Wrong Name, Wave

Chapter 9

Sa biyahe pa lang ay hindi na mapakali ang isip ko. Sinubukan kong panindigan ang takot sa boses ko nang tumawag siya dahil sa gawa-gawang dahilan pero umaatras ako. Magaling akong magpanggap pero sa lala ng pwedeng maidulot ng totoo kong pagkatao ay baka mas pipiliin ko na lang na walang malaman. 

The peace of not knowing may protect my shield, but the clarity after knowing heals that I wouldn't need a defense to guard me anymore.

For 5 years of having Evelyn around, I've familiarized myself with how her character swivels around being goofy and warm. She presents herself as the ideal friend and a sister. She's one of the few to behave towards me with patience and deep understanding despite my insensitive aura. 

And if her secrets would break me, then she's the greatest pretender. 

"You're safe here," she assured me, wearing her demure smile. 

Iisipin ko na lang muna na baka parte lang iyon ng trabaho niya at kailangan niyang protektahan ang kung sino mang nasa ilalim ng responsibilidad nila. 

"Pwede naman akong bumalik agad sa unit ko bukas." Tinulungan niya akong ayusin ang mga gamit ko pagkarating namin. 

"No. You'll stay here for a week muna habang hindi pa tayo nakakasigurong ligtas do'n." 

Siya ang pumilit sa 'kin na magtagal dito at sa loob-loob ko ay mas naging pabor iyon sa 'kin. Kailangan ko ng sapat na oras. 

"By the way, may iba pa bang bumabagabag sa 'yo? You look unwell." Kapag talaga usapang lungkot o sakit ay mabilis niya akong suriin. 

And maybe the blues that are stickered on my face wasn't all about the issue of finding out the person masking herself inside me; it's about how I was turned down by the man who has the potential of allowing me to be gentle with living. 

"Posible kaya akong magmahal?" Tila nagulat siya sa tanong ko. Kinukumbinsi ko ang sariling buksan lang ang topic na 'to para iligaw siya sa pagdududa pero alam kong may parte sa 'kin na gusto itong pag-usapan.

Hinila niya ako paupo sa couch at binigyan ako ng tinging nag-uutos na ipagpatuloy ang mga sasabihin. Ang atensyon niya'y tutok na tutok na sa 'kin. 

Sa totoo lang ay may gusto akong buoin na pakiramdam. It's not to merely experience a thing, but to give myself a chance to be capable of good feelings that everyone around me is signing up for. 

"I want to see myself being in love, being in contact with efforts, being in timeout for all the resentment that have been residing in me. Gusto kong malaman kung may pagmamahal pa bang natitira sa 'kin na maaari kong ibigay." 

I hope my poor disconnection stops breathing beside me. I hope it stops making sure that I'll never get a taste of actual freedom. Because it disgusts me how I am being reminded to be the easiest one to let go by everybody. 

"Siguro kasi hindi ko naramdaman 'yong pagmamahal na 'yon sa tahanan kung saan ko dapat makuha. That's why I'm silently looking forward to have it outside that house." 

When love finds me, I hope it stays. 

"But Ruth, I think you're just unaware of how loved you are by many here. You made it in this place. You were just too busy thinking you're undeserving of it." She squeezed my hand. She's too sweet that I'm beginning to fear these glancing goosebumps. 

Hindi lang ba ako kuntento dahil sa tingin ko may kulang pa rin o hindi pa ako tuluyang handa dahil pati sarili ko ay hindi ko magawang mahalin nang tama? 

"Spoil yourself first and all your other wants will follow."

Pagkatapos ng naging usapan namin ay kumain na kami. Siya ang nagluto habang ako ang nag-ayos sa lamesa.

"You look good with him," basag niya sa katahimikan. Kasalukuyan na kami ngayong nanonood ng series sa laptop niya habang naka squat sa kama.

"Who?"

"Wave." Kahit wala akong iniinom ay pakiramdam ko'y nabilaukan ako. 

That name is giving me mixed signals. 

"I'll never be a match to someone who's giving me a different name." Tumawa ito at ako naman ay napaismid lang sa dilim. Kumpara kanina ay mas magaan na ngayon ang kondisyon sa pagitan namin. 

Sa tagal ng pinapanood namin ay tuluyan na akong hinila ng antok. Nagising na lamang ako nang may marinig na usapan sa balcony. 

The curtain is being grooved by the air current, threatening to enter inside. I'm still in deep status with my dreams when my feet starts to force me to move them outside. 

Dahan-dahan akong naglakad at maingat na sumilip sa labas. Evelyn is facing the city lights while talking to someone in the phone. Mababaw lang ang boses nito pero sapat na para marinig ko. 

"Don't worry I'm being mindful. Ginagawa ko naman nang maayos ang trabaho ko e. I don't want to put it in waste."

Her body movements are plain, but the tone of her words has an off-beat of message. It's unclear but I have this instinct telling me that the answers I've been looking for are exactly what I'm hearing now. Kailangan ko lang ng iba pang ebidensiya para tuluyang luminaw ang mga ito. 

"She's doing fine. She's almost there and I can't wait to see that version of her. Sana hindi na humaba pa 'yong pagtitiis ko dahil hindi na ako makapaghintay." Nang maramdaman kong lilingon ito sa likod ay agad kong sinara ang maliit na awang ng kurtina. 

I can't let her catch me. 

"The black folder? Oh yeah, tinago ko. She shouldn't see that. It's not yet time to kill her with the truth." The laugh that came out from her mouth after saying that was very misleading with the Evelyn I got introduced at. It was like she's mocking a major-league scene, which happened for the first time. 

"Huwag kang mag-alala kay Wave. May kailangan lang tayo sa kanya—'yon lang 'yon. Be bothered about Ruth kasi baka siya ang may gawin kapag nalaman na niya ang tungkol sa pagkatao niya."

The information that were serving as notifications for my spirit of curiosity hit like dusts I didn't know exist. What is she up to? 

At this point, hindi ko na alam kung ano na ang dapat na isipin at maramdaman. Nagiging manhid ka pala tuwing may nalalaman. 

Nilabanan ko ang kagustuhang magpakita sa kanya at direkta siyang tanungin. I'll reserve the confrontation some other time. Hindi ito ang tamang gawin sa ngayon dahil hindi rin sapat na ako lang ang gagawa. 

If there's someone who also deserves to be discharged from being confined to sickness of memories, it's Wave. Kailangan ko siyang makausap para dito. Pero hindi ko siya kayang harapin kung ituturing pa rin niya ako bilang nakaraan niya. But maybe I need to take a little risk.

Then Evelyn's last words before she ended the call kept me awake. 

"See you soon. I love you."