"If you enter at 8:59, I will manifest your speedy exit with my eyes."
Let's be clear:
When the lights dim and the music cuts off, that's not ambiance—it's a threat.
⸻
🧯 Step 1: Decode the Late Customer Mindset
Late shoppers believe:
• Closing time is fake
• Staff are immortal
• "I'll be quick" means 45 minutes of emotional therapy in aisle 3
Your face says:
"Please leave."
Your mouth says:
"Take your time :)"
Your soul? Already home watching Netflix.
⸻
💡 Step 2: Drop the Not-So-Subtle Hints
Tactics include:
• Turning off lights aisle by aisle like a horror film
• Mopping aggressively near their feet
• Making loud announcements like:
"WE CLOSE IN 1 MINUTE. PLEASE GATHER YOUR REGRETS."
Bonus: Play the Titanic theme song over the speakers.
⸻
🔒 Step 3: Become the Lock-In Legend
If they're still browsing after closing:
• Start locking the doors behind them
• Slowly put up the "CLOSED" sign
• Whisper:
"You're not trapped with us. We're trapped with you."
At exactly 9:01, vanish. Not emotionally. Physically. Lights off. No trace. Just vibes.
⸻
💬 Confessions from the 9PM Warriors:
"A lady asked if I could open a new billing counter at 9:02. I asked if she believed in ghosts."
— Priya, Spiritually Shut
"He said 'I'll be fast.' He left at 9:40. I aged two years that shift."
— Manav, Emotionally Expired
⸻
🚨 End of Chapter Reminder:
This is satire, babe. But seriously—respect closing time. Staff need food, freedom, and 8 hours of recovery from you. 🕰️🛑💅
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