I Will Try To Fix You(Denis Stoff)

Chapter Five: Tattoo

*Taylor*
  I woke the next morning, alone in my bunk. I took the now dried cloth off my forehead and walked into the living room. Ben was asleep on the couch, cuddling with his guitar. I shook my head, how do you fall asleep playing guitar? There's really no telling with Ben. I took a quick picture and then I walked over and gently took the guitar out of his hands and put it back in the case. He shifted and then settled for wrapping his arms around himself. I then took the blanket from the back of the couch and laid it over him. I looked at the time, it is only three in the morning. There is no way, I'm going to be going back to sleep. So I decided to draw. I ended up drawing a panda bear sitting in a teacup. I don't know why a panda would be in a tea cup, but why not? I looked up when I heard talking coming from the bunk area, soon enough that became screams.
   "No! Don't!"
I immediately ran into the bunk area. It was Denis. I immediately ripped his curtain open. He was tangled in his sheets and blanket. I gently laid a hand on his arm. He calmed and rolled over. His eyes popped open and relief washed over his face. He wrapped his arms around my middle and buried his face into my tummy. I gently brushed his tangled hair back. After a few minutes, his grip loosed and he laid back down.
   "Will you stay with me? At least until I go back to sleep?"
He asked.
   "Of course."
I said.
  I slid in beside him. He rested his head on my chest and grabbed his arms back around my middle. I gently played with his hair and hummed a random tune. A little while later, his soft snores echoed through the bunk. I tried to slid out, but his grip tighten. I sighed and just laid there, playing on my phone. After a few hours, Denis shifted. His grip around my waist loosened and he sat up.
   "You didn't have to stay."
He said, his voice cracking slightly.
   "Well, I tried to leave, but when I moved your grip tightened and I couldn't move without waking you up so I stayed."
He blushed and looked down.
   "Sorry."
He said.
   "Its okay. You had a nightmare. Its understandable that you didn't want to stay alone afterwards."
I said.
   "Yeah, thanks for even coming to check on me. I didn't mean to wake you up."
He said.
   "You didn't wake me up. I went to bed super early last night so I woke up early. I had to pry Ben's guitar away before he dropped it. He was cuddling with it when I woke up this morning."
I said.
  He chuckled.
   "I hope you got a picture."
He said.
  I pulled it up on my phone and showed it to him. He laughed, quietly.
   "I swear he falls asleep in the weirdest ways. One morning I woke up and he was halfway hanging out of his bunk, upside down. I had to move him back before he fell out and gave himself brain damage or something."
He said.
  I chuckled.
   "Yeah, I've woken up a time or two in some weird positions."
I said.
   "Me too. One morning after a party with my old band, we tried to find our keys to go get some breakfast and someone had drunk glued them to a table."
He said, laughing.
   "How do you even manage?"
I asked, giggling.
   "To this day, I haven't figured that one out. Then there was a time I ended up half out of the bus window and half in. Thank goodness it wasn't moving or anything."
He said.
  I chuckled.
   "I think the worst way to wake up is in a hospital bed and they tell you your fiancée and little girl is gone and they had to do surgery to remove your daughter from your body."
I said.
Denis gently rubbed my shoulders.
   "I'm sure one day you will find someone and you guys will fall in love and have a baby."
He said.
  I sighed.
   "I don't know if I can handle it. I mean what if they end up getting killed too? I just have really bad luck with love."
I said.
   "I'm sure you'll find someone that can show you how it feels to be loved again."
He said.

*Denis*
  It killed me to hear her talk about not knowing if she can ever find someone again. I want to be the one to fix her, even if it tears my heart apart trying to do it.

*Taylor*
  Me and Denis talked a little while longer before we shuffled into the living room. Ben had just sat up and was rubbing his eyes. He looked around disoriented.
   "Where's my guitar?"
He asked.
   "I came in here around three and put it back in the case. You were cuddling with it and I figured it would be a good idea to put it in the case before you dropped it."
I said.
   "Oh thanks love."
He said.
   "You welcome. I also threw the blanket over you. It can get pretty cold in here at night and you were only in skinny jeans."
I said.
   "Oh, okay. I was wondering how it got there. I should have actually went to my bunk. I don't even remember falling asleep."
He said.
   "I don't know. I walked in here and that's how you were asleep."
I said.
   "I saw you and Denis come out of his bunk earlier, what was that all about?"
He asked, raising his eyebrows.
   "I had a nightmare and asked her to stay with me until I fell asleep, but apparently I wouldn't let her go."
Denis said.
   "I'm hurt, you usually come wake me up."
Ben said, pouting his bottom lip out.
  I laughed and Denis crossed his arms.
   "This one was worst Ben. They keep getting worst."
He said, looking down.
  Ben sighed.
   "Denis one day you are going to have to do something. You can't let this torture you every night."
He said.
  I was confused, what haunts Denis? He sighed.
   "I know, Ben. I don't know what to do?"
He said.
   "Get closure, Denis. That is really all you can do right now. See if that works."
He said.
  Denis nodded. He then ran a hand through his hair.
   "So, Ben remember how you said you knew some good places to get tattoos?"
I asked.
   "Yeah. You ready to get yours?"
He asked.
  I nodded. I have been ready for a while now, I just haven't found the courage to get it done.
   "Yeah. I've been ready, but this is the first time I've ever gotten enough courage built up to do it."
I said.
   "I'll call my friend. He has a good place in Tennessee. He usually comes to the bus that way you can be comfortable."
He said.
  I nodded.
   "Will he be able to finish it today?"
I asked.
   "Yeah, he should be able to. It shouldn't take him long to do what you want."
Ben said.
   "Okay. I'm thinking about getting another one though, like on my side."
I said.
   "What are you wanting to get on your side?"
He asked.
   I walked over to my sketchbook. I flipped to the page. It was an anchor around the size of maybe a softball with a rope intertwined with small flowers and a dragonfly resting on it under it the words 'I refuse to sink' were scrolled carelessly.
   "That might take a while. It might be best to wait on getting that one. You said you were spending Christmas with us so we can get it done then. We usually get the week of Christmas off."
He said.
   "Okay. That's fine. You know what's best when it comes to tattoos."
I said.
  Ben nodded.
   "I've gotten quite a few."
He said.
  I chuckled. I heard Denis sigh from behind me. I turned to look. He had both hands on the counter, his head hung down. One hand a death grip on his phone.
   "What's wrong mate?"
Ben asked, walking over.
   "Its tormenting me again. They keep saying everything is my fault. Its not my fault."
He said.
  Ben gently rubbed his shoulder. What the actual crap is going on right now? Ben seemed to notice my confusion.
   "Not my story to tell, love."
He said.
  I nodded. Denis took a deep breath and turned to me. He had a tortured look on his face. He gently grabbed my hand and pulled me into the back room. We sat on the couch. He took another deep breath.
   "This is probably doing to change your opinion on me forever, but I can't leave you in the dark about it."
He said, looking down.
  I gently tilted his face up.
   "Denis, whatever it is I'm sure its not your fault."
I said.
  He sighed.
   "Back before I left Ukraine, there was this girl. I had been dating her for almost a year and a half. We were in love, or so I thought. She was cheating on me the entire time. We went to a park a few weeks before I left and I was going to ask her to come with me. She said she needed to talk to me, we sat down on a bench away from everyone. There she told me she was pregnant. Then before I could piece something to say together, she told me it wasn't mine. She told me she had been cheating on me for the past five months. I got really mad, and I went to walk home. She got up to follow me, she went to cross the street, she didn't see the car. I tried to save her, I didn't get there in time. She passed away as did the baby. They did tests and the baby wasn't mine, but my old band mates."
He said.
  He was quiet for a second, then he started to talk again.
   "Then, her family started to send me hate and death threats. I tried to tell them what happened, but they wouldn't listen. They just told me to leave. They wouldn't let me attend her funeral. They blamed everything on me. I tried everything I could to save her. I did everything I could. I called an EMT and I tried CPR and all of that. She was dead on impact."
He said, looking down.
  I gently snaked my arms around him as he started crying. After a while, his sobs turned into sniffles and he pulled back, wiping at his face.
   "You can go ahead and yell and call me a monster. I'll understand."
He said.
  I shook my head.
   "No, I'm not going to. I felt the same way when I lost Chase. I apologized millions of times to his family, and I don't think to this day that they have forgiven me for it. It was an accident. We didn't know it was going to storm and we couldn't see the tree limb in the road. They mostly blamed it on me because I was the one who wanted to go into town and get some I've cream. I was pregnant. I had cravings."
I said.
  He looked up, he looked shocked.
   "That's a better reaction than I thought."
He said.
  I chuckled.
   "Thanks for telling me. It means a lot that you trust me enough to tell me."
I said.
  He smiled.
   "It means a lot that you didn't yell and scream at me. I mean the guys didn't when I told them and I guess I thought you would."
He said.
   "I'm not going to Denis. I know how you feel. I got the same thing from Chase's family. They didn't want to accept the fact that I lost two people. I lost my best friend, my fiancée, and my baby girl. They didn't understand that I went to a mental institution for almost a year."
I said.
  Denis gently rubbed my back.
   "How did you get closure?"
He asked.
   "I went to the grave and just let out everything I was feeling and then I said that I had finally accepted that they were gone, and they were in a better place. Its hard letting go, but once you do you'll feel a lot better. They won't haunt you. They'll stop haunting your dreams."
I said.
  Denis nodded.
   "Would you be willing to go with me when I go to get closure?"
He asked.
  I sighed and bit down on my bottom lip. Would it be a good idea? Sometimes its harder to get actual closure when you have someone with you.
   "I'll think about it."
I said.
  He nodded. There was a knock on the door. Then Ben popped his head in.
   "Hey Taylor, the guy who's doing your tattoo is here."
He said.
   "Alright."
I said.
  Me and Denis then walked out. The guy doing the tattoo smiled as I walked in.
   "So you're Taylor?"
  I nodded.
   "Yes sir. I don't believe I ever caught your name."
I said.
   "Oh you can call me Brent."
He said.
   "Very nice to meet you."
I said.
   "Nice to meet you as well. So do you know what you are looking to get today?"
He asked.
  I nodded and grabbed my sketch book. I turned to the page with the I Won't Give In tattoo.
  "Okay, do you want to draw the stencil up since you have it in a fancy font?"
He asked.
   "I can if I need to. Back when I was a teenager I used to work in a tattoo shop drawing up the stencils."
I said.
   "Huh, they let you do that?"
Brent asked.
   "Yeah, they said they couldn't give me a job tattooing or piercing, but I could run the register and draw stencils. I worked there a good while until my mom found out about it and threw a fit. She hates the idea of piercings and tattoos. She went ballistic when I came home with my ears pierced."
I said.
   "She didn't give you much freedom did she?"
He asked, as I handed him the stencil.
   "I was the black sheep out of the family. I was the outcast so to speak. She favored my older brother and younger sister more than me. They were in her eyes perfect children. They didn't dress in black, they didnt cut their wrists when things got tough. She didn't like the imagine I caused the family to have, I guess."
I said, shrugging.
  He nodded, filling the tattoo machine with ink.
   "Do you want your tattoo to start on your left arm or your right arm?"
He asked.
   "Well, I want others to be able to read it when I hold my arms out so the right arm I guess."
I said.
  He nodded and placed the stencils. I held extremely still to avoid messing it up. He pulled the paper away and the ink stayed behind.
   "You ready?"
He asked.
  I nodded, slightly. I'm actually really nervous. He turned on the tattooing gun and started. It hurt a bit to begin with and then my arm finally went numb.
   "You alright, love?"
Ben asked.
   "I'm good."
I said.
  Once Brent finished with that arm he wiped it down some some kind of disinfectant.
   "I'll wait to wrap it that way you can see the entire thing when it gets finished."
He said.
   "Okay."
I said.
  I winced slightly when he first started with my left wrist, because it was the most sensitive. Then it finally went numb like the other did. He finally got finished and wiped down that arm as well.
   "There you are all finished."
He said.
   "I'll go run and get my wallet, how much do I owe you?"
I asked.
   "You're good, Ben paid for it."
I sighed.
   "I'm going to kill him."
I muttered under my breath.
   "Well you can go and look at it and then I'll wrap it so it doesn't get infected."
He said.
  I walked over to the mirror hanging on the wall in the little hallway. Ben flicked on the light. I held out my arms and looked at them.
   "That's sick!"
I exclaimed.
   "Glad, you like it."
Brent said.
  I wrapped my arms around his neck.
   "Thank you so much. It means a lot that you could come out at such short notice."
I said.
   "No problem, Taylor. Its cool. Its always a pleasure working with the boys and someone around them. They are honestly humble people."
He said.
  I smiled.
   "Okay, come back out so I can take a picture and post it on instagram."
Ben said.
  We all laughed at him, but did as he said. I held my arms out. He took a quick picture. He typed something and then showed it to me.
   'Our photographer @tatortots25 just got this amazing tattoo! Glad we could help plan out this tattoo!'
  I laughed and shook my head, but hit post. It posted and in an instant there were tons of comments and likes. Ben laughed and closed it out.
   "So we have about am hour before show time. Me and the boys are already ready, so what are we going to do?"
Denis asked Jason as Brent wrapped up my tattoos.
   "I guess you guys have free time."
He said.
  The boys cheered. I chuckled and shook my head. I made sure both of my batteries were charged before I grabbed my camera and snapped a few pictures of the boys taking turns playing video games and such. I then turned off my camera and put it on charge to make sure it was still fully charged. I also made sure to add an extra memory card in my pocket. Ben walked over and grabbed a bottle of water from the mini fridge. I sighed and leaned against the counter. It is almost the anniversary of when Chase and our baby girl died and it kills me every time it comes around.
   "Are you okay, love?"
He asked.
   "Yeah, its just it is nearing the anniversary of the car crash and it is the first year I'm not going to be able to carry flowers like I usually do."
I said, looking down.
   "What day is it love?"
He asked.
   "On Saturday. He transfered with me to California where the wreck happened, but he was shipped back to Florida. That's where he wanted to be buried."
I said, blinking back tears.
   "Love, we will be in Florida on Saturday. Me and the mates will go with you."
He said.
   "Okay."
I said, wiping a fallen tear.
  He sighed.
   "Do you want me to send Denis in? He seems to know how to comfort you better than anybody else."
He said.
   "No, its fine. Everything is okay now. Thank you, Ben. For this job, the tattoo, coming with me this weekend. It means a lot. You guys are like family to me that I haven't had in a long time."
I said.
  He smiled.
   "Its not a big deal."
He said, shrugging.
   "It is to me. How am I ever going to repay you guys?"
   "But putting up with us an entire tour and taking our pictures."
He said.
  I laughed. We then walked back into the living room. We both plopped down on the floor because the other guys had taken up the entire couch. They had decided to put on Edward Scissorhand, which happened to be one of my favorite movies. Once it was finished, Jason called for soundcheck. I grabbed my camera and extra battery and followed behind. I took pictures as the boys walked through the hallways and as they got their equipment on and ready. Once they finished soundcheck, they all showered. I just wandered around this time. I bumped into someone, knocking me to the ground. I looked up and it was Andy.
   "Oh my God, I'm so sorry Taylor! Are you okay?"
He asked, helping me up.
   "I'm good."
I said.
  Then he seemed to notice the bandages around my wrist. He looked at me concerned.
   "Don't get the wrong idea, I got my tattoo done today."
I said.
   "Can I see?"
He asked.
   "Sure."
I said.
  He helped me unwrap them and I held my arms out. He smiled.
   "It actually turned out really well. I like it."
He said.
   "Thanks. I got it as a reminder of how strong I am. How good my life is and to represent the fact that I refuse to go back to what my life used to be."
I said.
  Andy smiled.
   "I'm really proud of you."
He said.
  He wouldn't be proud if he knew about the mental institution.
   "Thanks Andy. I'm really happy to bury the hatchet so to speak."
I said.
  He nodded.
   "Yeah. So how's life been treating you?"
He asked.
   "As of right now, things are great. I hit a rough patch last year, but everything is good now."
I said.
   "What kind of rough patch?"
He asked.
   "I don't think its really a conversation to be having in a venue like this right now."
I said.
   "We can go back to the dressing rooms. The guys usually watch the other sound checks."
He said.
  I sighed. Am I really ready to tell him? I guess its now or never.
   "Okay."
I said, finally.
   "Alright."
He said.
  He then lead me back to their dressing room. We sat down on the couch.
   "Now talk. What is it that you couldn't tell me in there?"
He demanded.
  I sighed and then took a deep breath.
   "Back before I transfered to the campus to California, I met this guy. His name was Chase. We instantly became good friends, and soon we confessed we had feelings for each other. Well, after about three months of us dating, my father passed away. I had to get out, so we transfered to the California campus. Well, four months after we transfered, Chase proposed. He said that he wanted to be my forever. A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. We were so happy. We were getting married and having a baby. What could go wrong? Well, one day I wanted ice cream and we didn't have any in the house. It was sunny and pretty when we left, but on the way home we ran into a terrible storm. A tree limb had fallen in the road, we didn't see it. We hit it, Chase lost control of the car. We crashed. I woke up in the hospital, with no one. I no longer had Chase or our baby girl. I lost both of them."
I said, looking down.
  I immediately felt Andy's arms snake around my waist.
   "I'm so sorry. Why didn't you call us?"
He asked.
   "I couldn't. They found out about my past and thought that it was for the best that they place me in a mental institution until I got over everything. The only time I ever left for almost a year was to attend the funerals."
I said.
  Before Andy could say anything, their tour manager, John, stuck his head into the room.
   "Andy you are on in five. They need you out here to get your equipment."
He said.
  Andy nodded.
   "I'll text you. You still have the same number right?"
He asked.
   "Yeah, its the same."
I said.
   "Alright."
He said, walking out.
  I trailed behind until I was outside of the boys dressing room. I walked inside and sat on the couch.
   "You okay, love?"
Denis asked.
   "I told Andy about Chase."
I said.
  He hugged me, and gently rubbed my back.
   "You'll be okay."
He said.
  I sighed and nodded.
   "I know. One day everything will manage to fall into place for me."
I said.
   "You and me both."
He said, chuckling.
  We then just sat around and joked like we normally would do on the tour bus. Then Jason came in.
   "Asking, you have about five minutes."
He said, sitting on the chair in the corner.
  They all walked out and I followed. The stage crew helped them get their equipment on and as normal I snapped a few pictures and was lead to where I would be shooting from today. The boys came on and I made sure to capture everything that they did. Including when Denis leaned against the baracade and was singing. They all made sure that I got at least one picture of them sticking their tongues out as well. Once the concert was finished the boys all went backstage and I snapped a few pictures of the crowd before they started leaving. I was then shown the way back to the backstage area. I snapped pictures of the boys as they were drying the sweat off and what not. They then decided to all bear hug me. This the Jason took a picture of with my camera I had placed ontop of a speaker. I groaned and pushed them away.
   "Are you going to do this every night?"
I complained.
   "More than likely."
James said.
  I sighed.
   "I guess I should get used to it then?"
   "Yes, you should."
Sam said as Cameron slung me over his shoulder.
   "Ahh! Put me down!"
I exclaimed, hitting his back.
  He laughed and carried me all the way back to the bus before he put me down. I smacked his arm.
   "Meanie."
I said, pouting.
  He laughed and started tickling me. Soon all of the guys had joined in. When they stopped we all ended up laying in the floor. John gave us weird looks and sat my camera on the counter. He had been taking pictures. He then grabbed a sticky note pad and a pen and scribbled something down on it and stuck it to the top of my camera.
   "Tomorrow you need to post pictures from the first two shows. There's the login information for Facebook and instagram."
He said.
  I yawned and nodded.
   "Okay. I'll work on it tomorrow. I think I'm about to head on to bed. I had an early morning and I'm exhausted."
I said.
  The guys all said their goodnights and headed off to change for bed as well. I pulled on some yoga pants and a black tank top before climbing into my bunk and falling fast asleep.