I'd Rather Die Than Be in Love

One Man Drinking Game

"Are you sure you're okay?" Jaime asked me for the tenth time since we arrived at the diner.

I nodded, even though I wasn't. It was hard seeing him like that, he had seemed to have lost all interest in me. Which was more than awful in my situation.

"It just sucks, you know? He said he'd be here every step of the way" I said, pushing my food around my plate.

"I know it's not fair, but Tony and I will always be here, so will your family and from what I hear Vic is being supportive" Jaime said.

I felt tears pricking my eyes, I didn't want to cry in front of Jaime - but I didn't get the choice as the tears ran down my cheek.

"Hey, hey don't cry" Jaime said, moving from in front of me, to beside me.

I felt him put his arm around me and I leant my head on his shoulder. Jaime was so cuddly, I immediately felt a little better. He kissed the top of my head comfortingly.

"Like I said, I'm always here, day or night" he smiled.

"Thanks Hime, I appreciate it" I smiled.

"Now eat up, you may not be hungry but remember you are eating for two" He grinned and moved back around to face me.

~

It was dark by the time we had left the diner and I was feeling a lot better. Jaime had this talent that he could make the worst situation better, I'm not sure if its the vibe he puts out or just his personality but it cheers me up no matter. He had insisted on walking me home, which I appreciated - I appreciated having a friend like him.

"Can I ask you a question, Holly?" He asked.

"Sure" I said.

"Are you scared? Like to bring up a kid?" He asked.

From the beginning, I was positive I wasn't getting an abortion - I could never live with myself. I had never really considered any other option but keeping it and raising it. But recently I had been thinking more and more about adoption. Mike sure as hell wasn't ready to be a parent, the only thing he was capable of caring about was himself. The baby deserved better than us.

"I dunno, I've tried not thinking about how scary it is" I said, shrugging my shoulders.

~

I woke up the next morning, my phone read 1pm. How did I manage to sleep to late? I wasn't even home that late. I thought about the previous night, I also thought more and more about what Jaime said. I was scared, terrified even. It couldn't hurt to look, right?

I walked over to my desk and opened my laptop. I wasn't sure where to look, or how this went. I typed in "adoption, San Diego" and over one hundred results came up.

Before I realised it, I had gotten so caught up in looking through the different families. I had spent over an hour, reading their bios - some even had videos. My baby would be better off with anyone of these families. I even felt a pang of guilt, that some of these couples had been trying for years to have a baby and here I was, doing it by accident.

*Tap Tap*

I looked around, only for a feeling of nausea to take over me. There was Mike standing at my window, just like always. I wondered what Mike it would be this time, would it be happy supportive Mike or clueless drunk Mike? He looked pale, he was probably currently battling a horrible hangover - I wish I could say I felt sorry for him.

"Holly we need to talk, I'm reall-" He stopped mid sentence and stared at something behind me.

I turned around, my computer - I had left the adoption page up.

"I was just looking" I mumbled under my breath.

"You can't seriously be thinking about giving our baby up for adoption" He exclaimed.

"Our baby? Mike you haven't exactly been around lately" I said back, raising my voice.

"You can't just decide this stuff without me" He said, shouting even louder.

"This stopped being your problem the minute you decided going out with your friends was more important than us" I shot back.

I knew I had hit a nerve, he had no retaliation. Instead he sat down on my bed and sighed loudly. I almost felt bad, until I remember what this whole fight was about. I knew there was no point shouting anymore, he didn't say another word before he left - again.

~

I wandered downstairs, we had spring break and I knew Mike had probably used this as an opportunity to go out every night. Ever since that night with Jaime, we had done nothing but fight. I didn't want it to be this way, I just wanted him to be the Mike he was a month ago. Jaime and Tony had been around a lot, helping me take my mind off things. Which I appreciated, I considered them good friends, best friends.

I wandered downstairs for dinner, for the first time in a while things were getting better for my family. My Dad was getting the hang of things, he was coming home earlier, trying out new meals and he just seemed generally brighter. I was glad, he didn't deserve to feel bad about my Mom. I hadn't spoken to her since the day she left, I knew Luke had, but Corey - much like myself - had avoided having any contact with her.

"Are you going out tonight, sweetheart?" My dad asked, putting a forkful of ravioli in his mouth.

I nodded, taking a drink.

"With Mike?" Luke asked.

Ever since that incident, Luke had been very hostile about Mike. Any opportunity he got to take a jab at Mike - whether he could hear it or not - he took it.

"With Tony and Jaime" I said.

"Figures" He muttered.

"Luke" my other brother warned.

"How long are you gonna hold this grudge Luke? I made a mistake, I don't need to be reminded every second" I shot back.

"Until he starts treating my sister the way he should. This isn't just your mistake, so where is he?" He asked.

He had a point, I couldn't keep sticking up for Mike when he wasn't here. There were only so many times you could justify what he was doing.

~

It was 11:30pm and the three of us lay sprawled on Tony's couch. We had the task of deciding on what movie to watch next. I heard my phone begin to ring so I jumped up to answer it.

"It's probably my Dad wanting to know when I'd be home" I said.

The caller ID read Vic.

"Hello?" I said.

"You aren't gonna like this Holly" he said.

"What is it Vic?" I asked.

"Mike's in hospital" he said urgently.