Not What It Seems ||An Outsiders Fanfiction||

Chapter 3

Ana's POV:

"Good morning, boys!" I call, opening my door in the morning. No response. I look around the family room, and no one's in it. Guess my brothers are still asleep, so I decide to grab my homework. As soon as I open my binder, the door to Soda and Ponyboy's room slowly opens.

"Morning Pony," I say without even having to look up. It's only about 6:30 A.M., about the time I usually wake up for school, and I guess for Pony too.

"Mornin'," he says, sitting on the couch next to me, looking pale and tired. I pull him in next to me and he leans his head on my shoulder, closing his eyes sleepily. We may not be close, but we still have our moments.

"How'd you sleep, baby?" I ask him. He shrugs.

"Soda kept kicking, otherwise I would have stayed in bed," he says.

"Was he having a nightmare?" I ask him. Ponyboy shakes his head.

"Nah, Sodapop never has nightmares," he confirms. And that's when I knew he wasn't telling me everything.

"Did you have a nightmare, baby?" I ask him. He looks down and blushes, nodding.

"Yeah. It was earlier, like 4:00 and Soda wasn't awake, so I never really got back to sleep," He admits.

"You can sleep out here if you want," I tell my little brother, moving my binder off of my lap. He nods, sinking down so his head is on my lap.

"Are you feeling better today, Ana?" He asks me.

"What do you mean?" I respond.

"Last night," he mumbles, tiredly.

"Last night you didn't eat anything and then went to bed in the middle of dinner. I was worried you were sick," he says. I smile.

"I'm okay, buddy," I assure my baby brother, stroking his hair.

"Hey Ana?" He says. I look down at him.

"Yes, baby?" I ask him.

"What's college like?" He asks. I stop for a minute to think.

What is college like? Well, it's a struggle, to say the least.

"College is fun. It's like normal school, but you live there and meet the friends you'll have for the rest of your life," I decide to tell him.

Yeah, fun. Because school is so great, Ana.

Ponyboy surprises me when he says nothin' about how Darry never went, so will never get to meet those special friends, but instead says, "What do you learn there?"

"Well, I'm majoring in English and Creative Writing, so we learn a lot about vocabulary and proper grammar and stuff. How to tell a good story, things like that. We got an assignment for the vacation: we have to write about what we did, and what was the most meaningful thing we did this week and why. We have to make it into a short story and title it and everything," I explain. I can tell by the look on his face that even though he desperately wants to listen and spend time with me, my poor little brother is quickly falling asleep.

"Ana?" Pony says, his voice a faint whisper.

"Yeah?" I respond.

"I'm sleepy," he says. I smile at him. He looks so cute right now.

"Okay, honey. Why don't you rest," I suggest, leaning down to kiss his forehead.

"I'll be right here when you wake up, okay? We can talk then," I whisper to him, watching his eyes close.

Leaning over the arm of the chair, I grab my binder.

What was the most meaningful thing you did this vacation? Why was it meaningful? What pushed you to do it? Did it change you or the way you or someone else thinks about something?

I already know what my answer is going to be, if I don't chicken out and screw up. I'm going to come out of the closet to my brothers. I'm going to confess my undying love for Leesha Walters, my best friend and roommate to my brothers, the gang, and Leesha herself.

Of course it'll change things, people will of course look at me different, but that's okay, because I've looked at myself different since I was just a little girl.

When I was 8, my friends always used to talk about the boys they had crushes on, and how they couldn't wait for their prince to come rescue them so they could get married and live happily ever after. For some reason that I could never really understand, I never liked those conversations. I always tried to change the subjects. I always told them I didn't have a crush, or that the guys all thought I had cooties or something, but really that was just an excuse for something I could never understand.

When I was 12, Darry was 10. We were at the park playing football, and he met a girl named Jessa, who he thought was pretty. And I thought she was pretty too, beautiful even. At the time I didn't think much of it, but when I watched the two of them kiss for the first time I felt a pang of jealousy. I longed to know what it was, hoping that it was just the fact that my brother was always my brother, and I never had to share him with any other girls until now, but in the back of my mind, I knew this wasn't the case.

Jessa was nice and Jessa was beautiful, and I liked her the exact same way my brother did: like-like. I know it's a stupid way to put it, but that might be the only way to correctly describe it. For years, I pushed away my feelings, telling myself that I was just confused, that there was no way I could have a crush on a girl.

When I was 15, a guy named Paul asked me out. Wanting to be polite, I said yes, but I didn't at all want to go. I desperately begged my mom to give him an excuse to not let me go when he got here, but she argued that it was just nerves and I'd have a great time, even when I told her I felt sick. We ended up going to a movie, and towards the end, he kissed me. That was the first time I really accepted the fact that I didn't like guys as much as girls. That kiss. I don't blame Paul, he was a nice guy, friends with Darry, and not a bad kisser, he just helped me realized who I was truly interested in.

With Leesha, it will be easier to tell the truth. She's the only openly lesbian girl in the entire school, so she'll understand. Leesha, on top of being fearless, is the most flawless girl I've ever met, in more ways than one. She's beautiful, from the way her brown eyes shimmer, to the way her dark, curly hair dances around her face. Her tanned skin is darker than Johnny Cade's, and suits her well. Ieesha is absolutely gorgeous. On top of that, she's kind and caring, sweet yet all girl power, and the perfect mix of girly and tomboy. Me, I'm all tomboy. Not many guys have shown any interest in me in a while, but they all do with her, even though she practically walks around saying "I like girls."

I could never do that. I never told my parents, I have never told my friends or anyone else. Maybe I owe it to my parents to tell them. Maybe I owe it to my brothers to tell them, and not hide anything from them anymore. P

But as I look at my 14 year old baby brother, who's sound asleep on my lap, I do sort of wonder what it'll mean to him. Will he care? Will he accept me? Will telling him it make it uncomfortable to be around him? He's smart, he understands things. If he understands this, and takes it in a different way than planned, I could lose what little of a relationship I have left with this little guy...