If Only

Chapter 34 - Every Single Time

The day had flown by, and I hadn't gotten the chance to see her besides when I had checked on her this morning before leaving. She had been sleeping soundly then, but I wondered how long she had been able to lay in that bed before memories and loss clouded her thoughts.

"I'm going to see her," I stated, grabbing a water and a protein bar from the cabinet before heading towards the stairs, knowing full well the bad eating habits she had picked up and adopted when she felt out of control or upset.

"She might just need some time to herself, Greyson," Lizzy said, causing me to reconsider, just for a second.

The unsure, uncertain part of me wanted to leave her be, to make sure that I didn't cross any boundaries.

The larger part of me wanted to be there for her, to say to hell with boundaries, and that we had already crossed plenty of them already.

"I'm going to see her," I repeated, walking up the stairs and towards her room.

She had dealt with this grief on her own for too long, and even though I knew she wasn't going to be eager to lean on me, I wanted her to know that she could. That I would be honored to be that solid, unmoving rock to ground her.

I knocked on the door of her room, her heartbeat the only sound I could hear from behind it. She made no move to answer the door, and I wondered if she had heard it and didn't care or if she had simply zoned everything out.

"Sammy," I said, knocking against the door again.

Still no answer.

"Sam-"

"I...I'm fine. Just feeling a little sick, " she croaked, making it clearly evident she had been crying, and a pang shot through me at her words.

"I brought you some food," I urged, hoping to find a way to convince her to open the door.

"I'm not hungry. S-sorry, thanks though," she sniffed, her words raw and sending a stabbing pain to my heart.

Even crying and trying to send me away, she's worried about hurting my feelings.

"You don't have to apologize," I reminded her.

My words were only met with silence, and as I was wracking my mind for ways to get her to open the door, I heard soft footsteps padding towards me. She cracked the door open, her eyes tracing the ground.

Her hair was down, and maybe more messy than I had ever seen it, tangled and unruly due to her obviously having run her hands through it. Large pajama pants adorned her lower half, though they didn't show too much considering my sweatshirt was hanging from her small frame. A feeling I had only known since meeting her swelled inside of me at the sight of her in my clothes.

"Thank you," she said, too kind to leave me at the doorway, and I could practically hear her fighting to keep her voice calm as she fought the tears away.

"It's alright to be sad, darlin'. You don't have to push me away," I reasoned, watching as her hands fumbled with the necklace that she now wore at all times.

"N-no, no, I'm fine. I'm...it's good," her voice cracked again, her body shaking.

"Hey, we agreed to do this together, yeah?" I rasped, reaching my knuckle out to her chin, trying to raise her eyes from the floor.

Her head rose slowly, and I watched as she swallowed harshly in an unsuccessful fight to keep her lips from trembling.

"I miss her," she whimpered, and that truth was all it took for the floodgates to open.