If Only

Chapter 28 - The Only Reason

I wasn't sure what was wrong, but from what I could tell, he had only been acting this way towards me. This distance between us was strictly between the two of us, and I needed to find out why so I could fix it.
"Listen...I don't know if I did something to upset you or-"

"Oh my God. You're killing me right now. No, you did nothing wrong, okay. You haven't done anything wrong at all," he said, his breaths turning heavier.

"Then what is it," I pressed, knowing he was close revealing whatever had been plaguing his mind.

"It's me!"

"What about you? What's going on?" I asked him quietly.

"It's about me being a piece of shit friend to you," he revealed, and I was sure my breaths stopped.

"What?" I choked out.
"I haven't done a single thing for you," he breathed, his feet beginning to pace across the floor.

"Zane, what are you talking about? You've done everything for me. You and everyone else here," I responded, stunned as to how he could not see that.

"We're with you all the time, I am with you all the time. I should have fucking known," he seethed, his hands running through his hair harshly.

A lump got caught in my throat as it felt like my chest collapsed. Did he really feel guilt? How could he feel guilty for something that was completely out of his control? For something that he had absolutely nothing to do with?

"Listen to me, okay? None of you could have known. I was acting, and I got good at it. That's not on you, this is me, all me," I responded, desperately trying to convince him.

"Would you listen to yourself! How is any of this on you? He's fucked with your head so much he's got you thinking everything is your fault!"

My mouth opened immediately to negate his words, but I shut it just as fast. I wasn't sure I had it in me to lie any more, so instead I steered the conversation back to him. Back to where it needed to be.

"We're not talking about that right now. We're talking about you, about this guilt you're carrying around but have no reason to."

"There's plenty of reason."

"No, there's not. I'll tell you until I'm blue in the face and have grey hair, none if this is on you. If anything, you guys were the only reason that I didn't just... That I kept going." His hardened features started to fade from anger and more into sadness as he listened to my words.

"Sam-"

"The farthest thing you should feel is guilt. You guys did everything for me, even if you didn't know it." I said, cutting off whatever he was about to say. I didn't want to talk about me right now, he was the one who had been carrying this weight on his shoulders, and I needed to take it off.

"I didn't know," he swallowed harshly. "I didn't know that it was that bad. That you were hurting that bad," he breathed, and I felt that truth that I had finally dared to speak aloud weighing on me.

"That's not the point," I began, my eyes falling to the floor for a moment. "The point is, you were there for me in every way that counted. You cannot blame yourself for not catching what was going on when I was spending every bit of my energy on hiding it from you. I knew you, everyone, but especially you, wouldn't allow it to happen anymore. And I wasn't going to let you put yourself in danger like that."

"I can't stop thinking that if you had known about us, none of this would've happened. If we would've told you what we were, you would've been able to understand that Josh and Tyson weren't a threat to us," he said quietly, his voice thick with emotion I wasn't sure I had ever heard from him.

"Zane, a secret like this is one that's supposed to stay in your family. It's not supposed to be told to... humans. To me. And even though the truth ended up coming out, you can't be mad at yourself for trying to keep your kind safe and their secret hidden," I reasoned, urging him to see this from my perspective.

"But you've been our friend for so long..." he swallowed harshly, his eyes staring at mine intently now. "Fuck it, your our family. You have been for a long time. And we should've said to hell with the rules a long time ago," he insisted, and my eyes welled with tears at that.

I don't know if he knew what that meant to me, if he truly understood the weight of those words. I had no family. Nobody except them, and for him to say that I was a part of their family...it was something I had only imagined. Words couldn't describe what I felt right now.

"You're my family too," I rasped, fighting to keep my tears from falling. "You...you're like the brother I never had, Zane."

"I- I'm sorry. For everything. I should've been there to protect you," he mumbled, his head hanging low.

My feet carried me to him, and I placed a hand on his shoulder. "There's nothing to be sorry for, and there's no task you failed to meet. Promise me that you understand that," I consoled, his head slowly raising as he looked at me with red-rimmed eyes.

"I can't promise that," he breathed, and I felt my own emotion creeping up on me.

"Then promise me that you'll try," I argued, and he released a shaky laugh, using the back of his hand to wipe at his eyes.

"Stubborn as a mule," he rasped, and I gave him a small smile.

"I promise," he vowed, sending through me a pang of...pride?

As if he was someone who I was to guide, someone who I was to look out for. I had never gotten this sense of responsibility for him, for his actions; but for some reason it was coursing through me right now.

"Can I hug-?" he began, and my arms were wrapped around him before his question was even all the way out.

"Thank you...for everything," I told him, his arms wrapped around me lightly, barely grazing my back as though I may break at the slightest force.

"Of course, Samantha," he said, and I could hear the smile in his words.

I pulled away, grinning up at him. "Never thought I would say this, but I missed that," I admitted begrudgingly, and he released a chuckle.

"I think I've gotten more hugs with broken ribs than without them," I remarked, my mind flitting to Lizzy just last night, then to Greyson on the porch.

I felt my heart racing at just the thought of the latter, still unable to believe I had actually done such a thing. He gave me a mischievous look, as if he knew exactly what I had been thinking.

"Getting lots of hugs, huh?" he taunted, and my face heated so much I felt as though my cheeks may melt right off.

"Well, um, no," I stumbled, and he only laughed at that.

"Speaking of which, you should probably head upstairs," he said, and I raised a brow in confusion.

He gave me a knowing smile in response, and this time, it actually reached his eyes.

"I have a feeling someone might be looking for you."