All or Nothing (August Alsina FF)

Chapter 50

"So does this mean your over August," Julianna asked me.

I thought about August and compared him and Zay, Zay was cute and nice, but throughout the whole day he was trying a little bit to hard. Now he wanted to hang out with me sometime? August wad kind of unforgettable. I thought about him constantly between him being brought up in my therapy sessions, to not seeing him in weeks. I kind of missed him.

"Judging by how quiet you got I'm guessing the answer to your question is no," Danielle brought me out of my thoughts.

"Your not over August are you," Julianna sighed but it was more like a statement.

I refused to answer her and talking about him, just reminded me something that I've been putting off.

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I got home and after taking a shower and getting dressed for the night I sat down on my bed and opened up my nightstand drawer, pulling out the letter. Instead of procrastinating like I've don't previously I opened up the envelop and pulled it out and unfolded it and took a deep breath before bringing myself to read it.

First line was him telling me that this wasn't a scheme to get me back but him needed me to know the truth and him needing to get some stuff off his chest. He then started to talk about how things were for him before he met me. The different girls and the attention. He talked about how he used to love it but after awhile it got boring. Every girl was the same or so he thought until he met me.

He admits that it wasn't the first time he got turned down but even after some persuading he still got what he wanted, but not from me. He saw a challenge so he found out some info about me and showed up to watch me dance that upcoming Friday.

Watching me dance he admitted left him even more intrigued to get to know me. At first he wanted to find me again and slick talk me into having sex with him but that all changed after that day at the mall. When I told him a little bit about me. About my parents and about me being a virgin. He didn't want it to be the last time we hung out so he came up with the lame idea of us becoming friends. At the time he didn't know what he wanted from me until he had a talk with D.

D was the one who talked him into making things official with me. Once we started dating and as

time went on feelings his got deeper and he found himself thinking about being with me on a long term level. Especially when he thought about something his dad told him. That he should find a women who's to good for him and become a better man for her. Find a good girl, a loyal girl, and hold on to her, never let her go because girls that that were hard to come by. And he saw all of that in me.

When he was with me he wanted to be better, do better. He thought to himself sometimes that what they had was special. That out of all the guys I've met, talked to, out of all the girls he's met, talked to somehow we ended up together. Neither of us knew what we were doing, but it felt right. But we also had our problems.

The way I was acting after the shooting, at first he felt guilty. That he had put me in that situation, let me witness something like that. He tried his hardest to talk to me, but like I know I refused to talk about it, lied and said that I was fine. He knew I wasn't, he knew something was bothering me. After a while, he got to thinking that it was him. That I was losing interest, that I couldn't handle being with him and so he lashed out, especially when I suggested we take a break. He was pissed and he didn't want to talk to me, see me, nothing. He admitted that he took things to far.

The night of the party he wanted to talk to me, face to face but I wasn't having it. After our argument on the phone he felt like it wouldn't be long before I eventually ended things with him. So he went to that party anyway, to get out the house, clear his head and there he ran into Ebony. He was drinking, smoking and she was filling up his head. She knew about us having problems and so she took it upon herself to talk to him. She told him that I was young and asked him was I the kind of girl that could handle his lifestyle. Tha I was from the suburbs, going to college that me and him were basically from two different worlds. That I was probably just using him. Using him to have fun, let loose and try to prove a point. That me only being 18, this was just a short term thing for me.

He let her get in his head and thought back on some of the stuff I said to him. About how I would get quiet when he got serious on me. About all of our differences and just how opposite we really were from one another. About some of the stuff I said to him. One thing stuck out particularly and that's what I said at his friends Trey's party. About how there was no guarantee we would be together much longer. He was trying to prove to me, that he was serious and what I said was foul. That he was so mad about me potentially leaving for school in two years because he was thinking about what if we were still together. Where would that leave him? To him what we had felt to good to be true. Just like me he had his doubts. He was insecure about the fact that at college I would be meeting new people, new boys. Boys I probably had way more in common with than what I did with him. That I would end up finding someone better than him.

After Ebony said that he started doubting our relationship and he was thinking of just putting an end to us himself. Calling me the next day and breaking up with me. But then I showed up. He ran after me and seen me cry for the first time and realized he wasn't ready to end things with me. That seeing me have a panic attack in front of him made him feel like the worst nigga on the planet. That he promised never to hurt me but he did anyway. He apologized for what he did, what I saw. He apologized for the stuff he said, that while we were together and told me that there were no other girls. There was only me. And he even apologized for hitting Tony. He thought I had moved on already, found someone better.

The last paragraph he went on to say that he hoped I could forgive him, for everything. That what they had was real. That he only wanted to see me happy even if that wasn't with him. He wished me good luck in school and ended the letter by saying he wasn't taking the stuff back he gave me so I shouldn't even bother sending it back. He signed his name and that was that.

I didn't even realize I was crying until my tears started to smudge the ink on the letter. I folded the letter back up and put it back in its envelope and it's place back in my drawer. Turned off the light got under the covers and let my emotions get the best of me and cried myself to sleep.