me, and I know that now. I mean as much to you as you do to me."

"It's so stupid. Love, I mean. You give people so much of your love, and then when they leave they take it with you- and you loved them so much that now you're left with no love to love yourself," I sniffled. "You're just alone and you hate yourself because you gave them your heart and they took your heartbeat and stopped it."

Phil nodded against me. "If it's not okay now, it'll be okay soon, okay? I promise. You just have to promise me that you won't turn your emotions back off. I can't lose you. Not again, baby."

I turned to him, pressing my forehead against his and letting out a shaky breath. "You won't lose me if you promise not to leave me."

Phil kissed my nose gently. "Never. I'll never leave you, angel."

I smiled sadly. "I won't leave you either, Phil." My eyes stung from crying and my breath was constantly shaking, my voice raspy and broken. "I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you didn't deserve me, like I didn't care, or like you were unworthy of love. I care about you so much, Phil- you have no idea. I'd protect you with my life if it means your beautiful smile will stay on this planet for a little longer. I'm sorry if I ever made you cry, which I know I did, or for those sleepless nights or the anxious mornings- I'm sorry if I ever made you feel stupid, unloved, or used- I never used you and I never will. I didn't have sex with you, I made love to you. I kissed you because I wanted to, I hung out with you because I wanted to, and I love you because I want to."