emotions (phan)

twelve

"H-he was so excited about Christmas. I d-didn't even get to hand him his present!" Chris cried, tugging on his hair as tears streamed freely down his cheeks. "He doesn't get to wake up on Christmas morning like we do, or get that call from his family, or sing along to stupid holiday songs with his buddies while drunk on mint-flavored alcohol. He doesn't get to live like we do, Dan."

I nodded, chewing on my bottom lip sadly.

"He was crazy about you," Chris whispered, looking up at me. I locked eyes with him. "Now PJ had plenty of crushes, but I'd never seen him adore someone so much until you came along. It hurt him too- leaving you."

"I know," I breathed. Chris leaned against the wall, looking at nothing in particular, wiping his bloodshot eyes. "I was crazy about him too."

---

I woke up to knocking at my locked bedroom door.

"Mmph, what?" I mumbled tiredly.

"It's Christmas, Dan. Come on!" Chris exclaimed. I yawned.

"I'll be out in a few," I replied. I heard him walk away and I blindly reached for my phone, my eyes widening when I didn't feel it. I sat up and looked at my nightstand, that stupid device nowhere to be seen.

I dropped it at the ball. I moaned in protest, mentally slapping myself.

I got up and threw on a Christmas sweater and jeans, putting a Santa hat on.

I opened my bedroom door and walked out, meeting Chris in the living room. We opened each other's Christmas presents and then ate breakfast.

Afterwards Chris went back into his room, shutting his door. I knew the morning act was forced- there's no way Chris Kendall could be okay after hearing that his best friend died.

I jumped when I heard three small knocks at the front door, getting up off the couch and bothering to look through the peep hole. I opened up the door, feeling like my breath had been sucked out of my lungs as soon as I saw who it was.

"P-Phil," I stuttered. He gulped, wearing a grey pullover and black jeans. His blue eyes were dull and black hair messy.

"Hi," the boy in front of me muttered. He reached in his pocket and handed me my phone. My lips parted and I extended out a trembling hand, taking the device from him.

"Thanks." He shrugged. He turned to walk away but I reached out, quickly grabbing hold of his sleeve. "Phil, wait." He turned to me, raising an eyebrow.

"What?" I bit my lip, trying to form a sentence to reply to him with. He frowned at me. "Dan, I have to go-"

My body was shaking with anxiety, keeping my grip on his arm. "No, please. Just let me explain."

"I heard you," he blurted, locking eyes with me. I let go of his sleeve, furrowing my eyebrows. "I heard everything you said to me that day. I wasn't asleep yet, but I was close to it. But then you came."

My eyes widened, my grip loosening somewhat. "B-but- the music? You were listening to a song! You were having a nightmare!"

"That was the last song on the playlist, which ended a couple seconds after you began talking. The nightmare act was really just myself trying to keep it together while you cried," he explained. My lips formed in a tight line. "Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, I cared about you too? That I didn't want to lose you either? That I need you in my life, even when you're a pain in my ass?"

"Phil, I'm-"

"Don't you dare apologize to me again. You left me when I needed you most, and you think that will help me become a happier person? You think that by not being in my life, I'll be alright? Dan, I wasn't as happy as I acted when I first met you. And when you claimed you weren't there for me- I wanted to grab your shoulders and scream at you. Because you were there, Dan. Maybe not emotionally, but by physically talking to me and agreeing to hang out with me even if you didn't want to was enough. Even with your feelings off, mine for you grew. So why didn't you choose to realize that I fell in love with you before you fell for me?"

"What are you saying?" I questioned, ignoring my pounding heart at his last sentence.

"I love you, you asshole! That's what I'm saying! I have been crying for days, getting only a few hours of sleep each night, hell I've lost my appetite too! Dan, this isn't just about you! You didn't even ask for my opinion in this! Think about someone else for once!"

"I was just afraid of hurting you," I mumbled, my eyes watering as I fidgeted with my hands.

Phil's gaze with me broke, instead looking down at my fidgeting hands. "You already hurt me."

I was about to reply when a male's voice downstairs cut me off.

"Phil? Where'd you go?" A stranger called from two floors down.

"Who's that?" I asked, eyes flickering back to Phil's face.

He didn't answer. "I'll be down in a minute, Damon!"

"Okay! Hurry up, Philly! I'm bored!" Damon chuckled, and then the door shut. Phil locked eyes with me again, his state more anxious.

"Phil. Who was that?" I repeated, my tone stricter. Phil glared.

"Somebody who actually cares about my feelings. Merry fucking Christmas." He snapped. I opened my mouth to respond, to apologize, to beg for him to stay, keeping my arm outstretched to pull at his shirt again, but he turned on one heel, rushing away from me.

I put my arm back down to my side, a single tear slipping from my eye. I watched him leave until his figure disappeared and his door slammed shut.

"But I do care," I whispered.