If Only

Chapter 18 - One & The Same

"Yeah, hun. I'll have a burger with fries. Your number come as a side too?" he smirked, running his eyes up and down my body before they landed on my busted lip.

"Um, I- I'll get you that burger," I said as I tried to pull away, but his grip tightened. I hissed through my lips quietly, but I don't think any of them heard. If they did, they didn't pay it any mind.

"Feisty one here boys. You win that fight?" he chuckled, causing the other three of them to look up towards me. He gestured towards my almost healed busted lip, and I wondered if he could also see the bruises I had thought to be covered with make-up. The swelling had disappeared now, but there was still a light greenish-yellow color left behind from Tyson's assault.

"Oh, um, I didn't... I just-" I began.

"It's alright if you didn't, babe. I'd still bet on ya," he laughed, and I tried to pull away once more. I didn't want his hands on me, and I felt that pulling away would make that very evident, but he didn't seem to get the message.

"Can you please let go?" I choked, hoping if I asked outright he would release his hold on me. The pain was getting to be too much, I couldn't see straight.

"C'mon, don't be like that," he drawed, his hand dipping lower towards my butt. I used all of my strength to rip away from him then, feeling tears burn in my eyes at the abrupt movement. I walked towards the back quickly, eager to get away from the situation.

I burst through the back doors, shaking from the encounter. I hadn't ever had a customer get so handsy with me, and it reminded me so much of Tyson that I thought I might be sick. I took in a deep breath that only had more tears springing from my eyes. The worst thing about the pain was how constant it was, I couldn't get a reprieve from it.

"What's wrong with you?" my co-worker, Amanda, asked. She was generally pretty fond of acting as though I didn't exist whatsoever, but the few times she did speak to me were never particularly pleasant conversations.

"I just... there was a guy-" I spewed, running my hands along my face.

"Don't be dramatic. Guys catch a feel sometimes, it happens," she replied, rolling her eyes as she finished off her drink and walked back out into the dining area towards her customers.

Her reaction only made me feel more self-conscious about the situation. I wasn't trying to be dramatic or get attention, I just wanted to get away from those guys. But she was right, there was no reason for me to be so worked up. And as for the throbbing of my ribs... well, I just needed to toughen up and deal with it.

I checked the clock again, seeing that there was still ten minutes left in my shift, but I had worked through my break. I went towards the timeclock and clocked out, simultaneously upset that I had to go back to Tyson and glad I could get away from those guys.

The guys, I thought again. I hadn't even thought about the fact that my clocking out would mean Amanda would take over the table. I wanted to hit myself at how rude and selfish of me that was, but as I peered out towards their table I saw Amanda flirting with them as she smiled. I let out relieved breath, she didn't seem to have the same issue I had.

I grabbed my thin jacket, making a mental note to purchase a thicker one now that October had arrived. I glanced at the trees, their once green leaves subtly turning brilliant colors as their time slowly came to a close, and sighed. Sometimes, it was easy to feel like the world had stopped moving as I watched my life fall apart around me. But it hadn't. It kept going, seasons came and went, unbothered and unfazed by the life I was living. It only reassured me that I didn't really matter to the universe. The thought was liberating and terrifying all the same.

I felt my phone ding in my pocket, Tyson having given it to me for work today. I knew it was probably Lizzy trying to reach me again. Or Zane. Or Nia. Or any of the others. All of them seemed pretty concerned over the big blowup from the other night along with my sudden disappearance. However, when I looked down at my phone I was shocked to see who had texted.

Greyson: Haven't heard from you in a while... I've been wanting to make another bet.

I turned off my phone, opening up my car door and throwing it atop the passenger seat. I had no valid excuse for ignoring all of them this week, and maybe that was a good thing, a dark part of me thought. I was done telling myself I needed to distance myself from them all and then being too selfish to actually do so. If I was lucky, they would get fed up with how rude I was being and just drop it all. Drop me too.

A large part of me reassured myself that they wouldn't do that. That Lizzy would be too concerned, Zane would be too protective, Nia would be too persistent, Will would be too skeptical. The list went on as I thought about them all. But there was this small, nagging voice inside of me, telling me I was wrong.

You really think they care about you?

No, they cared, I assured myself. They did. Didn't they?

I was being ridiculous, my mind was a jumbled mess. It was hard to sort out my thoughts these days. Sometimes, I couldn't tell the difference between something Tyson told me or something I believed. Or maybe now those were one and the same.

I pulled down the small mirror that was inside the car, peering into it to see the scabbed, red line through the bottom of my lip. It really wasn't very bad now, but today had been the only day someone had commented on it. I turned my head to the side to check my left cheek, which Tyson had struck a few times, but only found a layer thick foundation that looked so unnatural I couldn't help but cringe. At least the bruises weren't visible like I had feared. Another ding sounded on my phone, and I couldn't stop my eyes from glancing towards the screen.

Liz: Hey Sammy. I didn't mean to upset you the other night, we weren't trying to force you to do anything. Wanna come hang at Greyson's tonight with everyone?

I wanted to scream. Whatever I did was hurting someone somehow. By ignoring Lizzy and everyone else, I had them believing I was upset with them. By responding to them, I put them on Tyson's dangerous radar and his line of fire whenever he inevitably imploded like the other night. But if I could convince him that we all had a falling out, that I didn't care about them anymore, then maybe he wouldn't bother threatening them anymore either.

Hurting their feelings seemed better than whatever Tyson had in store for them, I reminded myself. Forcing myself to set my phone back down again, pulling out of the parking lot and heading back home.

Home, I shuddered, the word felt just as bitter and heavy as always.