emotions (phan)

twelve

fanart by @colouringtroyler

It's Christmas Eve. It's been four days since Phil and I last talked. We visited PJ everyday, watching him slowly die every hour without him knowing.

I had only seen Phil once since that day, and that was when I happened to look out my window the same time he was taking out the trash. He looked like hell, his hair messy, bags under his eyes, an oversized sweater on and shorts. I longed to run out and hug him, but I knew I was the reason for his pain.

"You should talk to him," Chris sighed behind me, fixing his hair for the Christmas party tonight. I shook my head.

"It's best if I don't," I replied, looking away from my window to sit back down at my dresser and continue straightening my hair. "He deserves better. I'm not what he needs."

Chris groaned. "How would you know what's best for him if you won't even listen?" I bit my lip, not replying. "If he comes to the dance, at least make eye contact with him. He has to know you at least feel the same as he does right now."

I exhaled, annoyed. "Fine."

When it hit eight o'clock, Chris and I left in our tuxedos and santa hats. I looked through Phil's house only to see all the lights off, as if nobody was home.

When we got there we hurried to the buffet table, munching down on Christmas cookies and peppermint cupcakes. When I turned, however, I lost all appetite.

Phil Lester was looking right at me.

He was in a tuxedo, his hair quiffed back and his back leaning against the wall, his arms crossed. I gulped, being reminded of when we went to dinner together.

Eye contact: check.

I nearly dropped my cookie when my phone rang, snatching the device and holding it to my ear. "Hello?" I murmured, watching the couples waltzing around me to cliché Christmas music.

"Is this Dan?" A man asked. I blinked, and Chris looked up at me.

"Yes, why?"

"PJ Ligouri has passed," he started. I felt sick.

That's when I felt another emotion erupt through my veins and rip through my skin. Complete and utter sadness.

My eyes watered and I grabbed onto Chris's arm for support, trying to steady my breathing. Chris put his food down, looking down at me worriedly. "He wanted to tell you and your friend Chris to have a merry Christmas, and that he knew you'd keep your promise."

I breathed heavily, trying to hold my tears back the best I could.

"Okay, t-thank you." And then I hung up, dropping my phone on the floor. Chris looked down at me.

"Dan? What happened?"

"PJ- Chris, PJ is dead," I spoke, gripping his suit tightly. And then wasn't confused anymore, instead his parted lips closed and curled downwards.

"Come on, I'll get us a cab home," he told me softly. I nodded, feeling numb all over again. The two of us trudged out, not losing my grip on him. I turned back to look for Phil one last time but he wasn't there anymore. A taxi arrived, Chris and I climbed into the yellow vehicle.

The drive was silent, getting home and going inside.

That's when Chris broke down. He had shut the door, leaning against it and sliding down to the floor. He sobbed into his knees and I felt as if I couldn't cry anymore. I felt so numb- so shocked. Out of all the infinite adjectives, words could not explain how I felt right now.