Emeralds

Forty-five.

Forty-five
[Leen]

My heartbeats are louder than my footsteps. One step at a time, with a hand supporting me. I forgot everything I've been preparing for days, and it's suddenly as if I forgot how to speak. It's hard to control my shuddering limps. I keep clasping my hands, my fingernails digging into my skin. My finger are too cold that I think if I don't hold them hard enough they'd fall off.

I hear people talking, whispering, laughing and I hear the flapping of paper. It all increases my anxiety; but also lets me know I've made it, I've succeeded.

The girl by my side walks with me and we're on the stage. She put the microphone in my hand and I tighten my grip around it as if my life depends on it.
Come on Leen, talk!

"At that time, four years ago, when I knew I can never see again, when the impossibility was the only certainty, I wanted to die."

There are supposed to be about five hundred people in front of me now. Some of them are like me, can't see, and some others can. Everyone is listening to me, and suddenly, for the first time in my life I'm not afraid to talk anymore, I'm not shy, and I'm not intimidated by the crowd. Honestly, I feel more confident than ever, I want my voice to get louder, the crowd to get bigger, and my words to seep out of the hall walls and to each person who needs them. I do not want to stop.

"I was haunted by the thoughts that my life had stopped, that I'm living in vain, that at the end I will find nothing to look back to, no results or outcomes. I was terrified that I will live the rest of my life as a ghost of a person, a meaningless addition to human population, an empty name and identity. I was afraid I'd decay somewhere between all those thoughts. Imagining a fruitless life is the scariest thing you can encounter; it makes the heart beat suddenly loud and fast; it hurts."

I approach the table I know is behind me to lean on it, and my fingertips touch a hard edge, a paperback.

"But those thoughts did not stay for long, or you wouldn't have seen me today here, telling you this, discussing my first book, the one most of you read or are about to read. I will not lie and tell you that the entire four years after my surgery were bright and successful, I had gone through terrible times, I had lost it too many times, I had failed and fallen and cried and stumbled and lost my way and hurt people I love. But I always went back on my track. I was not there in that world alone, I had people I love beside me. My husband, my mom and dad, my best friend, my sister and brother, my husband's sister, my husband's best friend and siblings. I have a huge family which I couldn't have kept moving on without. Thinking that your life will become more dependable on others shouldn't be a reason to put you down until you can't do anything at all. You should try to live on no matter what, you have to find your way out of the cage of incapabilities our handicap has put us inside. Now that you'll need more help from people around you, you should be willing to do even more things than normal people, with the greater power you have."

I know everyone I mentioned is seated in front of me, among the crowd, and I wish I can see them and smile at them.

"You won't be completely satisfied, you will always keep wishing you see again. You will keep wanting to see people you love, see words and not touch them, see places, food, TV, even stare at the wall. I do miss all of that, yeah, I miss staring at the wall, tracing cracks, I miss the colours and the sunlight and the way I stack my books. The thing I miss the most is seeing my kids, the ones I've never seen with my eyes, and nothing is harder than missing something you haven't done before."

Sana and Mostafa. My gift from Allah. Sana was like Allah is telling me He hasn't forgotten me, He hasn't stopped his blessings. He is still going to give me more beautiful things.