Comfortably Numb (Kellic)

Chapter Twelve

I feel that maybe there's something about the destructive pattern of thunder storms that's morbidly soothing. Lightning striking the earth as thunder shakes it, water taking over most of everything.

This shitty town is practically known for its rain and storms. I've grown up with it and I guess that's why I love them so much. Perhaps I've a mental connection with my childhood through it. The times weren't as rough as they should've been, though. I didn't really understand that my life wasn't particularly normal. I did understand that my dad was mean, but I didn't think it was abnormal. It was when my father literally drunk himself to death and mother started taking care of me that I realized my life was kind of fucked up. I met people. Their homes were peachy. I knew mine was different, in the bad way. That's when I grew up.

The rain is falling pretty hard now. I can't see the house two doors down. Mother's dying bushes are obstructing it partially, but it wouldn't help if they were gone anyways.

Speaking of, mom pushed open the front door, joining me on the porch, but only for a second.

"I'm going to a friends house." She sighed, her words filling the emptiness like the smoke from her cigarette is filling my lungs: painfully and lacking care.

She always leaves. Some days I'd tell myself she's making an effort to be here for me, but it's becoming hard to have any faith in her.

"Vic is on his way. I expect you mind?" She asked, though it sounded more of a threat. Some times I feel like I'm a hassle. Something she couldn't care for, and wouldn't if she didn't have to.

I nodded, pulling the hoodie tighter around myself. Maybe if I pull the strings tight enough, I'll suffocate. One can only hope.

She carelessly bopped down the steps and slid into her front seat. It took only moments for her silver car to disappear somewhere within the mass of fog and rain.

I breathed in the humid air, exhaling a cloud of smoke.

Mother has smoked for a while now. I've thought about it, but I don't think I could bring myself to do it. The thought of something invading my body that doesn't belong kind of bothers me. If I die, I want to to be on my terms. Not at the hands of a narcotic or a carcinogen. The only thing that I'd allow to fill my lungs besides the necessary air, would be water. Only then water wouldn't be as beautiful as it usually it. Beautifully ripping me from this planet, but quite harshly to be seen as beautiful by anyone except me.

Why do I have to be the way I am? For once, I'd like to be normal. I don't want a piece of fucking metal to rule my life, but I can't see it any other way. That's what's so sad about it all: even if I wanted to get better, I couldn't. I'm far too deep to back out, but not quite deep enough. I want to be six feet deep, not standing here. Technically sitting. But who the hell cares.

It may be a bad thing, but I don't really see a future. I'm not sure if that means something. All I know is that it doesn't concern me as much as it should.

The headlights of an all too familiar car cut through the fog. It slowed and came to a stop in front of my house. The lights flicked off as the engine died. He got out, and I stood. Just as his first foot hit the bottom step, I had opened the door and already flopped down on the couch.

Out of everyone she could've gotten to babysit me, it had to be Vic? The air felt awkward enough as opposed to its usual awkwardness with our encounters. Yesterday's occurrences added to the tension and the willing I had in myself to not speak to him. I don't need anymore distracting thoughts clouding my mind than what already is. I have a plan, and I refuse to let him interfere.

"Kellin," I gave him time to say one word. One word too many. I pulled my phone out, plugged my headphones in, and hit shuffle skipping every sappy love song that I have which is surprisingly more than I would've thought.

I don't really know what I'm listening to. Some fucking song whose words sound so much like a jumbled mess of incoherent slurs but I guess that's all I know. Everything lately feels like a mess. I don't understand what's going on, or what that fucking feeling is. It has been there since the mall, since I said I'd let him in, lying of course, but some way he has forced himself down my throat and into my veins.

His lips felt so good against my own though. I felt something. God, I didn't want to. I still don't. I won't let just one person tether me to this awful planet. It's not worth it to live daily with these thoughts and the constant need to remind yourself that death is the only thing that awaits you. One person isn't going to make this life bearable.

A tug on my shirt sleeve made me flinch. I'm not too awfully used to human contact that has a nonviolent purpose. Sad, isn't it?

I jerked my headphones out, looking at him impatiently. Impatient for what, I couldn't tell you. I was just beyond annoyed with myself and these feelings.

"Please don't ignore me." He said with pleading eyes. No matter how heartless I'd like to think I am, I did feel a twinge of guilt.

"I'm not." I mumbled, turning my music off and slipping my phone in my pocket. Me can't very well accuse me of ignoring him if nothing else is occupying my attention. Well, inhabiting my ears that is.

"Bullshit Kellin." I involuntary flinched at his use of profanity. He hardly ever curses. Not towards me at least.

"I would still have my headphones in if I was." I countered. He sighed, leaning back in the chair he occupied.

"We need to talk." Of course. How did I not predict this?

Of course he wants to discuss this. Oh, it was just a mistake. He didn't mean it. It was just an impulse decision that didn't mean anything. I know what to expect.

"Go ahead." I motioned for him to go on. It's only prolonging the inevitable.

"Look, Kellin, I like you a lot. Just, not like that." I chuckled dryly. "It didn't mean anything." He said, sighing.

I forced a smile. I wouldn't make this any harder on him than it already was. The poor boy probably felt sorry for me.

"Of course." I said, twisting my fingers in directions that could only be painful. And it was. But I'd be feeling a hell of a lot more pain tonight. This is nothing. Just like the kiss was. Just like I'll be. Nothing.