Strings of Solace

Chapter 4

After he said the fateful yes, a long silence stretched between us — the future spouses. I mustered all my courage to ask the big question, and I didn't know how we should proceed from there.

"So," I said after I could no longer stand the silence. "Ahem, what do we do now?"

It wasn't lost on me that I, the person who started the whole thing, was asking this question, but I didn't know what to do next. Being so focused on the fact that I was going to ask someone something so outrageous, it never even occurred to me to think about the next step, to consider the practical matters that would follow his acceptance. Maybe I never expected him to agree to such a bizarre request.

"Now we go on a date," Stephen said without missing a beat.

"Excuse me?" I asked, my breathing short and shallow. "You might have misunderstood something here. I don't like you that way. This marriage would be as fake as Hollywood ones. Nothing whatsoever would happen between us. I don't know if you are saying this because you still like me or what, but remember what I said. I don't like you that way. It would be impossible between us."

"Mina," Stephen said firmly, interrupting what was bound to turn into an endless rambling. "Take a deep breath."

His soothing voice made me do so without consciously planning to obey him. However, feeling the relief the action brought, I continued breathing deeply. Luckily, he explained himself before I went into full panic mode.

"I'm talking about a fake date, of course," Stephen said, lowering his eyes to the table as if he had just noticed something fascinating about it. "But even for a fake date, fake marriage, we need to make it as realistic as possible, breaking none of the rules you set."

His words calmed me down significantly, but I was still somewhat suspicious of his intentions. It made me doubt my crazy decision and wonder if I was taking too big a risk just because I believed my gut feeling about him being a good guy a bit too much.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked, rubbing my temples as my brain tried to process everything too quickly.

"Well, if we are to make this work, we would have to go out on a few dates to learn about each other, about our likes and dislikes, things like that," Stephen said, his finger drawing strange patterns on the drop of water that slid down his glass and onto the table. "It sure would be embarrassing if I offered you something to eat in front of other people, and you were allergic to it. Even small things like getting your taste in something wrong might make them suspicious about our relationship."

Even though I didn't want to admit it, what he said made sense. In most Chinese dramas I've seen with a marriage deal, the little things were the ones that exposed the truth. It was always because they didn't know enough about each other, which made the others learn the truth and start judging them.

"Okay, that sounds reasonable enough," I said, my head feeling heavier and fuzzier than ever. "What did you have in mind for our first date?"

I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing, but I followed the advice I once got — to go with the flow. When making choices was too hard, following one's instincts seemed like the only way to go, and even though I felt I was acting like a crazy person, I went with my gut.

"Why don't we go to the city garden?" Stephen asked, his eyes scrutinizing my face, judging my expression.

A weak smile broke out on my tired face as I was too exhausted to even be as enthusiastic on the outside as I felt on the inside.

The city garden was the perfect place for me. It had beautiful flowers and trees that always made me smile. But more importantly, there was a little animal corner filled with some small animals such as rabbits, peacocks, baby goats, etc. It was a perfect little slice of nature in the middle of the bustling city that was always in a hurry, the one rare peaceful place that allowed you to slow down and relax.

"Wait a minute," I said, suspicion rising in my heart. "How did you know I loved that place?"

It was strange that he could guess it so perfectly. There had to be something amiss. I even contemplated him being a stalker or a serial killer for a split second because they always said those people were quiet, which was how Stephen was. However, I soon rejected those crazy ideas conjured up by my vivid imagination and focused on other possibilities.

"I didn't know you liked it, but I assumed it would be your kind of thing," he said, smiling knowingly.

"Why?" I asked, curiosity feeling like an actual burn on my skin.

"I remember in those days when we used to go from school to home together, you would always smile brightly at any animal that you saw on the way," Stephen said, smiling at the images that his words probably caused to run through his mind. "Even if we had a bad day at school, even if you were sad, you would always give them the brightest grin possible, something to eat if you had anything on you, and an affectionate pat if they allowed you to."

"Wow, you sure have an excellent memory," I said, embarrassed that he noticed those small things that I wasn't aware of. "I don't even remember that. I've always just loved animals and nature."

"How could I forget?" Stephen said with wistfulness. "That smile and your affectionate nature were among the first reasons I fell in love with you."

His words made me jump a little, startling me with their intensity. It made me feel even guiltier that I had rejected him so harshly in the past. I was sure I could have found a gentler way of telling him I wasn't interested in him romantically.

However, considering the pain and the self-loathing I was going through then, maybe just ignoring him was the least painful way to make him give up on me. If I hadn't done that, I could have said something horrible to him without meaning to, trying to push him away, both as a friend, or something more.

"Well, I guess you soon learned the error of your ways when I acted so horribly towards you later on," I said with self-loathing, unsure what I wanted him to say.

"No, I never thought less of you," Stephen said passionately. "Could you have rejected me in a better way? Probably. But at least you made it clear you weren't interested in me and never played with my feelings like some other women have later in life. I always thought you didn't know how to handle my growing feelings towards you because we were so young, so you just walked away."

I looked at my cold coffee, not wanting to look into his eyes because I saw tears gathering there. It was painful to watch because even though I didn't mean to — I had hurt this guy badly. The worst thing about it was that what I was doing at that moment could hurt him even worse, and I was no longer a child. I had no good excuse if I broke his heart again.

"Besides, even though you did your best to cut me out of your life, when I had a hard time finishing high school, when I wanted to give up on everything, you were the one who talked me out of it," he said, taking a deep breath, clearly trying to control whatever overwhelming emotion the memories brought up to the surface. "Even though you had been avoiding me for three years at that point, you still stepped out of the shadows and convinced me not to give up. You persuaded me that once I did so, I could get a job and live my life for myself, far away from the negative influence of my family. And I did. I'm where I'm now because of you."

His words felt like knives to my heart because even though he had a good job and a lot of wealth, he was clearly unhappy. No matter what he said — whether he still had feelings for me — I left a big wound in his heart. And maybe this was my chance to help it heal, to be his friend.

I couldn't help but wonder if that was also because of me. Did I make Stephen lose his confidence or his belief in love? Was that the reason he never found happiness in his marriage?

"Stephen," I said, feeling somewhat emotional. "Are you really sure you want to do this? I didn't think... I mean, I didn't consider... Won't this crazy idea of mine end up hurting you even more?"

"I'm sure that I want to marry you," he said resolutely.