Starlight

-14-

Asher___

  "Hey baby, how are you doing?"
Well remember when I said I'll mentally prepare myself for unexpected visits? This is visit number two but I'm still not prepared. She takes me completely my surprise.

The first visit, she came to cook for me. I didn't ask her to, well I love her cooking so I didn't mind. But she prayed for me that day. And for my home, why?

"I'm good, mum. How about you?"
"I'm really stressed. Charlotte's wedding preparation is hectic. Daniel wants a big wedding, I see no use." She shakes her head rubbing her temples, let out a long dramatic sigh. I laugh.
She stared long at me, I furrowed my brows at her behaviour.

"You look very happy and radiant these days. What's the secret?"

Michelle.

That's the secret ma. That girl makes me feel so bubbly and alive.
"You have a secret girlfriend, son?" I cringe at that. If I did, she will be the first I would have told.

"No! I met Rose." Mum grabbed the stool closest to her and planted herself on it.
"Are you two back together?"
Why will she think that?

"No. I met her daughter, Michelle. Why will I ever go back to her, mum? She cheated on me, does that ring a bell?" Mum shook her head.

"Personally, I would love to know what happened. Her mum said she didn't cheat and she has refused to talk about what happened. Mercy said Rose's still have panic attacks."

Why is she telling me all these?

"Panic attacks? What has that got to do with me?"

"If her trauma is triggered, she gets into panic mode and hyperventilate. I doubt she cheated. Something must have happened. Maybe sexual assaults or rape, Rose hasn't cleared up our suspicions. She refuses to talk about it all. Now, do you still believe she cheated on you?"

No matter what you say mum, she cheated on me. I still firmly believe that.
If she didn't, why didn't she open up to me about what happened?

"I would love to meet Rose and her baby girl. Mercy has told me a lot about Elle. You know, I don't judge her for what ever happened. We aren't God, we aren't meant to judge, instead listen and help them back to the righteous path. Remember Matthew 7:1-5. God talked about judging. He said do not judge others, for you shall also be judged. For in the same way you judged others, you too shall be judged and with the same measure shall it be applied to you. Don't forget the word of God, baby. I'll advise you not to judge her but listen to what she has to say and forgive her." I lowered my head in shame.

Why are you always so kind to everyone? Why can't you just see their fault and let them go but you nurture them. You accept their flaws.
I can't do that.

What if mum found out I fell out with God? What would be her reaction?

"Forgive her, mum? It won't be easy. I don't think I'll ever let it go. I'm not ready to listen to her. I just want to hang out with Elle and forget Rose's her mum. I can't." I shake my head vigorously.

"Ephesians 4:32 says be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as Christ forgave you. You plead for God to let go off your iniquities, to make you a new leaf and yet you can't forgive your fellow brethren. How do you expect the Lord to listen to your prayer? How do you expect Him to forgive you? You have to learn to forgive and forget, baby. Just like our Christ Jesus. Listen to what she has to say. Maybe you'll see you were in the wrong or she was and you move past it."

"You love Elle don't you? Wished she was your daughter, don't you?"
I do, mum.
For the past weeks I've spent with her, I really wish she was mine.
I have never asked her about her dad. She never talks about her father.
Always praising Rose.
I nod to her both questions.

"What about Rose?"

What about her?

"Do you still love her?"

Ofcourse I do. I hate that I still yearn for her. I hate that I still think about her. I hate that I still dream about her. I hate that she never left my world. I hate that I still love her.

But I'm never admitting that to anyone.
Never.

"Why did you ask that, ma?" She sighed reaching for my hands.

"Please, Asher. Give her your ears for some minutes. I know and I believe she wouldn't cheat on you. There's more to the story. We are still at the surface, we all are but only you can go deep. Only you. She'll only open up to you. We all have tried but failed. Give her your ears, baby. Please," she pleaded with me. The look in her eyes, she looks so___vunerable.

She has that look on her face like she could relate to Rose's unfortunate fallen happiness.

I don't think I can do that. I don't think I can stand before her without reliving the past memory.

She was gonna be my fiancé that day. I know we were still young but she was the woman for me.

I wanted her to know she had a permanent place in my life but everything shattered that night I came home. I was planning on wedding her when I was 28.

Then I would have been financially stable. Could have done a court wedding few months after the engagement and sometime when I'm 28, the ideal wedding.
I had a lot of things planned out for us.
I had our future planned out and scripted.

Maybe I should have been lenient with her.
Maybe I should have stayed and listened.
Maybe I should waited for her to open up.
Maybe.

"Promise me, Asher." I didn't notice her standing before me earlier. I look up at ma and I know she won't like the words about rolling off my tongue.

"I can't promise you that, ma. I can't." I stood up and left to my room.
I heard knocks on my door, mum followed me.

"I saw you, baby." Her voice cracked. Her voice.....she sounded hurt and in tears.
"I saw you clutching unto that frame and I knew what you were thinking about. I knew what you were going through. Dean told me about your strained relationship with God. I now get what was going through your head. You blamed God for everything. You blame God for not saving Em." Her voice trailed off at the last part.

I leaned on the door listening to every word she said and was going to say. Tears streaming down my face. I feel suffocated again.
I hold my shirt squeezing where my heart laid.
Em.
Emily.

"Everything happens for a reason, Asher. I love to believe He took our baby home. He didn't want her to suffer anymore. She was going to suffer severely if she was alive. She had a lot of complications that I doubt she was gonna make it. I remembered that God was in control. That anything that happened, He was aware of it all. Then I left everything into His hands. Stop blaming God baby. I'll pray for you. I'll keep praying for God to arrest you once again. I want my vibrant Asher back. I want that Asher that was excited about God. I want my baby boy back and God will answer my prayers."

I sob hard listening to everything.
Sometimes I wish to be that boy again but he's so far. He's out of my reach, ma. He's reaching out to me but I'm consumed by darkness.

When will I be saved?

Mum's so strong. Even at the face of death, she left everything to God.
Emily left everything to Him.
And what did I do?

I abandoned Him.

"God is always with you, baby. He'll always look after you. He's always by your side. He still loves you. Come back to the Mighty Father, baby. He's waiting for you. In Him, you'll find peace and happiness."

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I pray God will arrest all those roaming in Jesus name, Amen.