Dangerous

Chapter Forty Four: The Neverending Tears

(A/N why did I cry writing this chapter and the last omg)

Anna gets out of the hospital tomorrow. She's been staying overnight for three days. Justin's left me with her today because he needs to go back to work.

"Would you mind getting me some tea?" Anna asks, breaking the awkward silence of me sitting in the chair next to her, staring at the wall, while she laid in her hospital bed and fiddled with her fingers.

Not saying a word, I stand and walk towards the pitcher of tea on the table across from her bed.

I grab a paper cup and lift the pitcher, my hands shaking.

Cole loved tea. It was his favorite drink.

My vision blurs as I attempt to pour the tea into the cup. The tea splatters everywhere and only a few drops make it into the cup.

"Actually, I'm okay," Anna says, noticing my struggle.

"No, I've got it," I insist, my voice quivering as I try again.

And I fail again. A soft sob escapes my lips.

And another.

I dig my fingernails into my palms. How dare I be so weak?

"I didn't know Cole well," Anna says quietly. "I know he had a rough past. I know he had a problem with controlling himself. But he did try. For you. And hey, I'm alive, so he did good-"

"But he's not!" I blurt out loudly. I lift my head to see my reflection staring at me through the mirror on the wall. My eyes are bloodshot, but I'm not surprised. I haven't gotten any sleep and I've cried a lot lately. "He's not alive, Anna!" I hiss, turning towards her.

She sighs. "I know. And I'm so sorry. But he really, truly loved you."

I collapse back into the chair and tears trickle down my face. "So how can I be with your brother?" I ask softly, shaking my head.

Anna doesn't answer for a moment.

I haven't talked at all since Cole's death three days ago. I feel ashamed that I want to be with Justin.

Finally, she says, "I think Cole loved you too much to see you unhappy. He wouldn't want you to be sad all the time. You know he wouldn't. And if my brother makes you happy, I think he'd tell you to be with him, since he himself can't."

I burst into sobs. Oh, how I miss Cole. I miss his strength, his words, his warmth, his care, his love, I miss HIM.

"I want him back," I wail.

Me sobbing has brought her to tears as well. "I'm sorry."

I shake my head. "No, I'm sorry." I wipe at my eyes. "It was selfish of me to cry like that-"

"Crying doesn't make you weak," Anna interrupts. "Crying in front of others shows that your strong enough to admit that your hurt and scared."

I am hurt. Beyond hurt.

I am scared. Scared of how I will get through life without Cole.

I'm not done needing you, Cole.