In Other Words (Niall Fanfic)

Chapter Thirty-Seven

“Let’s have it, then.” She said.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I said. “Excuse me.” I tried to side-step her, but she matched my movement.

“No.” She said. “This ends now. I care too much about you to watch any longer.”  She looked up at me, a mixture of sadness, concern and nervousness showing on her face.  She didn’t want to do this anymore than I did. “Sit.” She said.

I felt my fists tighten at my sides. The walls were closing in, the words I’d kept stifled for so long bubbling up my throat. If I said what I’d been thinking, it would all be very real, and I wasn’t ready. “Excuse me.” I repeated, this time more harshly. She didn’t move, or even look away.  I felt like a drowning man must feel, knowing that a breath of oxygen was just on the other side of that doorway. In unconscious desperation, my hand fell upon her arm and I shoved her aside, hard.

“What the fuck, Harry?” She gasped.

Roxy’s POV

He spun around at the sound of my voice and looked down at his hand, as if he could only verify what had just done that by the feeling of it still remaining in the skin of his palm. I expected this realization would bring on an apology, but instead he seemed to become more angry.

“You still want me to stay and talk to you?” He growled.

“Yes.” I answered immediately. “You can’t keep this up much longer. I can’t see that you’re ready to burst.” He had been slowly turning into a caricature of himself, all of his best and worst qualities exaggerated to the point of distortion.  Surely his friends have noticed? 

“You don’t know me.” he stated.

“I don’t?” I said. “I’m sorry. Are you not my friend Harry? The guy that three days ago didn’t even try to get out of a lame-ass day spent with me, even though you’re the busiest human on the planet, just because you knew how much I wanted it?  You didn’t secretly shove a hundred quid into the tip jar of the girl at Starbucks who got tears in her eyes when you placed our order?  You don’t ask Niall to text you when he gets home from a night at the bar? You’ve never stayed up so late with your friends that merely uttering the word “hootenanny” sent you laughing until you peed your pants?”  I stepped forward. “That must be some other guy.”

“Maybe it was.” He muttered.

“Oh come off it, Harry. That’s a load of shit. You’re that guy. You always have been.” I paused, struggling to decide if I should mention that letter.  For all I know, it was written ages ago. But this trouble he seemed to be having, it felt like a matter of the heart.  “I know about her.” I said. I struggled to keep my tone even, knowing he would be out of that door in an instant if he felt like going.

His eyes fell dead onto me. “What?”

Harry’s POV

She was persistent. I had a pretty good feeling that she didn’t actually know about Allie, but had made a good guess. So much of who I am has always been what people don’t know about me. In a world where everyone thinks they know you, keeping a few secrets for myself has been the way I stay sane.  Most of the time, it’s little things, like going to see a movie and not telling the lads, even when we go to the cinema together and I sit through the film a second time.  This Allie thing started out that way. We reconnected, went out on a few dates, and I didn’t so much as mention her name to the guys, to my mother, to no one. I fell in love. And no one knew it but me.

“What’s her name?” She said.

I drew in a sharp breath and held it. Maybe it was time to let someone else in. I obviously wasn’t doing a spectacular job of keeping my life in order.

“Allie.” I blurted.

“The girl from the bar?” She said. I watched her face as her brain connected the dots. “Your sister’s friend?”

The aching in my stomach resumed, and I instantly regretting saying her name. Roxy must have sensed it, as she stood once more between me and the door.

“Just tell me what happened.” She whispered.

“She won’t talk to me.” I said. As if that were the problem, and not the consequence. I couldn’t even sort my thoughts out well enough to come clean to myself, let alone to Roxy. I felt the frustration grow beneath my skin. There weren’t a few words I could string together to make her understand. I felt my lips part and things begun to spill out. I was out of control.

“Do you know what it’s like?” I choked out. She relaxed her arms to her side, listening. I was pissed at her for making me do this. “Do you know how many girls I’ve slept with?”  The words slipped out, hoarse and harsh.

“Harry you don’t have to…”

“I’ve lost count.” I spat.  “I pick them up, I take them someplace, and I get to feel good for a little while.” Her eyes glassed over. I kept going. “Their faces, all of their names I quickly forget and never repeat. All I ever see is her.” 

Hearing the words made me out to be even more disgusting than I already felt. Roxy’s face held only sadness. She didn’t try to stop me as I pressed toward the door. Everything I touch turns to dust. And now Roxy knows it.

Niall’s POV

If I close my eyes I can picture the very first day that Eleanor came around. She was nervous, and Louis did not let go of her tiny hand. That was years ago, and still it feels like it could have been last week. Time moves so quickly for us. Like in dreams; you might fall asleep and wake up, confused that only a few minutes have crept by, when in dream-world you’ve lived a whole life.

I found her standing in the living room, resting her hands on the sofa back as she looked out the window onto the party that was still in full-swing just beyond the glass. I snuck up behind her and wrapped my arms around her middle. Her body jerked, she turned her head and sighed, almost relieved to find it was me there.  She relaxed against my chest as we silently watched the people in the yard for a few moments.

“You have no idea how much I love you.” I whispered into her hair. She said nothing, but pulled my arms tighter around her, as if she needed that closeness to reassure her. She reached back and ran her fingers through the hair at the nape of my neck. 

 “Hey, you want to cut out of here, make it an early night? We could go back to my place, watch a movie…” I offered.

“Watch a movie, huh?” she giggled.

“Yeah.” I replied. “You know. I’ll put in a movie and we’ll watch the first ten minutes. And then we will stop watching for a while. And then maybe we’ll watch the credits, since that’s your favorite part.” I pushed her hair off to one side and let my lips lay a few kisses between her shoulder blades.

“Can we stay a while longer?” she said quietly.