Emeralds

Forty-one.

Both of us jump on him, and we all fall to the floor.
"Adam are you still alive?" I ask.
"I'm not sure," he says in a muffled voice. "Mariam get off me, I can't breathe!"
"Leen is on top of me!" she says breathlessly. I laugh so hard that I can't get up.
"Oh my God, I think I'll die!" I say between my laughters.
"Then what about me?" Mariam yells.
"Or me?!" Adam says from the bottom.
***
At night, after praying Al-Isha we start our Umrah. I hold onto Adam's arm as we revolve around the Kaaba.

Although I can't see it, I can still feel it. Feel the atmosphere where I prayed for the life I'm having now. Like I said before, I prayed to have someone like Adam when I was here before and now I'm here again, revolving around Allah's house with the one I've prayed for. It's too overwhelming it makes me cry. I try to hide it from Adam but then I start sniffling and making noises as I cry.

He raises my chin so he sees my face, I just smile at him and nod, and we continue.

After we're done with everything it's time to cut our hair and for men to shave their heads.
***
"Stop it Mariam!" Adam says, annoyed.
"I'm sorry I just can't-" Mariam laughs too hard.
"Do we look that bad?" Ahmed asks self-consciously.
His question makes her giggle even more, "You look hilarious!"
Adam grumbles as we walk back to the hotel.

Once we get in our room I hear Adam throwing himself on the bed.
"I wish I could see you," I smile sadly.
"No you don't," he laughs.
"Well-"
"What's that look on your face?" he interrupts me. "You will see again, and I'll make sure to shave then so you can laugh at me."
I smile, "Do you think I'll see again?"
"I love to believe so," he says and it surprises me that he didn't say 'yes' right away. "You should do the same, we need the strength hope gives, you know."
"I know," I nod slowly.
"So," he draws a lungful of air, "we gotta pack up."
"Yes," I reply. "We are supposed to meet the doctor tomorrow evening?"
"Inshallah."

Adam packs up and I help by bringing our stuff from the closet, drawers and the bathroom. He asked me not to, but I want to do it, I wanted to feel less useless. Even though he'll end up taking another look after I'm done, in case I miss anything.
"Are Mariam and Ahmed coming with us?" I ask.
"It was important that Mariam comes with us here so she can look after you in the masjid when I can't be there, but in Germany I can take care of you on my own, so it depends on them."
"Aha," I nod.

Later into the night we check out with Mariam and Ahmed and stop a taxi to the airport. Adam helps me get off the taxi and we walk inside.

We get on the plane, but this time Mariam and I don't chat, we don't tease the guys, we do nothing. Each one of the four of us is deeply immersed in seas and oceans of random thoughts, letting the waves sway us for the time being, because it's okay not to be stable for a while.

I can't stop the anxiety breathing inside my cells, I can't get rid of the quiver it causes. Adam puts his hand on mine reassuringly, he lets out a breath of a smile, and once again, I know it's okay to quiver. It's okay to be afraid of facing the truth soon, will I be able to see again? What if I really have to go through a surgery-and most probably that's gonna happen? It's scary to think about the pain, it's even scarier than actually being in pain. And just that thing-pain-I cannot bear it.

When we're coming down the plane, and although Adam is holding my hand, I keep stumbling and running into people. Adam finally puts an arm around my shoulder until we're safe inside the airport, far from the crowds.

"I think we should buy you a cane," he says letting go of me.
"Yeah, I was about to lose my mind there," Mariam says, "it'll help you at least know before you stumble upon something."
"Come on," Ahmed says. "Let's catch a cab, I drop you off at the hotel and go buy one."
"Okay," Adam says. "Ahmed I-"
"Let's go," Ahmed cuts him off and we walk to the gates after finishing the boring airport routine.